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I haven't written in here in a while, I forgot I had it! lol, well Fel read my last journal entry and didn't seem too pleased but at least I was trying to be truthful about my feelings over it! I mean, it was a big deal for me but I've moved on to other things and been able to Rp in the chat again without feeling pained at all. I've mostly been doing females though, which is easier for me because duh, female, I know much more about them then I do guys, gay or straight. Man I wish I were a gay guy though, even thouguh they have a harder life I just think it would be much cooler to be a guy and be a real homosexual guy to interact with other people and live in that perspective instead of a spoiled selfish pathetic little white girl.
I really hate myself right now, I have all these things holding me back from growing up and it's very frustrating! I know what I have to do but I have all these other things that prevent me from doing them and I use them as excuses on PURPOSE sometimes to prevent me from moving on, and it's just an endless cycle! Now my wisdom teeth have begun bothering me along with my stomach issues, so now I have to handle THAT, and because of my stupid a** insurance I have to wait for the actual surgery until MARCH.
Stupid insurance rules, though I guess I should be glad I even have insurance, I won't have my parent's insurance for that sort of thing much longer and that's a scary thought. I'm getting old, I should be moving on, I WANT to, but I'm also scared of change, I hate change, it's very nerve wrecking for me and frightening, right now here at home with my parents, I'm in this comfort zone, and I don't want to leave it, but I want to leave it, I want to grow up, move out, be independent, get a BOYFRIEND and live my goddamn LIFE.
My mom wants to put me through these awful stomach tests to make sure I don't actually have something causing my problems which is a good idea because then we can rule physical illness OUT, and we'll KNOW it's all stress and mental related and I can begin talking to the shrinks and sorting it out. ( I hate shrinks but I need to accept it and try to work through my anxieties)
Oh yeah, it doesn't help my depression that I keep gaining WEIGHT, it's my own fault because I love coke, and I hate excercise, but I seriously do NOT eat that much usually, I'm pretty good with my diet, but I gained more weight, 175 pounds A 175 POUNDS!!! COME ON, I do NOT look like I weigh THAT much!! I couldn't believe the scale said that at the doctor's, I almost cried. But I guess that is what happens when you get older, and I just have to work at my weight more, unlike my sister who ish liek 138 pounds and she eats crap and hardly does ANYTHING, yet she can maintain a good weight. I wonder if I do have some problem that is making me gain the weight besides lazyness, I mean, I never had such a huge problem losing and maintaining my weight except in the last 6 months. I don't know what it is, but it's very frustrating, especially cuz my mom is tiny now and liek wearing my OLD size 4 nd 6 PANTS!!
Right now I'm probably likeee 10-12 >_> how embarassing, least I have breasts now but cuz it's all fat. Sigh, I have to motivate myself to excercise but I have even more trouble doing that becuz I feel sick all the time which makes me NOT want to excercise because that makes it WORSE. I'm trying to cut down on my pop but it's hard cuz I'm depressed and it's my comfort drink. I'm putting applications in till I get the whole dental assistant forms figured out so I can PROVE I am registered and be able to GET a DA job, but I need to pay my tuition to get my diploma so I need a temp job elsewhere to earn that but the places I want to work aren't hiring or responding to me. stressed
Dammit, I so want to work because I want MONEY but I'm also scared cuz I get sick so much and being sick on the job is the WORST, and that's what happened to me at Wendys, and I don't want it to happen again, I hate it, I want to be a good hard working person, I want to keep a steady job, I wan't to be a successful member of SOCIETY.
oh well,someday, I'll make it, I just need to gather the strength and courage and DO IT.
Lena
 The Lena · Sun Jan 28, 2007 @ 08:01am · 0 Comments |
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