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It's a different 19th of March this year, at least, and for that I am grateful. This afternoon I played in the sunshine with my dogs, and came in and snuggled the kitties in a sunbeam in the library. I must pause, periodically, in my typing to massage the ears of a grey dog who keeps shoving her head in my lap. I have explained to her that I am a mass murderer in the service of the government. She doesn't much care and wants to know if more ear rubbing will be forthcoming.
She doesn't understand why her doomed attempt to be a lap dog made me cry a little today. But maybe this is where being ok starts: with the two creatures in this world who will forgive me any human failing at all. I'm not right with myself and I'm not right with God, yet, but I am right with Dog and that's a start, isn't it?
She doesn't understand why her doomed attempt to be a lap dog made me cry a little today. But maybe this is where being ok starts: with the two creatures in this world who will forgive me any human failing at all. I'm not right with myself and I'm not right with God, yet, but I am right with Dog and that's a start, isn't it?
I know what it's like to make a choice that kills.
For this young man (probably not more than a year or two older than me) his regrets are pushing buttons. His livejournal details his participation in the initial bombardment of Iraq in March 2003, as a member of a Tomahawk launch crew. My experience is different in some ways, but similarly remote from the consequences. You never forget it. Time dulls the pain, but it's like a bone that breaks and sets awkwardly. Ever after, touching on something in the wrong way brings the pain surging back.
I also know what it's like to be struggling with pain and grief because the world gets you down, and have a dog ask for your affection, and while it doesn't make the pain go away it makes it a little more bearable. It will accept you and love you, and it asks for your love in return. And as this sailor says, they will forgive you, no matter what. It brings you down to earth and alerts you to the fact that there's more to your life than the suffering. There's more to your life than the regrets.
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So, when I was around 6 or seven, and I didn't know much about antifreeze or medical s**t, my parents went out to the grocery store, they left me home, and at the time, my cats, which were about 3 years old were playing in the house, I didn't know they had been drinking from this stray tire for weeks. Well, my white and black one, China, had developed a heart disorder over this time period. My parents told me a few months ago, but I didn't quite understand. Anyways, they were out at the store and he started having a chronic seizure, I freaked out.
It must have been the scariest thing in my life... Cause I loved cats... and still do. Well, Taz was pawing at him and I put him in another room so he wouldn't touch him while it was going on, and I was all upset, cause China was like foaming, so I got water, but he started spazzing and attacked me, then he just ... fell over dead after tearing up a screen door that spanned between our dining room and living room.
I must have cried for like a week or so... my parents, when they came home, I felt like it was my fault... I think, maybe my surviving cat, which has been close to me all these years, maybe he misses his brother some. However, I give him extra attention. I wonder how he felt about it back then.
It is a shame I can't look into his mind... =/ I felt like I was responsible for taking his brother away, way back then. He sleeps at my side every night... my mom, yea she now threatens to get rid of him. He treats me like a king, never claws, pees, or soils anything that smells or belongs to me. However, he's always tearing my mom's stuff up. Keep lecturing him not to, but, it's like I said, I can't really just tell my cat that he needs to stop.
Lol, he is sitting here, right this moment, I am sure that when he passes, I will either go insane, or get a new cat.
He and China were really close brothers though, China was mostly white with black, and taz is mostly black with white. So they were kinda a perfect match. xD They would always kick each other in their sleep. Mom won't let me get a new cat, he seems lonely, and I hate leaving him alone, to go to work and so-forth. =(
My cat is there for me when I need a friend, so if my mom ever got rid of him, I already told her, I wouldn't talk to her anymore. It is cold-hearted, but I love animals, I think they are the only innocents sometimes, humans have potential to be good, but animals are just... they are like... life?