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Dragon Quest IV: Chapters of Lame |
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Ive become mad at games for gameplay. Soul Caliber having stupid requirements to beat an enemy, or Castlevania for Dracula killing you in two shots, or Resident Evil 4, for putting too many "Invincible chainsaw dudes" in one room. But Dragon Quest IV is the first game I've almost thrown my DS across the room for STORY AND SCRIPT.
Here's the deal. In the begning, they go "Choose your name and character." Now sit through a small cutscene that fleshes out your character a bit. Now scrap that WHOLE project. Yes, folks, you dont get to fight with the character you made till chapter 5. What chapter are you on now? It certainly isnt 6. Instead, it forces you to play some ugly warrior with no spells, and sub-par equipment. I guess thats alright as technically this is your first character. Thats when it hit me like a Hurt More spell. The script. Chapter one, everyone is scotish. I frequent the Order of the Stick website every now and then and read their comics. There's a particular Dwarf Cleric that talks with a scotish accent. I find it kinda cute, as it's a mix of scottish and english. Easy to understand, and sometimes funny. Now Dragon Quest... Not so much... You see... "If'n aye tak lak dis n' taip lak dis, ew 'av nae fook'n clew wat 'am say'in, eh?" So that was the king talking to me, right? I was like "Oh bother... Whatever... Things will look up."
But I was wrong. So, so wrong... I walk out, and decide "Hey! I'm gonna buy a new sword!" so I approach the shop keeper, only to be met with "Aye. I see ye be eye'in dat silva' sawrd thar. It be 100 ov yer gald." I'm sorry sir, what was that? You shouldnt talk with your mouth so full of FAIL! Ladies and gentlemen, you must now partake on a 1-2 hour journey of every bloody person, from the kids, the shop keepers, to even the DOGS who BARK (read: Baw'k) in a scotish accent! After 2 long hours of trying to figure out that "Bavin" meant "Kids" I took off on my journay to save them (I think.)
Now, this was like every other DQ game out there. You never see your character in battle, and it has the simple "Fight, Magic, Item, Run" menu, but thats what I came to expect. Needless to say, I trounce the first boss with little difficulty. I was fairly proud of myself, and my heart was full of joy as I realized "They're not gonna talk like drunken idiots anymore!" How wrong could I have been... Chapter 2 takes place in Jackassopolis, Land of the "Learn some damn english" people. I dont know WHO or what country they're trying to talk like, but it's horribley broken and mangled english. Way to go, Square Enix. You REALLY dropped the ball on this one. Here are a few examples of the text to be expected in Chapter 2.
"I must prepare the edibles. I am hard working as to buzzing bee."
And
"I'm happy to see that you are safely to me returned."
What kind of screwed up mangled english is that? At that point, I didnt know if this was really some sort of joke in the game, or Square used an online translation site to translate the scripts. Even worse, the main characters talk like that, too. They should have just said screw it and made the menus "You fight now, yes?" and "Want no, you run now?"
At this point, I put the game back into the case, hopping to never open it again. Truly, this game belonged in some bargan bin the day it was released. Even worse, the 2nd chapter, you control a spellcaster girl... who cant use spells yet... Thats like... a Bike with no wheels, or a CD with no music player. Totally useless, and my party whiped on a group of 4 slimes. Thank you, lord, for striking me down from my unritious pedistal, as my party could not justly handle 4 SLIMES. For god sakes, 1 Party member could take on 4 slimes. They only give 2 EXP each! How bloody hard could they be? Oh, thats right, I dont have spells on my Spell casters. Maybe I should buy a staff? Oh, thats right. I'm a princess, and being a princess, I only carry enough gold on my to buy one or two healing potions. And what kind of unbalanced crap is this, to give me 3 spelless spell casters as a starting party?
Truly, if one wants to torture oneself, take a stick off a tree, and whip yourself. Here are the benifits to whipping yourself with a stick
A) It's FREE! biggrin
B) It dinna commant an yer whipp'n skallz lak dis
C) It's a lot, LOT faster than the slow, drawn out, teeth gritting, Chalk eating, grinding nails on a chalkboard abomination that is Dragon Quest IV.
There is not enough Heal or Heal More spells to bring this game back to it's former glory of Dragon Warrior 1 and 2
 Diana Crowe · Tue Jan 20, 2009 @ 06:35am · 0 Comments |
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