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I'll get better, I promise
despite needing medical and psychological intervention to help me get better, I am making the effort to seek councilling although it makes me nervous, because being nervous is better than being dead, I am determined to turn my life around and be a better friend to all, to those I've pushed away, to those I've ignored to those who I've indirectly and directly affected with my negativity, as for those who I've pushed away like Aly and Cerri, I've came to a bunch of realizations, I can't push friendships together like mixmashed puzzles pieces and jam them together and force things to fit a certain way, try as i might it won't make a coherent picture until I take a deep breath and take some steps back and let things fit together naturally, I also have to put myself in other's shoes for once, I mean with Aly, I gave her an emotional punch to the jaw twice in a row when it was still sore from before, then I try to walk up and and try and be her best friend and had the audacity to even ask her for help or for her to be there for me, I can't blame her for her departure regardless of how mad I happened to be at something I dealt with it wrong, I more than deserve to be pushed away,most people would have not only pushed me away but would have also seeked revenge, as hard as this is for me I think that I got off lucky that she didn't try to deliberately hurt me afterwards like most people would but she's not that type of person, I couldn't see her side of things before, I thought she was being cruel, when she wasn't, I was just too stupid to see that, and its taken me almost to the point of death to put myself in her shoes and realize what I was doing wrong, it was like her and i were in a boat recently in a crash because i drove it into some rocks being an idiot but it stayed afloat that time, then i did the same thing again only this time it tore a hole in the bottom, and no matter how much a bailed out the water more would just keep pouring on in, in an endless stream, and my added weight just kept causing the boat to sink faster and faster despite my best efforts in what I thought would save it, when really I was just weighing things down causing it to sink further and faster and it was not the right solution, she told me to get the ******** out of the boat and I didn't listen I just kept up trying my way of saving things, finally now that I finally clued in I chose to do what she said and jump overboard into the icy depths, and yeah it was killing me but only as much as I let it, I drifted for days hopeless freezing in the water growing weaker and weaker giving up all hope, when i came to the realization that I'm only as lost of a cause as I want myself and let myself become, we both need to heal for things to work, so I'm seeking medical attention to help heal myself not just for her sake but mine and everyone elses and, yeah I almost drowned and yes its hurt me badly but no experience worth knowing is easy and comes without trouble, Aly may be angry with me but she's not cold hearted, she gave me her friendship before, and I didn't appreciate it and ******** it up, i can't shoplift friendship that's unfair, its like walking into a store and stealing from it twice then getting banned from the store, if you want to get back in, you don't hang around in front of it, or peek in the window or bang on the glass and wave at the shopkeeper, that just pisses them off and will make them want you away from them even more, they'll close the blinds so you can't see in and they can't see you and they'll cut off every form of contact., furthermore you don't wait till after hours and try to break in to get what you want, because that makes it worthless, because what you grabbed isn't bought and paid for and if you can just break into any window you please and take what you want, you're not going to really care for what you snatched for yourself you'll just end up throwing it away again, so hmm what to do? you earn it, if something or someone means that much to you, you have to show true appreciation, you have to earn it, you have to work towards it and you'll accomplish it if you put in the time, "the impossible is only the untried" and you don't just sit around on the corner expecting others to help you giving you change, that's not earning ******** all, that's just preying on other's sympathy in order to accomplish something and cheating yourself and the other person and you'll end up back in the same spot, I'll earn my friendship back, it could be something as simple as listening to what she says, its easy for some people to do but is a challenge for me but a challenge I am willing to undertake, if it takes growth from me as a person then that's what I have to do, I'm taking steps on the road to rehabilitation and recovery and to grow as a person, I have too many people that I value too much to let down, as for Cerri I am sorry I neglected your friendship and almost pushed you away as well, I promise to make stronger efforts with you and all of my friends, I thank all my friends including the ones I've pissed off, thank you for being there for me when you could, and thank you Aly, I know you're still there for me even in silence
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Community Member