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No'C, my No'C and the current No'C, has instilled in me some form of trust issues. As the days pass, I find myself unable to... emotionally repair myself. I am confined in this perverted mentality that No'C never loved me, that I had been toyed with, that our twenty or so months of being together were... false, only ever a dream that I had been forcefully awaken from.

Haunted, I am, by No'C, by what was and by what really was.

I don't know No'C. He asked me one day (oh, it couldn't have been too long ago), "Could you say that you honestly know me?" and I told him I couldn't. I had said that I could never fully know anyone, not just because my memory is a complete and utter failure, but because a person and who a person is and what a person means... Those things are all infinite. That's what No'C taught me, that a person can be infinitely interesting and I never once considered myself bored of him and I never once speculated that I would ever become bored of him. Is that not a part of love? Had he stayed to this day, I would still be infatuated with him, from the very core of his being to the most distant extensions of his life. I couldn't tell him that I knew him, that I know him, or would ever come to know him, but there was a time when I could say with full confidence that I loved him, that I love him, and would gladly love him until the very end of my being. Forever. I could have promised him a forever, just as he did. Perhaps in another world, it was me who broke that ever so sacred promise. Perhaps in another world, I was not the one who was abandoned. Perhaps in another world, I lived.

Yes, yes, until the very end of my being. I am no longer a whole person. My missing parts are still with him and I am too... obsessed with who I thought he was to reclaim what I gave him, like a beating, feeling, passionate but terribly vulnerable human heart. There are, of course, things that I can never reclaim, and he knows this. There are pieces of me that I willingly granted him. It didn't matter at those times. I was convinced that-- Oh, my dearest, I was convinced that you'd stay with me forever but you've forsaken me. You've taken things and you don't even know it. Were you always scared of commitment? Did we not once share dreams of eternities?

I am not okay. I am a broken human, but... perhaps No'C is not to blame. Perhaps I was always a broken human, broken by whatever one can classify depression as, but No'C kept me together and I am now left to fall to shambles, renewed with once foreign fears and cliché insecurities and excessive traumatic triggers.

Oh, No'C is everywhere and I see him everywhere. Sometimes, he's the only thing I see, but... things are changing.

Who knows if all these changes are for the better?

I can't imagine his touch very well and I've been shivering in this isolated winter.