Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

Today I got some news that devestated me more than I let on at the time, and more than some or most of you would think it would. just less than a few hours ago I got a phone call while at dinner with my friend Kyle and it was my father. He made some small talk and I was in a good mood and was glad I got to talk to my dad which hasn't happened in a while, then he told me my cat had died. I had to fight really hard not to break down and start crying right there in Boston Pizza, my dad thought I had taken the news very well but my body started shaking there and it was really hard to keep it in until I got home. When I got through the door to my room and locked it I started bawling like a baby, and just now I'm starting to get it all under control enough that my eyes are just teary and sore, and my hands aren't shaking so badly.

I know many of you are probably reading this and thinking "grow the f*ck up it's just a cat, but he was so much more than that to me. He was my family, my closest friend, the one person I really believed loved me and depended on me. He helped me get over the tough times of having my heart ripped out by Roni, he was always there doing his best to cheer me up. Through all the heartache and pain I've experienced recently he was there for me, always there to make things better. To let me know there was one person I hadn't failed, one person I hadn't let down. He was a bright spot in my life and now he's gone and I could have stopped that if I wasn't me.

If I wasn't so selfish, if i had never bought him for Roni he might have gotten a better owner than I ever was. If I wasn't so selfish that I moved down here to vancouver, if I had stayed, made sure he kept up with his shots, and showed him how much I loved him, how much he meant to me he might still be alive. But no I had to move down here, because I wanted to be close to Roni at first, I wanted to mend things, did it matter to me what was best for him? No, I was a selfish a$$ and now he's dead, and it's all my fault once again.

This has made me realize this is how my life is and always has been. I've failed everyone and everything, whenever there's a life dependent upon me or needing me I am never there. No one should ever put their faith in me or believe in me because I shall always fail, it's how things have always been. I never said goodbye to my grandfather when I was twelve. He was dying of cancer and in his last days he asked for me several times, after the first time seeing him I couldn't go again, it filled me with pain seeing him with all those tubes sticking out of him, of seeing the strong man I loved reduced to this. After seeing him once, all I did was stay home, stay home and pray. If god were real he'd listen to me right? He'd save my grandfather because he was a good man and didn't deserve such a painful death. If I only stayed home, stayed home, prayed and believed it'd all work out in the end right? Well I was seriously wrong and deluded back then, because my grandfather died and I never got to say goodbye, I never got to tell him how much I loved him or how much I looked up to him, and then I tried to lose myself in sports and martial arts. All I did was train and train and train, and started to neglect my dog, another being who's life was dependent upon me that I failed.

We used to spend every moment together, I'd take him for runs and when I was reading he'd be my pillow, he was my brother and my best friend. But because of how I hid from my pain I neglected him and he went into a depression, this depression made him more angry to other people, even though he still loved our family it made others see him as something mean and bad which I could never ever see. To me he was family, but he didn't like other animals very much since most others tried to hurt him,and he died from a porcupine needle to his heart. There was nothing I could have done to change that and I'll always miss Chance, but still I could have done so much more to make his life happier and I swore to do that with Skyler and I failed once again, when he needed me most I deserted him and he died.

Just like I did with my grandmother, while I was in my hometown I visited her so much, and she was actually recovering and doing well. Then I moved because I was 'in love' such a f*cking idiot I was, and she lapsed back into her condition and worsened. I rushed back when they said she had days at most and she recovered again, I stayed by her side and held her hand and told her how much I loved her. I slept beside her bed at times and just held on so she wouldn't be alone and she seemed to be doing so much better she was even talking again which she had been unable to do for months, basically since I left the first time. During the nights when one of my aunties was with her I'd be at home with Skyler and he seemed happy and fine, always running around and then sleeping on my chest. Then I left again to come back here and work, and to be with Mari my new girlfriend, another selfish decision on my part.

I got a phone call from my dad a few weeks later telling me that Skyler was a little depressed but he seemed fine and my dad was keeping him company, I knew my dad loved that cat as much as I did, to him it was another child in our family so I didn't want to take Skyler away from him, did not want him to lose another child. Having to decide to put him down, it had to be really hard on my father. Still I feel like I might as well have killed them both myself by being away. Not long after my grandmother had another relapse but this time she didn't wake up from it, she died on Valentine's Day, less than a week from Mari and I breaking up. I felt so lost and confused when I went home for the memorial and i had to do the eulogy which tore me apart inside, but there was Skyler again, comforting me and letting me know I was never really alone.

Now I feel lost and confused again and this time there is no one that close to me, no one that makes me believe they'll always need me, that they'll always love me. I have close friends yes, ones I love dearly, but it's not the same and it's hard to explain. There's no one to hold, no one to sleep with me and have their weight reassure me that they're there. I'm all alone and lost in the darkness, with my heart feeling cold and barren. This is one of those deaths which makes a person's world crumble around them, when one of their foundations crumbles and they don't know what to do.

It just seems like everything I touch, it breaks and dies, that anything I grow close to and truly care about vanishes. It's like my touch my very presence is caustic and will destroy anyone or anything that gets close enough. It makes me wonder if I could become like the old me, the one with the cold heart and detached feelings. Sure I could 'act' like I cared about things, and sometimes I even mildly would care, but deep down I didn't really give a f*ck about anything but me. That me seemed to lose a lot less, seemed to have a lot less people die on him. Am I proud of who I was? f*ck no, but at the same time it might be better for me to be that way.

I just don't know anymore, I don't know what to do about anything or with anything. Either way though, to most of you I'll still be the same old Jay, so don't worry too much. I just have so much to think about, and my ulcer is killing me, possibly literally as well as figuratively, heh. I was so happy with life, and I had realized some things about myself and my feelings, and today seemed so great, and now, now I don't know anything and I'm lost in shadow. Yes all this has been brought about by the death of my cat, my thoughts on it have brought back memories of past events, and just everything it seems like I've wasted my life and the lives of others. In the long run it seems I am a highly corrupting force, one that takes good things and twists them into something else, no matter what I try to do it always seems to end that way, in friendships, in relationships, and even with family I take good people or things and turn them into abominations or kill them.

Just a lot rolling through my head now, and there seems to be no end to it or the sadness that's gripped my heart.
-Jay