Dammit you jerk why did you have to go and break my freaking heart!? Why do i have to care about you so much!? Caring and liking you hurts to much and i cant take it anymore. I don't care if I'm being a drama queen. No matter what i do or what you do i cant stop liking you, and it sucks because you don't give a damn about me. I was only a freaking rebound girl to you and thats all i ever be you jerk. How could you be so heartless, and with my best friend to shoving it into my face. Did you even stop one second to think what it was doing to me. Just when i was finally starting to laugh and smile again after my moms death. Just when i was finally starting to trust and love people. You had to go and do that and put me 100 steps back. But its my fault to, for ever liking you. Its been a year since it happen and I'm still you friend, im still trying to make sure your okay. Because no matter how hard i try i cant hate you.
Okay your probably wondering what the buck was that. Today was such a stressful day. Well actual school was fine it was more of church. Ya i know big surprise since its pratically has been my home, haven, and domain for the past 2 years. At least it was before what happen last year. I fell for someone one, and i mean i felled hard. I still have strong feelings for that person. His name is grant, and his my best friend.
We started out just as friends, but through the year our relationship grew stronger. We never really were boyfriend and girlfriend, but you could tell we were more than friends. We both admitted we like each other.
Then my dad got married, and i didn't really have a ride to church so i didn't see him for basically two weeks. When i came back he was going out with my bestie (best friend). The two people i trusted the most stab me in the back. Yeah that can really mess a person up. They didn't even tell me. I had to call my bestie and tell her how i felt, and this was two weeks after i came back. For two weeks i had to act like i didn't care. I call her and said in my calm but angry (scary) how i felt, and then she decides to say sorry. After awhile i forgave her. Although it ook her a long time to win my trust back over. I didn't make grant go through that though. A part of me just wanted to believe in him.
I thought I had let go of the whole thing. I mean it has been a year since it happen right? But I'm starting to have second thoughts. Did I really let go of the whole incident, or am I secretly still holding on to it?
Sadly grant and I aren't the besties as we use to be lost year. In fact theres sorta of a little tension between us. I don't know why but its there. We are still somewhat good friends, and i still have strong feelings for him. I know its pathetic. No matter how hard i try i cant hate him. Instead im always trying to make sure his okay and he knows i care about him alot. Now as im writing this i realize it was him who i didn't let go of. Who i'm secretly holding on to. Today at church i don't even think i said two words to him. Basically i just ignore him (even though its was practically killing me). I think i genuinely love him. Not the kissy kissy mushy mushy love, but kind caring and general love. Not as a lover or as a friend. I just geniuely love him. But caring about him this much is killing me. Because i know he doesn't feel the same way and probably never will. I barely talked at all. Beka (my other bestie, i have four) , i told her i decide not to hold the feeling in anymore. I'm not to embrace it with wide warm and open arms. When i have bast in it as much as i could, i cant let it go completely. and not wit this issue but with anything else i have to deal with emotionally that i hold back. No more holding back. Im putting it all out there. I want to feel and live gain, and i will.
 VampireMetal · Thu Apr 16, 2009 @ 02:39am · 0 Comments |
