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Getting Over Someone I Love(d) Part 1/?: Some Sober Thoughts
It's been over three months since No'C and I have relinquished our intimacy. How slightly amusing it is that I said "No'C and I" as if our separation was a mutual decision, aha. I did love him, I believe. And even now, I am not sure if I can honestly confess that I no longer love him. Given the circumstances, however, I am not allowed to harbour romantic feelings for him and so I will not say that I still love him anymore.
I am... better than I could have been, I suppose. In fact, for the past day or two (or three or four or five or six), I feel like I was genuinely... alright. Today, right at this very moment, I'm not at all in high spirits. For some unidentifiable reason, I am... Hm... I feel grey. I feel empty. I feel worthless and, and... lonely. Very lonely, actually. It's during times like this that I miss No'C dearly. Or, no, dear readers, I miss what No'C meant to me and I miss what No'C would do for me. No'C as a physical human being (or an alien, if you'd like to think so) has devolved into someone or something I would much rather avoid for a while. He's no longer my special human being. He's become... in harsh but currently honest words, a disappointment. No'C, my sweet, if you're reading this anywhere near its upload date, I'm sorry for... essentially being ashamed of who you are. No one would rejoice upon discovering that another soul finds him or her disappointing. I mean, especially for you, I feel like my present opinions are far too rude. You seemed to always struggle with coping with the expectations of others. On your darker days, I remember you would tell me about how everyone either expected too much from you or assumed you'd end up another failure to add to the many.
Me? I didn't think I expected too much from you, No'C, but that was just because you so effortlessly met and exceeded my expectations. I expected you to always be there for me, especially when I needed you. I expected you to not exclude me from the endeavours of your life, to inform me of your own adventures and fill my days with your stories. I expected you to trust me and rely on me and work hard with me.
I expected you to stay someone I could be proud of, No'C, and you couldn't do that.
So, from a third party source, I discovered why No'C decided to stop being mine. In short, according to my understanding, No'C was becoming fond of someone else and he felt guilty for staying in a relationship with me. It sounded like a baby crush, yet No'C decided to end our relationships rather than reinforce it into something that could withstand such an external influence.
While I think it should have hurt to hear he was "shifting affections" (as I call it), I felt a lot lighter after finding out he had even the slightest reason. Prior to being told about all this, I was still hoping No'C would come back to me, still hoping he'd come to his senses, still hoping we'd both wake up and rejoin hands, still hoping, all for nought.
What really... bothered me, I suppose, was the fact that No'C's honesty was one of his redeeming features. His open nature and willingness to share personal details with me was something I really, really loved. But, there were flaws with this thinking. For one thing, No'C's tendency to share himself was never exclusive to me. He's open to everyone, it seems. For another thing, in not being able to tell me his true reason for breaking up with me, I can no longer believe that he is honest. After all, honesty is not just telling the truth. Honesty includes the disclosure of the full truth. Partial truths, implied truths, anything but the whole truth is, in my injured opinion, a lie. No'C has lied to me. The very foundation on which my love for him was based upon turned out to be false.
That hurt.
Lyric excerpt for today:
And now all your love is wasted
Then who the hell was I?
'Cause now I'm breaking at the britches
And at the end of all your lines
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