Today and yesterday started out with good days....then turned bad....and I just feel like writing about it because frankly.....I'm not sure what else to do... Yesterday, a friend I've only known for a couple months in real life just left for almost good, which sadened me deeply because she felt as if I've known her forever. And today....I just couldn't help two of my friends when they probably needed some kind of advice the most....This is a time that I feel so....useless and sick and tired of the god damned pathetic excuse of my life called reality. I guess my mother doesn't understand why I go on the computer so much....it's hard to explain to her since she has not grown up in an era where there is technology buzzling about....I use it to RP...to escape from my reality...to submerge myself in a fantasy...where there may be drama and sadness....but...it's not so real as if a parent died...or a loved family pet....although there are set backs to this...because when I think about death of family....it makes me realize...my dog is 6 years old...he has a pancriatic disease that makes it hard for his pancrias to produce insaline to break down his food...so he has to get special medicine...and that kind of shortened his life a little...so he could very well die..or have to be put down within the next year or two....maybe if we're lucky he might live 3-4 years.....and when I continue to think more, I maybe only have 10 years left with my grandparents since they're already 82.......and still continue to wonder...maybe I am developing depression?...There are times that I'll just cry randomly...for no reason that I can explain....I'll just feel extremely sad and want to cry....many times I do....although I try to hold off until I take my shower with which I cry to my hearts content....several ocassions I've contemplated slitting my wrists since I know it would be quite easy....I can see my veins clearly....but I always think "Do I want to throw my life away easily like this?".....it's one of the only things stopping me....Like now......I'm just randomly crying now....probably because I'm thinking of the sadness that is to come.....which I cannot help.....Why can't I rid myself of sadness? Why do we have to have it?.....it's useless.....
 MilleniaTetsuren · Fri Jul 14, 2006 @ 04:12am · 1 Comments |
