Because I know no one reads this and I just need to talk (or rather, type in this case), I'm going to rant and babble.
I am very angry. I am angry with myself. I am angry with everyone around me.
I'm angry because I am not where I want to be in my life. I gain little joy in anything anymore. I am alone more often than I want to be, but I love spending time with myself. I have no friends in this town yet, and that deepens the loneliness. I feel like I have no one. My little brother and I have grown as distant as my older brother and me. My Mom has become enamored with her boyfriend. My friends are all in other states. I have no one.
I am angry with myself because of Brandon. I still think about him all the time, even after what he put me through. I battle daily with my emotions for him. I want to confess that I love him and confess also that I want to kill him in the same breath. He brought me so much joy and so much pain. He was good at causing me pain, but he was also good at making that pain seem to drift away. I was always the problem in the relationship. Nothing I ever did was ever good enough. There was always something more I could have done, something wrong with everything I did. He made his fair share of mistakes, but he always had the same excuse to get out of having to fix anything with himself. I was always the problem. That sounds familiar... oh yeah, *note of sarcasm* that's how Tim was. I was always the problem. I was always wrong.
I am angry with everyone around me becasue no one seems to really appreciate all that we have. My little brother illustrates this conept better than anyone I know. He always insults my mother, and he always does it with a joke. I try to tell him that he may be hurting her, but he always plays it off as another joke. I really want to cut out his vocal chords. He always talks, just to hear his own voice. He doesn't know how to just shut up. We've had lots of fights lately, more than we've had in an entire lifetime.
I need a project.
 vafalla · Sun Jun 24, 2007 @ 01:03am · 0 Comments |
