Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

The thing is, when you talk s**t about people behind their backs to me, it's funny at first but it can really make someone feel insecure about their place in your life.

So when I hear, "I don't like them, here are some things that annoy me" it's like, sure. Go ahead and rant. I don't mind.

And then when you turn around again later and say, "I'm gonna hang out with this person," it's really conflicting. I thought you didn't like them.

That makes me insecure about my own friendship with you. Really ******** insecure. What's stopping you from saying the same s**t about me? You could be acting nice to me up front, but you could be talking s**t about me behind my back to your other friends and I would never know.

I can only imagine what you would say about me, and it just hurts to think about. I'm really insecure about a lot of things and I'd hate for you to share those insecurities with other people.

It's cool to rant about your friends if they're being shitty, but you can't just call them names and talk about them like they're not your friend, then go around and hang out with them like it's nothing. It's dishonest. It's disrespectful to them, and it's disrespectful to your actual friends.

I don't even know if I'm your 'actual' friend.

You can tell me how much you appreciate me and how good of a friend I am, but I have no ******** clue if you truly mean it. Do you really appreciate me? Do you really think I'm a good friend? Do you even like spending time with me? Do you not see how conflicting this is?

Sometimes being your friend can be extremely draining because I'm always scared of you not actually thinking I'm one of your closest friends. It's easier to say, "Yes, you're one of my closest friends" instead of being honest with me.

To be frank, it's difficult to trust anything you say because of this. I need action. I need you to show me that we're actually 'close friends' as you say, because right now I'm not feeling it.

It just hurts so much because you truly are one of my closest friends and I appreciate you and love you so much, but it's difficult to continuously show you my affection if I get little to none back.

Please, don't take me for granted.

I just wish you knew what you were doing to me.

~Vanessa