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When the abused become abusive... |
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Menstruating! Coming through! mad
I'm in pain from behind and in front-my lower back is screaming and my ovaries refuse to refrain from pricking at me mercilessly, while my uterus mocks me.
I curse my womb. stressed
Oh, and as if that wasn't enough, I'm not the only ******** who's PMSing in this excuse for a household- and the only other two are both MALE. ******** s**t penises think they can be drama queens when the spotlight has chosen to fall upon me? It's the first ******** day. It's gonna be better tomorrow. It better be. mad
Anyway, under her majesty's rule that will apparently be longstanding beyond today, I am no longer allowed to eat my mother's cooking when it comes to beans.
Beans.
He sounds like a ******** angry pregnant lady!
He made some funky looking beans (poor pintos...) and the contents of said pot look like they want to swallow me so the world will never see me again.
He made the funky beans because in the span of a week, I wound up demolishing the beans mom had left behind for us. Carlos didn't eat anything bean related in all that time, so when he finally decided to get something, there was nothing there. I had taken the last of the beans that very same morning. -_-
As a result, Carlos got pissed and said "From now you, you have to make your own beans. I don't care if your mom makes them-you can't eat them. You have to make your own beans if you want to eat them."
But I know how this ******** asshead excuse of a PMSing forty plus year old male thinks, or at least his thinking in the past has made me this ******** paranoid. mad stressed
I'll make my own beans my way, but I won't be allowed to keep them in the fridge with his or mom's beans because they're already made. It was his way of saying "NO, you can't have beans anymore!" without us being able to say he said that. However, Henry as my witness, he said I couldn't even eat mom's cooking anymore, presumably because of my killing the beans.
He's making me into the ugly person he already is-I need to get away as soon as I can, but the damage is already done. -_- What good would it do me, aside from my heart?... That's good enough for me, sorry. I'd be willing to settle for that.
Anyway, Henry heard him loud and clear; I heard him loud and clear. He ******** said it. If it comes up, I'm telling mom what he said, and he can ******** deny deny deny all he wants. It doesn't change the fact that he said it at all.
With his thinking, not only would I not be able to make beans 'for myself' as he'd outwardly claimed, I would have to wait until these other turtles ate the ******** beans that had already been made before I can cook a pot for myself.
Of course, as soon as I cook up that pot that was intended for just me, everyone else will be allowed to partake of it as Carlos sees fit, and if I complain it will only make me seem like the bad person.. mad *wishes to smash ceramic things* Carlos will tell me to shut up, that he'll eat as much of my s**t as he wants... *wants to break human bodies* and I will not be allowed to complain about it or he'll ******** hit me or yell at me or punish me in some other retarded fasion. God that's whiny, but it is ******** annoying!
The man is a hypocrite and a liar, and he refuses to be called a liar even when he has lied. He's a bigot, and I don't ******** trust him around my money because he gambles so much he doesn't even have much money on his own person. Meanwhile, I have various amounts scattered in hiding or open places around my room. I keep thinking that he tries to find it sometimes, but the only easily accessible place is on my dresser.... -_-
It's just one spot where I put it. -_-
Hey, don't think I'm JUST being paranoid. He's ******** taken my money without telling me up front about it. He doesn't like to tell me until a few days later, or when he's repaid or, when it slips up.
Meanwhile, I'm a ******** actress in my own ******** place of living. If I'm not nice and sweet and ******** demure, I won't be treated with respect.
If I'm calm and quiet, I get yelled at, and if I'm mad at my ******** BROTHER, I get yelled at, but where's the discipline when my brother's be shitty towards me?
Where's the ******** "Don't call your sister that!" when he calls ME a b*****d, or when he calls ME a b***h or ********?
We DO that to each other! We verbally abuse each other when we're mad, or even when we're playing around with each other!
However, if Carlos hears it, he starts yelling at ME. mad
Equality of the genders doesn't mean s**t to him, but means a lot to me, so when he starts spouting this bullshit to me about how I'm supposed to be a woman, and how I need to cook and clean for the family because I'm a girl, I get pissed. I get really ******** pissed-NORMALLY.
However, I'm ******** PMSing, so I'm not only mad, I'm CRYING. I'm ******** crying, damnit. crying mad cry stressed
DAMN MY OVARIES! scream
This s**t is ******** painful. I was coiled up in a chair in pain, and my brother calls me a cripple. I take offense in my pain and mental state, so I call him a ********, ******** b***h, something like that. Not nice, I know, but you have someone make fun of you and see if you don't get pissed enough to react verbally if you know the person well. mad
Carlos is in the next room, so he comes in and immediately starts saying '********' every other word-which REALLY pisses me off, and I'm already in pain, for crying out loud!- and he tries to tell ME that I don't need to talk to my brother like that; that I have to be nice, cause I'm his big sister. I told him that he called him a cripple, and you know what his ******** response was?
"I don't care."
