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And I quote...



Extract from a PM that I prefer to keep private mostly. The recipient's name has been deleted...

I sit here typing this at 12:28 AM of December 15th. My hand are freezing, but I won't turn on the heater.

I thought I hated him, but I was only mad.

Guys, I really don't want him to die. I'm afraid. He wasn't always a jerk to me. We got along great until he had his kid when I was in seventh grade.

I love my brother guys. I'm afraid. I don't want him to die.

Oh goddesses please...

As you could probably imagine, I'm typing this through a thick film of tears. My hands are shaking. I don't know how I'm not misspelling everything.

Gods gods gods gods gods please don't let him die...I don't want him to die...I want my big brother back...I miss him and he's only been gone since about Tuesday or Wednesday of this week.

I don't think I'd be able to handle it...

Guys, you've heard me cry, you've heard me laugh, you've felt my anger on so many different levels across the months that I've been here, typing up all these entries. You know that I usually do it for entertainment for you guys or to vent anger...

But this is for real. I'm not playing anymore, guys.

I'm afraid he's gonna die. I don't want him to die.

At this point, you may even be sick of hearing it, me saying that over and over. But I can't help it. I'm too afraid to think of what else to type.

I really don't want him to die, guys. I don't.

I guess I didn't realize until now, though. You know the saying....how'd it go? "You don't realize what you had until it's gone"? Something like that...

Yeah, well, I get it now. My big brother, the one who was the kindest person to me fore more than half my life....might die.

I don't know why I'm telling you. There's really not much you can do. Most of you aren't even in the same STATE. There's not much else you can do besides leave some consoling comments, and some can even call me, but it's not gonna keep him from dying.

I'm scared guys. For the first time in my life, I'm really, really scared.

GODS! I CAN'T HANDLE IT!

I don't know what to do. I can't stop crying anymore...

I wish things could go back. I wish the last bit of contact I had with my brother hadn't bee hateful.

But that's always how it happens, isn't it? You tell them you hate them, then they die.

Nothing can be done.

Gods, I'm having such a breakdown...I don't hate him. I love my big brother, and I don't want him to die thinking that I ******** hate his guts and that I don't ever wanna see him again.

I'm so scared. I'm so damn scared. I can't breathe for all the crying I'm doing right now. I felt like I was going to be sick. I don't anymore, but I'm still crying.

I really hope that he gets out alive.

I...I miss my brother...I don't want him to die...

I can't stop typing either. I just can't. I'm afraid to stop typing, even. Like it's the only thing really keeping him alive...

...Tim O'Brien was right. We save lives in stories and writing...stupid ******** war novels with profound endings...

I don't want him to die...I don't want him to die...Please, please dear Din DON'T LET HIM DIE.

I know I sound almost normal with my Zeldisms, but they're programmed into me. Don't you think for one second that I'm not being serious.

Please don't die, Beto, don't die don't die don't die. I love you, big brother. I don't want you to die. I don't want you to die. I don't want you to die...come back and live and don't die until you're ready to when you get old and things have gotten better between us.

What about your kid, damnit?! What's going to happed to Sofia? What's she gonna do without a father? You know her mom doesn't take care of her. She doesn't care about Sofia at all. She always dumps her on the relatives and goes out shopping or something.

What do we tell her? She loves you, damnit. She hates her mother. She's always crying for you. You know that she cries for you in the mornings when you're out jogging, and I yell at her to shut up because I don't like being woken.

How the ******** do you tell a four-year-old her daddy is dead? How? How can you tell her he's not coming back? Not ever? How can you even BEGIN to THINK of an explanation? She doesn't understand the concept of dying yet; she's too young and you keep her away from the knowledge. She loves you, damnit. She can't live wither her mother. Elizabeth won't take care of her!

And I ******** miss you too, you idiot. Why'd you have to go and do something so stupid? Why didn't you just get a normal job? C'mon, man...you speak so many different languages, and you went through college and everything. You could do anything else. You've gotten such good jobs before with such high pay.

Why did you do something that could kill you? Why? And for a country that hates people like us? To everyone else, you may not have a face or a name, but to me you're my big brother and I couldn't take it if you went and ******** died.

I don't want you to die. Get your a** back home and stop being stupid. Come back! COME BACK, DAMNIT! I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE!

I don't want you to die...