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It feels like it's not real. But it is. The fact is, it's real. Sad thing is I knew that this might happen I just thought of it as one of my emotions just making up a story, and I feel exactly how I feel in that story. That if he's with some one else all I can feel is pain, but I hold a smile to show him it's okay, for all I want his for him to be happy. I just wish he told me four months ago, instead of lieing and forcing himself to act as if he loved me. I just wish he didn't put himself threw that. How could he put himself threw that, just so he didn't hurt me, I rather he hurt me then lie and force himself to say all that he said all the things he did... and what he did to me, I so much think i should hate him so much for what he did.. But I can't I never can, I can't hate him, and the thing is which makes this hard is I ment everything I said, that I loved him, that i thought he was so amazing, that he was the most kindest and loving person and that I was so lucky to be loved by him. If I knew the last time I saw him when he thought he knew he loved me, I would have at least made that moment more special to hold on to. The only reason i never trashed my life, I didn't break my promise to what it was, that i never did drugs or drink or do anything where it would let myself die, I am afriad of losing life i don't want to die, but I would because i love him and if it ment saving his life I do it in a heartbeat. I didn't do all those things because I love him, and i didn't want to hurt him because I thought he loved me back, like he told me he did. But is worthless, and I miss him so much, I broke up with my previouse boyfriend and I cheated on him one I was having an hard time telling him because I didn't want to hurt him. But I broke my ex's heart because I loved my teddie, I lied to my mother, who thinks she knows me not to have a relationship with a someone. and if punishment was death I would take it.
This feeling I have, could be because I'm hurt, upset and all that, but I don't think he'll come back to me. And if he finds someone, I hope he knows I wish him the most happiest life with that person, no matter how much I wish I were them. And that I will always love him and I can never love no on else, for it's like I'm being unworthy to him even If we are not together and I will always wait no matter how long, even when my body doesn't roam this earth I will always wait for him.
 Rikku42 · Fri Jun 09, 2006 @ 06:35am · 0 Comments |
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