Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

It is strange to think, I haven't seen you since a month, I have seen the new moon, but not you. I have seen sunsets and sunrises, but nothing of your beautiful face. The pieces of my broken heart are so small they could be passed through the eye of a needle. I miss you like the sun misses the flower; like the sun misses the flower in the depths of winter. Instead of beauty to direct it's life too, the heart hardens like the frozen world your absence has banished me to. Hope guides me, that is what gets me through the day and especially the night. The hope that after you are gone from my sight, it will not be the last that I look upon you.

haha for some reason those words entered my head a little while ago, still now on with the update of my life. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, though I won't go into detail about it, it just seems like sometimes I feel over lonely or something like that, like I've lost a piece of myself, but most of the time I can distract myself from that feeling which is good^^ I've joined up to a gym and started working out again, want to try and be fit again, perhaps if I get physically strong again my mental strength will grow again, and my moral strength. I just feel like a shadow of what I used to be and what I could be and that makes me sad, but that will never change unless I do things to change it. Yes sometimes I feel lonely but that doesn't mean that I need someone else to make me happy, I need to be happy and content with me, that and I do still have feelings for someone, and I wouldn't want to be with someone else knowing that I'd rather be with the other person. Right now is a time in my life where I have to get my life and head straightened out first. Train become strong and just become a better person.

UBC got back to me today, I need to send them my BCIT transcripts and do another application and maybe write some stuff for them then I might be in. I think it'll be good to go back to school again, need to do something with my life. I had a terrible nightmare last night one of those ones where you wake up and your entire body hurts from how tense you are from it. That's why I didn't go to the gym tonight, I was in too much pain from sleeping heh. In my dream all the people that were my friends and died young were judging me, they asked me what I had done with my life, when I could have done so much more, and what right did I have to sqaunder things, because if they were still alive they would have done everything they could have to make something of themselves, then while I was shaken from that and feeling downtrodden, all the insults I've ever been given, by people I love or even just aquantices, I could remember them all and hear them all again and it just hurt me so bad. When I woke up in the morning I didn't feel rested at all and I hurt everywhere, my muscles were so tense that crawling out of bed to shower took me a while to do. I'm trying now, trying to do things right and make people proud, I hope it's not too late to do something with my life.

I realize now that all my life I've let fear hold me back, fear and uncertainty. I've always been afraid to fail, afraid to look like a fool, and that always kept me from doing things, and I regret it so much now. Why did I always have to be such a coward? I know a lot of the people who are going to read this don't think I am that way, because I've done stupid things, yes I mean stupid not brave or anything like that, like jumping off of roofs, and other stupid things like that. Silly things, things that don't matter I can do, but for important things I seem to always be afraid and hold back because I don't want to fail at it, and yet my fear causing me to not even try is so much worse than trying and failing. I'm sick and tired of being weak, and things have to change, does that mean I'm going to become bitter and resentful and hate people? No I don't think so, I'm just going to be me just try to be a better version of me, and wherever life takes me that's where it takes me. Anyways I'm not sure what else to put here, kinda getting tired and all this thinking about my inadequicies is getting me down in the dumps so I'm going to end my blog post here for today. Take care and have a good one everybody, goodnight and sweet dreams, may flights of angels sing thee to thy rest.

-Jay