Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

god damn it hurts so much right now and I can't figure out why. I saw that she was getting bored with me, and she was taking all her stuff out of my house so I saw it coming but it still feels like my heart's been ripped out by being dumped yet again. I feel so angry, hurt, and empty, it feels like I've lost all drive to even just live. I know there's things I should be doing, things I could be doing, but I just don't see the point in it anymore. I just feel like getting away from everything, like fading away from reality. I keep on asking myself why, not why did she dump me I know the answer to that one. She didn't have time for me, she's really busy, she got bored of being with me, basically I wasn't important to her and she was trying to avoid hurting me by staying with me. The why I keep on asking is why am I never good enough, why am I always being left or dumped, why am I always failing at things I care about, why can't I stay in a relationship, why doesn't anyone want to be with me?

Those are the why's that are running through my head and they've basically sapped all will to even live from me, I just feel like dissapearing from everything right now. I just can't figure out what's wrong with me, what makes me so undesireable as a boyfriend, and it's tearing my brain apart in the attempt to figure it out. All the time I'm the one being left behind, so there must be something wrong with me, something that I have to figure out so I can change and become a better person. It's tearing me apart always failing, always being less than they want, just always not being good enough. It eats a hole in me, and I have no idea how to stop it.

It's like a basis of my life is gone, and I'm not able to fully function anymore, I haven't eaten yet today, and I can feel my stomach growling but the idea of eatens sickens me and I have no desire to do so. I feel like I need that drastic change, not just a new job or something, but a total change, moving to a new city/country, a new job, basically a fresh start at life, because this life I have, it doesn't feel like living and I feel so flawed so flawed, and like I'm a failure and that won't change.

I have so much anger and pain in me right now and so many quetions that just can't be answered, and it's tearing me apart inside. I think I'm going to be taking a long break from relationships, they seem to not last long for me and always end in pain, so much pain. It's hard to keep the tears in right now, listening to Seether doesn't really help with that, but it's soothing that beast that's in me, the one that's raging for me to go out and just start hurting people, and sleep with the first willing girl. I know that's not me, and it will never be me so I'll just sit here in the dark and try to figure out what's wrong with me, what I have to change and how can I make this emptiness and pain vanish.

I wanna be there when you call
I wanna catch you when you fall
I wanna be the one you need
I wanna be the one you breathe

Today’s the day we’ll fade away, oh
Today’s the day we’ll fade away, oh
Today’s the day we’ll find our way grown
Today’s the day we’ll fade away

I wanna be there when you cry
And when you’re down I’ll help you fly
I wanna be the one you need
I wanna be the one you breathe

Today’s the day we’ll fade away, oh
Today’s the day we’ll fade away, oh
Today’s the day we’ll find our way grown
Today’s the day we’ll fade away, oh

But I’m coming back,
And I’m taking back everything I can
It’s breaking me up and tearing me up
It’s all I have
And I’m coming back,
And I’m taking back everything I can
It’s breaking me up and tearing me up
It’s all I have

Today’s the day we’ll fade away, oh
Today’s the day we’ll fade away, oh
Today’s the day we’ll find our way grown
Today’s the day we’ll fade away, oh
Today’s the day we’ll fade away, oh
Today’s the day we’ll fade away

I miss you babe, you were special to me Tegan, and I'm glad for the time we had together. I hope your next boyfriend is everything you want and that he'll make you happy. I'm still here if you ever need a friend or want to hang out with me. I don't think you'll ever read this, but if you do, I still care about you and I always will.
-Jay