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Well I've been in a very deep contemplative mood lately and I've been doing a lot of thinking, about the past, about the present, and about the future. What I've come to realize is that no matter how hard we try we cannot change or get rid of our past, yes sometimes it is something hard and something we would rather forget, but still all those events shaped us and made us who we are today, either stronger or weaker, better or worse it is our past that defines us. Lately I've been trying to forget mine and start over, I doubt that will ever happen, because the feelings I feel for the people I am trying to forget, there will always be a vestigal part of me that clings to those feelings no matter how hard I try to get rid of them. I will always love Roni, she was my first everything, and I will always have feelings of friendship for Jaxon, but at the same time I will always have a deep seated hatred for both of them for what they did to me as well, and I guess it is that duality of emotions that causes things to be even worse than they should be.

Was it right of me to expel both of them from my life? Does it even really matter in the end? Does it honestly affect either of them negatively? Odds are no in the long run this choice will mean nothing, it's merely a ripple in the stream of my life, and yet right now at this point in time it seems of such magnitude that it could tear me apart. It's weird how life is like that really, things that will eventually mean nothing at all, affect us so much in the present, and if we cling to it then it will always affect us either positively or negatively that choice is up to us as individuals. Time will go on, odds are both of them will pass from my memory and in the end all these events will mean nothing at all.

As long as we learn something from each experience it is not a lost cause though, life is constantly a learning experience and once we stop learning and things become stagnant, that is when we die, or at least we should die. What is the point in continuing if a person does not learn anymore, if they cannot grow more and become more than what they are. I hope I have learnt from all this and I have come out better than I was before, but only time will tell on that. Yes it hurt to lose the woman I loved, the person I planned on spending my life with and having children with, the person that was all of my firsts, but time will heal that pain, and all these memories will be less than dust in the wind eventually. It is pointless to cling to the pain and the memories since it will just stop me in whatever I wish to do with my life and trap me in the past. As long as I move on with my life and keep the lessons I have learnt from all this life goes on and it will be better.

All we can really do is look to the future, and hope it will be better than today is. That is what drives us really, what gets us through the day and keeps us alive, the hope that things will oneday be better, for us and/or for those we love. If we didn't have that hope, then there'd only be despair and it would eat us alive from the inside out, slowly killing us. I think that is what kept me with Roni, the hope for a better future together, and now I just have to hope for a better future for myself, and I have to make plans for me, not anyone else, because in order for my life to get back on track I can't have distractions or other people telling me what to do. It is my life afterall, the future I make of it is up to me.

I'm thinking maybe oneday I'll move to Japan, I think it would be nice there, still we'll see what the future holds, and I'll always try to have hope, and reach for my dreams, no matter how unattainable. Just my thought for today, sorry for wasting your time^^
-Jamie