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First of all you need to know something... |
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I am emotionally a sad person... almost all the time. I put on this fake face for everyone around me, makes me look like a hyper little girl younger then I really am. I try so hard to please everyone else but they just dont see that I'm hurting, I'm breaking, and I can't stand it.
My past is long and sorrowfull, a few main points should let you know what I've been through so that you may have better understanding of me.
I can only remember from the age 7 and up, but I was told that I was a little hellion before my mother got married, my biological father was a drug dealer and an adict, but my mother only knew he sold, didn't make it right.. but that was so long ago it's all ended and he now is married to a horrible woman named Rose Rainbow. Freaky name? Yeah I know... I used to spend time at their house on visiting weeks, she would beat the kids with plastic, wooden, spoons (the big cooking kind) or the hangers, wich ever she found first. I seemed to be her favorite to hit... But her biological daughter was beautiful... long bleach blonde hair (natural) talented with her instrument. I was notthing like her, dark dirty blonde hair, fummbles with the violin. I was hediouse compaired to her. My father though, he had dark brown hair, a little big, smoked a pipe. He would sit me on his lap and sing the popye song.. I loved it.
after a Time, I belive I was either 5 or 6... Roses two little boys showed me something, I understand now, but I didn't then. I told my mother of it and I never went back to that place.
that was pretty much the end of that.
At the age of 7 my mom got married to a man in the navy. It was a sad day for me but lucky for my pregnate mother that the man who knocked her up was going to finally take responsiblility. We lived here in washington for a little longer, and then we moved to Illinoise. We lived in Military housing there for a few years. But one thing noone knew about this time untill I was 14, was that my step dad was molesting me the whole way. I was to scared to tell my mom, I didn't want her to have to try and raise us alone. I knew she some how would be able too, but I didn't want to see her hurt herself, trying. I was torn apart and I kept it bottled inside for about 7 years. I was going to a catholic school in this state and I was pretty much a loner, I used to sit on the little hill in the playground at lunch instead of sociallising with all of the other kids, one day a group of boys pushed me down my little hill, I was pretty banged up, but i got back up and beat the hell out of them, I was sent home early. It was more down hill from there. We moved then to San Diego, were we lived in military housing yet again. I became cold and showed no emotion, I was bad at school, but my mom never knew. She just became a normal house wife, doing as she was told and notthing more and notthing less. It was pathetic, seeing my once proud mother so subserviant to a male. The molestation continued for the 7 years and I kept living in secrecy.
Moving then back to Washington, finally I felt that I could let go. I kept it inside still for quite a while longer and I let no one know of the evil deeds that I had contributed too. I became a cutter I would try to bleed out the pain, it didn't work. I tried so hard to make it all work. It didn't.
I finally told my mother one day of what was going on behind her back. She was so broken by it. I hated telling her I wished for the life of me that I could have just made it stop and not let her go through the pain that she did. She got rid of him.
My mother then found a job back at the place she worked before she got married. I was left home alone with my sister alot (and I still am). I sat infront of the computer day in and day out, I would cut, show myself to people. My life was a living hell that I created. I would degrade myself for other peoples enjoyment. I went back to cutting deeper. Then a man stopped me.
Nano... he was my savior for a time.. but then he bacame mean, neglectfull and unruley. I couldn't stand it. I was cutting again... Heather.. She is the one that made me finally stop with all of it.
Heather, my love, what I wouldn't do for her. I had to lie to her for sometime and tell her that I was a twin of myself so that I could be with her and Nano. She soon saw through it and I devoted my being to only her. I ended up being dumped by her for some girl named Sara. Every time sara hurt her, she hurt me. Heather would run to me and cry to me, I would comfert her and I would tell her what a wonderfull person she was. And then she would be back to Sara. Sara made her happy I guess in some way that I nevr could. Thats ok. She loved me for a time and then... I loved some one else.
Chris. I spend so much time wth him.. I want to spend the REST of my LIFE with him. but one more thing.. Before I left Nano.. my mom and another boy friend.. he ended up molesting me to... he's in jail with her husband now.
Back to Chris. He's asian.. smart.. handsome.. kind.. oh god.. everything I ever wanted! He spoils me so much!.... I guess I needed someone like him after all of the hrut I've been through...Theres more to my hurt but I should wright more about it later... nows not the time.. I guess this is the end of this entry.. This is all I should wright about my past for now...
As I said before.. I'm a very sad person...
 Gothic Alice · Wed Dec 22, 2004 @ 09:26pm · 0 Comments |
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