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Hi my name is Alexis but i got by Eve. I'm a Christian but right now im having a hard time with my faith. Heres my story.
i basically grew up in the church. My dad work in youth and my mom did pretty much a little bit of everything. It was a traditional black church. Yeah that means alot of yelling and stomping on your feet and all of the sudden bursting out in tongues. I was a tom boy so i pretty much hated to go to church because i had to wear a dress and stockings. Most of the time i didn't understand what the pastor was saying. Although i like all the little Sunday school stories Jesus to me was as real as Santa Claus. I got baptize in that church when i was around three or four, and thats only because my twin brother want to get baptize and i got jealous because he was getting all the attention. lol yeah i was a real brat when i was little.
Then one day my parents decide to leave that church. Dad said god had came to him in a dream saying its time to pack up and go. I should have seen it coming because we kept on visiting other church but it was till kind of a shock to me. I mean i grew up there. Me and my brother were about nine when we left. My dad threw another curve ball about a week later saying how we are going to go visit this white modern church. from traditional black to non traditional white, yeah that kind of threw us off. and soon we started to go there and my father became the pastor for the youth and social problems.They were trying to become a mix church. I'm not going to lie, i hated that place first, but it always intrigued me, like i was suppose to be there. After the first year i feel i love with the people there, but i still hadn't fell in love with God. I believed in him now, but i didn't love him.
Three years after going there my mom died. My brother and i were eleven about to turn 12, and my sister had come down to visit us from college. You know whats funny? It was like she knew she was going to die too. While at least i knew. She died in a car crash, on her way to church. My dad was driving. I knew it was going to happen because i kept on having dreams, nightmare, and visions of her dying. You think i would hate God because of it, but it drove me to him more. I want to believe in him, i want to be better in school, i wanted to be a leader.
She died right before i hit middle school. The first year was spent with many tears and many trips to the guidance office. I kind of start to let myself go actually. Then in the 7th grade i was mad. Not at God, but pretty much at everything. Now that i think of it i cant remember why exactly i was angry, i just remembered that i was. Wait know i remember. Because my dad was getting remarried. All through 6- 7 grade i made sure i got all A's.
I finally accept him on New's Year "eve" at a Christian rock concert, when i was in the seventh grade.. After that i was on fire for God. I was willing to do anything for him. I loved him and the lamb. I was more happy my anger was going down i was surrounded by friends and people that cared about. At that point the church was my haven, my safe place. my home. I was having some problems with my dad, sister, and grandma at home. My dad was being neglectful to me and my brother. too focus on his on fiancée. My sister and my grandma were trying to control me, which i hate. and kids at school were messing with me. Yet i love seventh grade, maybe because my faith was strong then. Nothing could break me. That was until i started to like someone.
His name was Grant and through the year he had become my best friend. We were really close. We both like each other, but we never actually went out. We didn't even hold hands, but you could tell we were more then friends. My dad and step mom finally got married, and i couldn't got to church for two weeks. During those two weeks my dad and new mom were at their honey moon, and both of my grandma's had come to look after me and my brother. Again my grandma was trying to control me and i wasn't exactly comfortable around her. All went well until the last day of the trip when my Grandma went through my books and packed up the ones she though were 'evil'. After that she basically called me a slut that worshiped the devil, and then left the next day. After that day i started to have problems with both her and my sister.
I was so ready to see my friends again and get over what happen, but when i came back, my best friend. my best friend, was going with Grant. Seeing that im a girl with hormonal feelings that stung, hard. These are the people that kept me flying slitting my wrist when my mom died. They didn't even tell me or ask if i was cool with it, it just happen. To me it felt like some grab a dagger and then stabbed my heart, and then picked up a gun and shot at it a thousand times. I don't usual get crushes, in fact i think he was my first. What hurt me the most is they didn't just call me and said if it was okay if they went out. Yeah it would have hurt, but it wouldn't have hurt that bad. No instead they left me to land flat on my face. Don't get me wrong i have forgiven them both and im still friends with them, in fact, now looking back it doesn't even bothered me anymore but it effect my confidence and kind of my faith too
8th grade year was the hardest year i have ever been through. The whole grant thing had shot my confidence down, i soon went away from everything. The fire inside me had died. Even my grades were going down the drain. Yeah im kind of ashame that it effect me so much, but i think the hardest thing about the year was that i had lost my self esteem, my confidence, and most importantly it felt like God was far away. I had less friends. People start to hate my for some reason even though i tried to be nice. I couldn't write stories, poetry,or songs anymore. I couldn't draw anymore. I felt like i was completely useless. The plan was suppose to take the school for God, but at the time i didn't know where God was. A year without him after having such an awesome year with him. It was hell i couldn't take it anymore. I started to become desperate for him. I read Christian books like the shack and blue like jazz, but i still couldn't feel him. There where some moment that i could, but the rest, nothing. At least my family was put together again. I want to thank him for that.
I'm 15 going into the 9th grade. I believe that his still their i just need to keep on holding on to my faith. I believe God made me to be a leader and to help people. So please pray for me, pray that my love for God grows stronger. Pray that he breaks me until i have nothing left but to go to him. Pray that i make him the foundation of my life and not something i look to every now in then when things i getting tough. and lastly pray that i become the leader i know he wants me to be.
 VampireMetal · Fri Jun 12, 2009 @ 03:05am · 0 Comments |
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