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FOR ALL THOSE CONCERNED ABOUT ME
as some of you know I am facing the most difficult time of my life and faced with something I've feared my entire life, risky eye surgery, I can barely eat, normally I never have bad dreams but lately I've been faced with horrifying nightmares in which I've woke up screaming and in tears from vividness of the nightmares in which my own close friends are doing the surgery and sticking needles in my eyes and cutting them open with a scalpel with no anethstetic and blinding me then having a laugh at my expense and the only helping hand they lend is a push down the stairs and other torment, its bad enough I can't face my friends because it disturbs me to the point I want to throw up when I see them online or when they type to me, all I see is them from the dream torturing me and smiling and it makes me want to lash out uncontrollably and it fills me with dread because it reminds me of my biggest fear, it fills me with hostility and paranoia, I'm scared truly honestly deeply scared and its not easy to admit that but I'm tired of hiding and keeping my feelings of fear behind closed doors, I'm showcasing my fear and bringing it to the forefront instead of hiding away or running away from it, yes I am scared and I shouldn't be embarrassed by it, I figured the less contact with people the less I will have these nightmares and it don't seem to be working, I tried to reach out and was flat out ignored in my most desperate time, things intensified after that, its easy for an outsider to look at it like its an easy decision to make but its not, its risky either way, and anyone not in my shoes has even close to an idea of how scared I am about or what it feels like, it its been my worst fear my whole life, the risk of blindness the possibility my sight could go at any moment the ticking time bomb in my skull that no one wanted to even touch, now its going to be meddled with and I don't want it to explode, I'm nervous normally about my vision, now I'm on overload almost unable to function, its easy for someone to point out how to win a game from the sidelines when they're not in it, I've been hostile, I've been bitter, I can't handle anything, everything and everyone has been setting me off, I also can't even speak to people because I want to just strangle them to death for not having to face this as well, I alone have to face this and I don't want to, they get to settle into their normal lives and not have to worry about this type of thing, maybe I'm lashing out in anger and jealousy to make others suffer so at least they are feeling pain too, I don't know, I feel subhuman because its reminding me of my disability, I feel I should be forgotten and pushed aside for normal people, for they are better than me, in 1944 they rounded up people like me and gassed them by the 1000's for being defective's and I think maybe they were right, why should the world accomodate people like me? make room for the superior, when you have cancer they remove it, disabilites are like cancer and should be removed, I am a supporter of Eugenics to prevent problems such as myself in society, just for people like me to to be erased from existance to be not a part of the future or the past all records gone, so that everyone has an equal chance and won't be held back by disabilties, all this type of stuff has been playing on my mind and making life a living hell for me and those concerned about me, I can't apologize because I feel I am more than justified in my anger and rage and discontent and fear or maybe I've just been reading into George Orwell's 1984 too deeply lately, I don't want pity, I just want understanding but that is impossible because I'm the one going through it, yesterday I spent all day wanting to off myself by jumping in the river with a backpack of heavy rocks on the anniversery of Kurt Cobain's death and join the stupid club just so I didn't have to make the decision or face it but I didn't...because I'm smarter and stronger than that ******** a*****e, I realize that pushing away friends in fear and paranoia is not going to solve my problems, its not going to make the situation go away, its not going to make it any better, and that being in a world of blindness...is better than being in a world alone without my friends....all of the stress made me want to log off and never come back...but I didn't, I stuck it out silently on my own until I could deal with it I understand I've been selfish and self centred but its not been on purpose to hurt those closest to me, I have to learn to take into consideration other's feelings and other's problems and that the spotlight has to be on other's and their issues as well and that I need to help them sometimes and sometime's that the best way to help them is to not smother them with my problems when they are already sinking in theirs, unfortantly I am far too erratic at times, too impulsive, and make stupid and rash decisions but I realize when I make a mistake and when something I've done or said isn't right and I am sorry, just impulsiveness takes over and I say stupid things or act irresponsible and negligent towards my friends and regret it afterwards, I feel I should try listening more to what my friends say to me instead of having my head stuck up my own a** all the time drowning out the meaningfull things they have to say and acting like I'm the only one who's s**t stinks and with problems, I find this journal hard to write I'm not used to putting myself on display but I did it even though I was afraid to do it ...I have to face my biggest fears...there is no getting around it..
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