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I don't know how I could not have seen it coming, did she ever really love me? I have no idea but I know that she doesn't anymore, and how could I have expected a girl like her to love a guy like me? Of course she loves someone else already, I mean I'm not anything special that a person should hold onto, thinking like that would just be deluding myself. What makes it worse is that I did still love her, that thing that popped into my head that I put down in my last entry was when I was thinking about her, but now that's all gone. Do I still love her? Yes I do and that's why I hurt so much, why was I such an idiot to hope that maybe she'd ever want me back? Why'd I ever think that she'd want to be with a guy like me when so many better guys are out there. Thinking she'd actually oneday want me was so delusional how could I have been so stupid? Of course she's moved on and fallen in love already, I'm never hard to move on from. It just hurts me so bad inside right now because of that part of me that hoped and wished that maybe oneday she'd want to be with me again. I miss holding her and kissing her, I miss the happiness I used to have, it just seems like my life's been one long constant downward spiral for years and whenever something good comes along it just ends up leaving me worse off than before it entered my life. I'm just one of those people that's meant to be alone and to suffer. I doubt I'll ever find someone that will love me, not really, I'll always just be a stepping stone for them until they can find someone they actually love and want to be with.

Hope is for fools, life has proven that to me, everytime I've hoped for something with all my heart and wished it could be it has never happened, infact the exact opposite has always happened and it always leaves me broken and laying on the ground. Yet I'm always stupid enough to eventually pick myself up and hope again that things will get better, then life in all its sadisticness shows me that maybe yes it can be better, and then bam it's all gone once again and I'm ground even further into the ground. I just want to know when it's going to stop, when is the pain going to end and when is everything going to stop screwing me around?

Every GOD DAMN TIME I think things are starting to look better again then I get hir harder than I ever have been before. I bet she didn't even want to stay with me here in Vancouver really, or at least to see me, I'd just be a place for her to store her stuff while she spent time with the man she loved since he's here in Vancouver, but then again she's not that knid of girl, she wouldn't use a person like that, that's just me being bitter and angry. I really do still love her and I hurt soooo damn much right, but I am glad she's found happiness again, yes I wish it was with me, yes I wish that things could be different but they aren't and that's life. All I can do is fake being happy and force a smile onto my face and pretend like nothing is wrong with me. As long as she's happy and he treats her how she deserves to be treated I'll be glad for her.

I'm just so tired of everything, I just want to lay here broken and never move again, because I don't see a point to it anymore, I'm tired of life kicking me around, I just want to let it win so the pain will stop. I hope that she has a good life, she only deserves the best in life and to get whatever she wants. I hope he treats her right and makes her happy, and never breaks her heart, because she deserves that much at least. Anyway I'm going to stop now before I get even more depressed thinking about her loving another man, I doubt I am going to sleep very well tonight, I'm honestly afraid to sleep after my dream last night and all that I've found out in just the past few hours. I hate having nightmares and I know they're lurking there just waiting for when exhaustion overwhelms me to take me into darkness and not even let rest give me a chance at solace.