-_- You wouldn't, you ******** a*****e.
"I don't care. You're his big sister. He's supposed to learn from you."
Oh, so now he's trying to pull that guilt trip s**t on me?
Look, for that to work on me, you have to be in a ******** position to say it. How about NOT saying '********' like it's a verbal hiccup for you?
"Hey, you ******** need to ********... fuuuck... stop dis s**t! you ******** need to ******** stop dis s**t, awright? Stop ******** calling your brother a b***h! You don't need to ******** do that!"
I get the ******** point, but you're in no position to say that.
Hey! How about you stop calling me a ******** b***h yourself, huh? How about YOU stop saying ******** every other sentence? I actually called him on his hypocrisy to his face once?
He got pissed and said "Do you WANT to call me a b***h?"
"Of course I don't want to, but that doesn't mean you won't do it anyway!"
"... b***h, GO TO YOUR ROOM!"
"*goes to her room for the sake of the peace*"
"******** b***h cabrona,... stupid... *yells at my back* STAY IN YOUR ******** CLOSET CABRONA!"
That's a ******** offensive word in spanish, and he expects me to be ******** polite with my brother all the time, when he's shouting derogatory names and words at us twenty ******** four seven?
Even I do the verbal hiccup thing because of him, but you'll never hear him admit it! Heaben FORBID someone call him on that s**t, becasue he's gonna be all "WHAT!? WHO SAID THAT!? I DON'T ******** DO DA' s**t! WHO ******** SAIS I DO DA'!?"
******** BE IN A POSITION TO SAY THAT s**t, MAN! scream crying stressed scream
Why the hell did my mom marry this guy?
Why the hell did I let my mom marry this guy?
I only have myself to blame on that one. She asked me and my brother for our blessing, and I wanted to say no, but he was sitting right next to her, and she seemed so happy.
How the ******** was I going to tell my mom "No, you're not allowed to marry the man you love. I'm sorry, but I ******** HATE that guy! NO!"
She loves him! How could I say no? But I ******** HATE HIM! *sobbing* I hate him, I hate him, I hate him!
I have never in my life been able to say I hated someone and mean it! At most, maybe I will seriously dislike someone, but I won't ******** HATE them!
Unfortunately, the man my mom loves the most is the man I ******** wish to torture and slowly kill before spitting in his face and quickly ending his life. The guy my mom married is the man I want to hurt verbally, and scar emotionally, psychologically, and physically.
I want him out of my ******** life.
There's actually been a ******** study done, so I'm basing this on science even in my delicate condition. ('emotionally and psychologically delicate condition, mind you. Yes, I'm still crying, and I hate it.)
It's been scientifically proven that when you're around jerks, you become one yourself. You become a bully.
I'm becoming a bad person, and I blame him. It's stupid, but in five, almost six years, he has made me hate who I am, has essentially told me that I need to hate myself for being so ******** emotional and that I can't be emotional, and has tried to make me dislike what I'm like.
And I hate him for it.
My friends, god bless them, without them I might be dead, or in jail because I killed this a*****e, all because I couldn't take it.
When I leave...
I love my mom. I couldn't not love her... all she did was force this asswipe on us, after all. -_-
I'm not being sarcastic about the first part... *sigh*
I love my mom and grandmother more than anything in the world, but when I live out on my own or with friends somewhere, I don't want to see this guy ever again. I don't want to breathe the same air in the same space as him, I don't want to be near him, I don't want to ******** see him. In the event that we must all be oh so joyfully reunited, I don't want to hear a single remotely derogatory or critical word from his poisonous crap mouth. If I hear a single thing that annoys me because of that, I'm kicking him out. If he threatens bodily harm as he had in the past, I'll call the ******** police. I won't ******** care if she loves him with all her heart and soul.
She chose a ******** jerk over her children. mad crying stressed
Mom, I love you so much, but not enough to further wear at my ability to even love myself, as you have tried to get me to do for so many years. This will be my attempt-living away from home. If he won't leave me alone even then, I won't be able to take it. gonk cry scream
And what's this bullshit about not wanting to call?! scream crying I haven't heard any calls from her at all! Did only Carlos get all the ******** calls when she ever called home and never even give us the ******** courtesy of telling us about them!?
Why not try calling your ******** children once in a ******** while, huh!? At least I ******** called while I was in Europe, even if it was once, and at least I left a ******** message when you couldn't answer cause it was like four in the ******** morning for you when I called! Henry tells me today "Mom said she wasn't going to call us anymore because the bills were too expensive," like he expects me to believe that s**t. I'm pretty sure mom had a card prepaid for so she could call us long distance and ********. How could she have run out so fast? As far as I was concerned, she never ******** called cause she was having too much ******** fun.
That's ********, really.
