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Before I fell in love with No'C (I mustn't deny it), I had never before been in love with anyone. Some came close. Some came very close, like this boy who I once dubbed as Root Beer.

I have written about Root Beer in this journal before. I believe in at least one entry, I referred to him as "my deary." Perhaps in another world, I tried harder to let Root Beer keep me, but...

distance is more powerful than I thought. The infrequency of meetings between Root Beer and me is, I believe, the underlying cause of the fade of my fondness for him. It's my fault, Root Beer. If you're reading this, I want you to know it's my fault. I was too consumed in preserving this image of an obedient daughter. It's my fault that I couldn't go out more and meet you. It's my fault that I couldn't muster up the courage to embrace you those seldom times we did meet. It's my fault I couldn't make you happy. It's my fault you couldn't make me happy.

I mean, you did make me happy, but it wasn't enough. Perhaps if I had given it more time, the happiness you were capable of giving me could have been enough. If only I had more faith in you back then. But, no, did I make a mistake?

Was No'C my mistake?

I started talking to an old friend last night. I hadn't talked to her for years, but she... had a nostalgically welcoming presence and I could spill my worries to her with ease. And I did. We talked for hours and she... made me feel like it was okay to feel as I had been feeling. She will henceforth be referred to as Big Sis in this journal.

No'C has hurt me and it was okay to be mad at him. It was okay to be frustrated with him and disappointed in his wrongdoings.

And it was okay to not be able to hate him, to have that lingering hope he'll return.

He has moved on, dear reader. He spends his time with another human now. He's... got a new special human. I am just another "her." One day in the future, present, or past, he has told her, is telling her, or will tell her about me. I am just another story to add to his collection. I am just another "her."

But it's okay to still dream that I am not just another "her."

Dear reader, as the days turn into weeks and the weeks turn into months (it has yet to be a year), those twenty or so months I spent with No'C become less and less of my life as a whole. It's unfortunate that it ended. At the moment, those twenty or so months feel like a useless happening, a silly trip in the plot of my life.

I know that some days, I truly cherish our happy times. Today is hardly one of those days.

I've been struggling to find ways to cope with what No'C left of me. It hasn't been easy. I have died many times.

It took a while to realize that no one, not even the tainted soul that I am, deserves to go through depression. The Shadow is such an oppressive inhibitor. I wouldn't wish it upon even the worst of my enemies.

And No'C inadvertently cursed me with it. Of course I'd be mad at him, and that's okay.

*deep breaths*

The thought has passed through my mind several times and I'm sure my heroes have pondered it, too, but there is... a possibility of curing my current illness and Big Sis is the first to mention it to me directly. I love(d) No'C and I gave my all to him. When he left, pieces of me left with him. My heart, metaphorically of course, has been left with a gaping whole, a void with jagged edges. If I can just fill that emptiness, I think I... can be considered someone who has successfully moved on.

I don't know how people do it. I must tell you right now, reader, that I am not looking for someone to replace No'C. I feel like No'C has replaced me and I refuse to do the same because I hate--absolutely detest--the concept of replacing people.

But, how, then, will I occupy the space in my heart? That's the thing. As I am now, I might not be able to.

I'm not looking for someone who is like No'C. I'm not looking for someone to do what No'C did. No'C didn't work, apparently, and so is it not obvious that someone like No'C will only make me repeat my mistakes?

Was No'C my mistake?