stare
...
So... just had a series of panic attacks, one after another. Can't eat... don't want to sleep even though I should... Got some sleep yesterday; woke up in a state of such panic that I went into shock. My sister left the room next to mine and moved to our mom's room to sleep instead of helping me. Have to pay for new phone, possibly new Ipod, and running out of time... for what? I don't know... Sanity? Love? My life? I feel something bad going to happen... when I have these feelings, they always come true... last time it happened... last time... [.covers face with hands.] last time was when my surrogate brother was murdered by a drunk driver...
The devil in me... she's breaking loose... my control of her... some days, I just want to let her out and beating the bitchiness out of my sister and put the fear of the real threat she's in into that selfish meatsack's mind. I still keep her in though, because of that hope that my family will change once we start going to family therapy sessions. I don't know why I both nor care so much... maybe it's because I'm still protecting them. My therapist even said that I'm protecting my family.... she figured out, when I finally told her about being molested and raped by my babysitter's son, that I was trying to be the guardian that I never had for people. I didn't believe that at first until she asked if I would be comfortable telling my parents what had happened to me. I had said, 'No. That would make them feel like they failed as parents', and then it finally clicked for me. I told them what happened, but not until twelve years of hiding the pain from them. Their utter shock at me telling them this is what made the devil in me so violent in my head that I got a migraine later that day just from how loud she was screaming in my head.
Anyway... my father, sister, and mother are the increased reasons for my depression, panic attacks, and anxiety. My father doesn't believe that I am truly sick nor does my sister. I thought 'Blood is thicker than water', Glenn? Why aren't you backing me up instead of trying to find out if I'm lying or not? And Corrin, who kept a sexually and physically abusive psycho from raping and shooting paintballs at you, again? Lastly, Rhonda, that's right, I'm calling you out so the internet can see it. Maybe I'm not the only one that needs therapy. I've told you time and time again that loud shouting and loud sounds set off some of my worst panic attacks. When are you going to get the ******** hint that when you come home and have your temper tantrums that I have to take a tranquilizer to keep from literally being scared to death?! The last time I went to the hospital, my heartbeat was over 400 because you had scared me into such a panic! I went to the mental ward, where there are people that are mentally ill and have lost all of their sanity just to get away from YOU. All three of you, actually... I felt safer there than with my own family. What does that say about you three? And for any person that reads this.... yes, I DID put this on all of their facebook pages.
Maybe this will be a wake-up call for them because all of their friends and our families will see them for who they really are. I'll save up what little money I get and buy a camera to catch them on video. People sometimes wonder why I'm so timid towards people in real life or why I can't move on with my life. I'm stuck in an neverending loop of them having one good day or few days, which days me in, and then it's shattered and I become this child stuck in my own hellish past again. If I had the money and she had the space, I would move in with my gramma. I know my health and mood would improve just being around someone that understands my physical pain and would give me the proper help I needed to get healthy enough to go back to college. Right now, I'm so loaded up on pills that I can't even do online school because I could fall asleep during a lecture! I take 15 pills a day. That's more than my 74 year-old grandmother with MS AND RA has to take!
This is a very dreadful feeling Brianna, signing off.
P.S, Don't worry, angel faces, I'll be better once this feeling goes away and the drama from my actions blows over (which it only takes these idiots days to do).
...
So... just had a series of panic attacks, one after another. Can't eat... don't want to sleep even though I should... Got some sleep yesterday; woke up in a state of such panic that I went into shock. My sister left the room next to mine and moved to our mom's room to sleep instead of helping me. Have to pay for new phone, possibly new Ipod, and running out of time... for what? I don't know... Sanity? Love? My life? I feel something bad going to happen... when I have these feelings, they always come true... last time it happened... last time... [.covers face with hands.] last time was when my surrogate brother was murdered by a drunk driver...
The devil in me... she's breaking loose... my control of her... some days, I just want to let her out and beating the bitchiness out of my sister and put the fear of the real threat she's in into that selfish meatsack's mind. I still keep her in though, because of that hope that my family will change once we start going to family therapy sessions. I don't know why I both nor care so much... maybe it's because I'm still protecting them. My therapist even said that I'm protecting my family.... she figured out, when I finally told her about being molested and raped by my babysitter's son, that I was trying to be the guardian that I never had for people. I didn't believe that at first until she asked if I would be comfortable telling my parents what had happened to me. I had said, 'No. That would make them feel like they failed as parents', and then it finally clicked for me. I told them what happened, but not until twelve years of hiding the pain from them. Their utter shock at me telling them this is what made the devil in me so violent in my head that I got a migraine later that day just from how loud she was screaming in my head.
Anyway... my father, sister, and mother are the increased reasons for my depression, panic attacks, and anxiety. My father doesn't believe that I am truly sick nor does my sister. I thought 'Blood is thicker than water', Glenn? Why aren't you backing me up instead of trying to find out if I'm lying or not? And Corrin, who kept a sexually and physically abusive psycho from raping and shooting paintballs at you, again? Lastly, Rhonda, that's right, I'm calling you out so the internet can see it. Maybe I'm not the only one that needs therapy. I've told you time and time again that loud shouting and loud sounds set off some of my worst panic attacks. When are you going to get the ******** hint that when you come home and have your temper tantrums that I have to take a tranquilizer to keep from literally being scared to death?! The last time I went to the hospital, my heartbeat was over 400 because you had scared me into such a panic! I went to the mental ward, where there are people that are mentally ill and have lost all of their sanity just to get away from YOU. All three of you, actually... I felt safer there than with my own family. What does that say about you three? And for any person that reads this.... yes, I DID put this on all of their facebook pages.
Maybe this will be a wake-up call for them because all of their friends and our families will see them for who they really are. I'll save up what little money I get and buy a camera to catch them on video. People sometimes wonder why I'm so timid towards people in real life or why I can't move on with my life. I'm stuck in an neverending loop of them having one good day or few days, which days me in, and then it's shattered and I become this child stuck in my own hellish past again. If I had the money and she had the space, I would move in with my gramma. I know my health and mood would improve just being around someone that understands my physical pain and would give me the proper help I needed to get healthy enough to go back to college. Right now, I'm so loaded up on pills that I can't even do online school because I could fall asleep during a lecture! I take 15 pills a day. That's more than my 74 year-old grandmother with MS AND RA has to take!
This is a very dreadful feeling Brianna, signing off.
P.S, Don't worry, angel faces, I'll be better once this feeling goes away and the drama from my actions blows over (which it only takes these idiots days to do).
