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lately a lot's been going through my head, mostly I've been feeling really alone, and this has caused my heart to harden again. I think being overtired has forced my brain to think with more clarity for I've seen things in a way I haven't for a long time.

I haven't seen my girlfriend for more than a day in the past month, and I find it hard to believe she still cares about me. A lot of people are telling me to leave her but I can't, because what would that change in my life really? Nothing would change whether I'm with her or not, because before I met her I didn't even want a girlfriend, yes the fact that I don't see her does hurt, but still I understand that a lot of things are more important to her than me.

Somehow though once again I have grown stagnant in life, I can feel it seeping into my bones, I feel like I'm going no where and the rest of the world is passing me by. I feel like I'm stuck in a rut and no choice I'll make right now won't change a thing, it's as though I'm trying to move forward but the rest of the world is moving even faster than I can handle.

I hate it when I get that feeling, it's when I know that I need some form of massive change in my life, but right now I can't see what change I can make that would cull that feeling of being left behind.

Also due to my overtiredness I've come to terms with my feelings more, and my fears. I've come to realize that my greatest fears in life are things I can never change no matter how much I rail against them. I'm afraid of failure, of letting those I care about down, I'm afraid of being left alone, of going through existence without true acceptance from anymore, and I think I'm afraid I'll never find someone who will actually love me for who I am.

I'm not sure anymore, but I do know that I feel very lonely as of late, but nothing will change that fact until my girlfriend does have time for me. All I know for sure is that I feel alone and lost right now, like I'm drowning in a sea of shadow and I can't find a light to guide my way. I know things have to change though, and that is a start, but I have to find out what I have to change. I know I have to do something to try and make myself stronger and more complete, but am I ready to sacrifice what will be necessary to make that choice? Everything in life has a price, and I'm not sure how much more I'm willing to pay for whatever it is that my heart is longing for but cannot find.

Anyways that's my inane ramblings for today, for those who read it I'm sorry to put you through it, I just needed a way to vent what has been going through my head. I didn't get it all down, but yeah it's late and I'm getting even more overtired. That and I've decided to get started on a new story once again so I'll see how this one goes. Take care and have a good one.
-Jay