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It seems like every time I come back to Gaia to write a journal, it's been an entire year or more, and a new situation. Two entries ago, I was about to date someone. In the previous entry, I was three months into a relationship with a different person. That relationship ended after two weeks shy of a year, ending on the fifteenth of February of this year. I was still crying over aspects of it eight months later, til about a week or two into October of this year. ._. ... So... just last month.
What stopped the tears?
A personal epiphany that, although I'd never be able to gain closure with Joshua due to his cowardice and senseless anger towards me (I believe he blames me for the end of our relationship, which couldn't be further from the truth: I loved him dearly and was prepared to fight for our relationship. He's the one who couldn't be honest with me and gave me away two weeks after I told him that I'd more than noticed how he'd been treating me and treating our relationship and that he should either let me go right then and there or start fighting for me... because if he couldn't fight for me, we shouldn't be in a relationship together. He claimed he wanted to work on the relationship. Two weeks later, he dumped me with a single text message and refused to reply to my confused responses, leaving me with zero closure. )....
I would have to make my own closure by drawing my own conclusions about the relationship, what I was going to take away from it, what I learned from it about people and about myself most importantly of all.
The only problems I had with him in our relationship was the communication (he didn't want to/particularly enjoy talking with me, and did not desire to put any effort into talking with me, though he did make efforts. He always treated those efforts like a chore, however, since about two months into our relationship... ) and his ability to love me (I don't think he knows what love in a relationship actually even IS...)
I guess if someone doesn't love you back, it isn't such a crime...
... But I won't call our relationship and it's failure 'a waste of time.'
I learned a great deal because of it. I learned what it truly feels like to love another person with so much of your heart and selfishness no longer is a factor. I loved selflessly for the first time, and for that I will always be grateful that we had our time together.
For the way he treated me in the last four months of the relationship, and the way he handled things in the last month especially, I will resent him for a long time.
I think one day I will be able to properly forgive him, but any claims that he is sorry are something I will consider a falsehood until the day he falls in love and has his own heart broken. .... But as I said, I made my peace with it.
My ability to move on would not hang on my desire to have 'proper' closure consisting of a thorough discussion with the man I loved so much. It would come from within, and one lonely Autumn afternoon, within the first two weeks of Ocotber, it came without warning.
It was peaceful to just let GO of everything I held. I still have some dark kelp tentacles of negative emotion that cling to me as I struggle to shake them of.
The funny thing about that being, about three weeks after I made my peace with my too-recent past, a good friend of mine I made while I was attending Cogswell broke up with a boyfriend: a new friend I made this August through her named John. After a short conversation with him, I admittedly became smitten, but overwhelmed with curiosity about how he'd come into my life. I then realized he was dating Billy. Oops. I put a cap on the crush and refused to talk to him too much while he was dating Billy. I refused to do anything that might sabotage their relationship out of respect for my friend and my like for the guy.
... The day they broke up, he told me he'd been dumped. My friend would later confirm, but we started talking again from that day on...
... Three weeks later, we agreed to begin a long distance relationship. He's a pretty wonderful guy, but admittedly I'm still shaky. It's been nine months, now, since the previous relationship ended, but Joshua really had a hold on me.
I admitted to a dear friend that if anything ended this current relationship, it would probably be me in a moment of weakness. I refuse to be that reason. I will know when it's purely me and if a problem is legitimate. I will know the difference between the two. I am that much wiser, at least.. it's just that Sheryl Crow's "The First Cut Is The Deepest" never made more sense before this, still young, relationship. We've been dating just over two weeks now... but I feel like a starting, stopping record player that doesn't quite remember how to carry out its' tune.
"I would have given you all of my heart/ But there's someone who's torn it apart...
... And he's taken just all that I have...
... But if you wanna try to love again...
... Baby, I'll try to love again, but I know... The first cut is the deepest."
The truly ridiculous thing about it is, after just two days of talking within the context of dating, I made what I feel is actually a pretty sound judgement call on the state of affairs going on in that guy's head
A wise woman once said that if you like it, then you should've put a ring on it.
I wanna put a ring on it, guys. <3
And I know that's insanely soon to make that kind of call but... I do.
... Heh. XD "I do." XD
.... Maybe crazier than that, he accepts my level of affection that arose so fast... ... and somehow, he reciprocates all of this.
*dumps rings all over him*
I don't know that this relationship will end badly. I don't know that it WON'T end 'til death do we part. I don't know that it will end well either...
... I thought Joshua and I, if we should ever have ended, would... COULD... end well, as friends.
A part of me misses him as a human being and wishes he was still in my life and that he'd never left it..
But I realize I could never treat him as just a friend, and if he ever dated it would have messed with my head. It's better this way, in the end. I move on better this way... with fewer complicated emotions muddying my way of thinking.
Besides, I have this budding, beautiful relationship with this new person. I would like to see it through.
I'm just afraid to have hopes for it, to the point of tears. At the same time, all my heart wants to do is hope for the best. My mind is ******** terrified, if I'm to tell the honest truth.
But I haven't been in the business of giving in to my fears for the last five, almost six years of my life. I want to keep trying to live, no matter what obstacles get thrown in my way.
I want to keep finding small ways to be happy.
And I'm gonna be happy.
In the mean time, time marches on-the only constant in my life, until the day I cease to breathe. I don't know where my life is headed from here, and I don't pretend to know. All I want is to hope for the best, though my feelings presently are trepidatious at best.
Still, even with a hesitating foot I step forward.
Even with a hesitating hand, I take this gentleman's hand and breathe deep.
At first, I did not succeed.
Here, with my heart in my hands, I try again.
 Sakura Moonflower · Sun Nov 09, 2014 @ 02:08am · 0 Comments |
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