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Today has been one of the worst days in my life. First off it's Valentine's Day and I'm alone, lost my girlfriend recently which made today really hard seeing couples together and being in love when I am no longer with the person I loved. I was ready for that pain though, prepared myself for it even since my life was going to go on even if I were single and hurting. Yes I was in pain that my love might have been onesided, that she might never have felt that way about me too, but that was something I could cope with, as long as she was happy with her choice I'd be happy just being her friend. My life would move on and if she wasn't meant to be my love then maybe I'd find a new one though I wouldn't look if it happened it happened. I know that she's over me already, and that she'll probably find someone else so I'll have to let go and move on and just be happy for her. I don't know what the future holds but I won't sit around and wait, since I know she won't do that either, and there's plenty of guys better than me out there for her to be with, and odds are she will find one. As long as she lets me know when she finds that new love I'll be happy for her and fine with how things are. Then this morning I find out something I wish I had never found out. My grandmother passed away this morning, her heart gave out. I know that she's with my grandfather now and that she lived a full life so it's not for her that I grieve. It's for myself and all the others that loved her that are still here, left with our pain and the memories of her. What makes it worse is that I can't let anyone see me cry or be weak. I have no one to hold me or comfort me, or to tell me that everything will be alright. No one to wipe away my tears and make me believe that it's all better. I have to be the strong one for my family, the one that doesn't cry, the one that pulls everyone else through the heartache and pain and makes sure no one else gives up. I always have the be the strong one, for once I would like to have someone else there for me. Any strength or confidence I show is always fake, it's just an appearance for other people, inside I am weak and afraid. If I were really strong would I have just cried for the last almost hour. I feel like another piece of me has died, each time someone I know dies I lose a piece of myself and I don't know how much I have left in myself. Right now I just feel like life has nothing but pain and suffering instore for me, that whenever I feel happy or like I am doing something good with my life, things will happen to destroy that happiness and make it feel like the world has been ripped away from me and I'm falling through blackness with no bottom in sight. Right now I just feel so lost and confused, like nothing will ever make sense and there's no point in living or life at all. What have I done with my life? Nothing at all, I've wasted it completely and for no reason at all, and now my grandmother won't see me achieve anything in life. I just feel like a failure at life, and like anyone I love either dies or leaves me behind. I just feel so lost and lonely, like there's never going to be anything that lasts in my life, nothing that will always be there other than death. Death has been my one constant since I was in elementary school, everyone around me dies. Sometimes it just seems like life wants to grind me into the ground hard enough that I can't get back up. No one's there to help me no one's there to pick me up, I only have myself and sometimes it just hurts so bad that I just don't feel like getting back up yet I know I have too. Right now I just feel so lost, please someone, light the darkness I'm surrounded by.
-Jamie