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f*cking life sucks, sometimes I don't know why I keep on living, this has been a horrible last few days, things only ever seem to get worse, it seems every time I get in a good or semi good mood something happens just to show me that life only has worse things in store for me. On saturday my house was broken into while I was at work and my laptop was stolen. Yes I was really pissed off for a while, and I wanted to spill some blood over it, but I was starting to get over it today, then today the stupid b*tch downstairs calls a B&E on the house because she had forgotten about talking to Martin about it on saturday and she saw the broken door and heard me making my lunch upstairs so she called the cops. I was feeling okay with how things were and I figured they'd have to get better eventually, and then the cops came and handcuffed me and the police dog got within centimeters of biting me in the face while I was handcuffed. They questioned me and searched the house, then finally let me go after confirming I was who I said I was.

I haven't felt this emotionally f*cked up since Roni and I broke up, and I feel so lost in darkness. I mean having my sh*t stolen and being blamed for it, then all that police bullsh*t, it just seems like whenever I start to feel good or content with life something happens to make it all worse than it was before. It's like life just decides to make things worse for me every day that I'm alive and that I'm not meant to be happy. No matter how bad things get they only seem to get worse, it's like I've been stuck in a permanent downward spiral since we broke up, and every time I think I've hit rock bottom and I start to climb out the floor falls out from under me and I see that I had no idea how bad things could really get. I'm not the suicidal type and I don't hurt myself so there's nothing I can do but try and grit my teeth and move on even though life seems to want to grind me into the dirt even deeper. I don't know I feel like I'm some kind of cosmic joke put here to see how much one person can suffer in one lifetime you know. Just been really depressed lately, and I can't see any light where I am now, it's like nothing is right in the world and I can only fall deeper than I am right now.

I've been so tempted to go back to what I once was, to only care about myself and no one else. To not help others unless it will benefit me, to hurt those who either annoy me or stand against me. Things were so much easier back then, and most people still thought I was a nice guy, few could see past that facade to what I really was. Life seemed so much easier then, people didn't do stuff to me like this, people didn't use me, well too badly, because everyone uses everyone else to some shape or form. Girls seemed to like me rather than ignore me, and I wasn't a walking mat for everyone else because I wouldn't put up with that kind of treatment from others. I see now that all people do is use each other and hurt each other, and all we do is try to find those who will use us in ways we don't mind, or who will hurt us the least. Everything is judged and based upon our perceptions, that is how we choose our friends, and those we 'love' they are the ones that are the most useful to us.

I hate how I was then, but then I also hate how I am now. Now I am nothing more than a walking mat for people, they step all over me and use me and when they get tired just toss me aside and replace me. All choices lead to pain, I just have to start making the ones that lead to the least amount of pain from now on. I need things to get better for me, I'm tired of them only getting worse, so tired of life now. I don't like being a mean and cruel person, but I don't like being used up either, the main thing I am afraid of now is letting my grandfather down, I want to make him proud, but it's so hard living like this, nor do I think he would want me to be how I am. I guess I have a lot of thinking to do and choices to make about my life if it is going to change, this time I hope I make the right choices.
-Jamie