I didn't call for two weeks when I was in Europe, and I hadn't expected her to call home. I wanted her to have fun and be free without her lousy kids and husband waiting on a call from her, so I didn't wait, though it would have been nice to hear how she was doing while over there. However, I'm hearing today from my brother-who COULD be lying!- that she isn't calling home ANYMORE!? When did she ******** call in the first place! She only talked to Carlos then, and he never ******** told us about it until today, when Henry must have gotten the ******** memo from Carlos, who said "She doesn't want to call us anymore because it's too expensive."
Even when she's coming home from ******** work and I answer the phone because I'm the only one in the living room at those times and the other two are knocked out in their beds, she almost immediately says "Let me talk to Carlos."
Well, if I mean so ******** little to her, why don't I ******** prove it even more? Times like that, as ******** retarded as it sounds, I just don't even want to live. I barely get to talk to her at all, and I feel like I don't even know my own mom anymore, and hurts so much.... crying cry DX
I know it sounds stupid. I KNOW it sounds stupid! I know it sounds like I'm a mother talking about her teenaged daughter or son, but I'm a ******** teenaged daughter crying about the lost relationship between mother and daughter.
I can't help it. I can't help but wonder "How much do I even mean to you anymore? I feel like I could be dead and you wouldn't care! It could be my ******** funeral, and you'll be sobbing into your husband's shoulder, thinking better her than my son and husband- at least they are alright,' so how the hell do you think that makes me feel!?
I'm ******** sobbing, and I want to blame it on the hurt I'm suffering due to my freaking female anatomy and on the verbal bullshit abuse I had to take from my step dad all ******** afternoon, but the truth is that it's more like I bottled this up for too long, and all the pain inflicted today just broke me down into for me to turn into a sobbing mess. That and Henry and Carlos both left a few minutes ago to go play tennis while I was still so full of pain... and the big asshead was STILL shouting obscenities before they left, and he expected me to be ******** polite when he was carrying THAT attitude with me?
He starts ******** yelling at me when I say s**t to my BROTHER, but when I offer an answer after he's asked my brother something, he says "Shut the ******** up, I'm not talking to you! I'm ******** talking to, ********... your ******** brother!" mad
Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
Is that ALL YOU CAN ******** SAY? "******** SHUT THE ******** UP!"
How about just saying "I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to your brother?"
No, it's "******** SHUT UP, I"M ******** TALKING TO YOUR BROTHER, NOT ******** YOU, b***h!" scream
And if I seem like I'm ******** bipolar, blame him. I can't deal with his s**t for much longer, and mom's hardly even helping anymore. How can I even trust the person I had trusted with my life, when she's offered her eternal love and life to someone who treats me like worthless s**t? I deserve more than that-I know I do! So why does she tell me to never expect less for myself, but then turn around and say s**t only HE would say, like "You will never do the great things you want, so work a below mininum wage paying job because it'll be the best YOU'LL ever get, aside from getting married to a drunk and having his babies and being his punching bag?"
I refuse to settle for what he's brainwashing my mom for. I refuse, I despise it, and I spit on it. If someone is going to say and offer such poisonous words of advice or words in general, that is someone I don't need to be around at all... but she ******** married him, so what can I do aside from get the best job I can find, and then save up like my life depended on it because it honestly does?
I'll have to live someplace where my heart can heal, someplace where they can't find me... some place beautiful, that will remind me of why I love to live, and where I can live peacefully, without having to deal with someone else's useless, pointless bullshit.
He took my ******** mom, and he's been wearing away at my happiness for years. He's trying to take my ******** dignity and pride, or whatever I have left of it, and wear away at my once sweet demeanor.
I'm not a nice person, and I haven't been for several years, and I blame him.
I know it's said that you should only blame yourself, but I'm going with science here because it makes me feel better. I ******** blame him, and no one else, for trying to destroy my character and integrity, which both mean so much to me. I refuse to settle for what he's trying to fool me into thinking will be the only thing I will ever have. I will work harder, or as hard as I would, and I will become better than that... and then, sinking down to his level, I will laugh in his face. "See? I'm better than you tried to tell me I would ever have a chance at being. I remember that you used to like apples. Well, you lied and you were wrong, wrong, wrong. How do you like them apples?"
And never have to talk to the s**t head again, exempting a few family dinners/reunions, of course.
But, God, I wouldn't feel so happy being separated from my family...
I would be separated mostly from my mom...
... I cannot say she chose this life for me, but she did when she married him.
However, I'm not married to the ********. I'm not obligated to put up with this bullshit. She's the one who is going to have to put up with his bullshit for the rest of her life as she sees fit. It'll turn her into even more of an a*****e than she's been acting in so many months now... *crying again*
And unless she truly wants to... she won't ever be able to play her part in my life again. I love you mom, but I'm sorry... I'm just not one to deal with this kind of crap, and you know that. If I could have, I would have run away again a long time ago, but I didn't....
 Sakura Moonflower · Wed Mar 28, 2007 @ 04:17am · 0 Comments |
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