As a child, he gave me butterfly kisses, and I thought he was the god of my little universe.
Time has taken my childhood; he has taken my butterfly kisses; and maturity has taken his god status; and my universe has grown a little.
While I enjoyed what little of my childhood I can remember, I do not wish to go back there. Too many horrible things still haunt me from that time. I’m glad to finally be labeled a “grown-up.” I enjoy my responsibilities and freedom. Ignorance may have been bliss, but I did not know bliss long enough. I’ve been jaded for far too long.
He sent me an email tonight that almost made me tear up. I almost regretted my decision to claim his as only my biological father. He is no more than that to me, yet he still claims I am “precious.” That precious part almost did it for me. I almost cried. Then I remember how little that man has actually done for me. I don’t ask for a lot, but this man cannot show his affection for his children.
I used to be “Daddy’s little girl” but only because I never knew who “daddy” was. I knew my Mom. She was always there for me, and I could always count on her. But “daddy” was a whole new animal to me. He was never home, and when he was, he was drinking or working in his studio or asleep. There are very few occasions I can remember having “father-daughter” time with him. He was always unavailable. I wanted a daddy, but he was never willing to be more than a biological father to his children.
My mother tells me she’s sorry I grew up without a father figure in my life. All I can say is that I can’t miss what I never knew. It’s sad. I wanted him to be a part of my life. I gave him chance after chance to redeem himself, and consistently, time after time, he failed. At age 13 I stopped believing anything material he promised me. I also stopped believing I could ever spend any worthwhile time with him at the same age. It took me until age 20 to finally realize I’ve never had a father who wanted to be a father.
I find a guilty pleasure in eventually telling him how far from “Daddy’s little angel” I’ve grown. I used to be the sweet innocent virgin, the perfect child in the perfect Christian home. Now I’m an out-spoken, arrogant, conceited, bisexual, pierced, tattooed Buddhist. I think the best part of that is the bisexual bit. He’d pity me for that.
The only thing I’ve ever really asked of him was the $1000 dollars so I could attend classes this semester. That was only a small portion of my expenses. I had a loan and a grant, my mother was willing to give me $1000 as long as my father gave $1000. I never got my father’s $1000 because he couldn’t afford it. He’s a ******** doctor! Besides, how can he afford to not give his only daughter some money for school?
I’ll be bitter about this for a while. At least my children will have more than a father. They’ll have a Dad. They’ll have a Dad that wants to be a Dad, who loves them, expresses his love for them all too frequently and can afford to help them when it comes to paying for college expenses.
The one thing we ever had that was “ours” was butterfly kisses. I can’t remember the last time I received a butterfly kiss.
 vafalla · Sat Jan 26, 2008 @ 04:00am · 0 Comments |
