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I don't know why I'm writing in here now. I guess it's sort of nostalgic haha. And it feels more private to me, considering no one ever goes on Gaia anymore. People who go out of their way to find this are either 1) Creepy 2) Reallyyy care about me haha.

I came back to Washington a while ago, for reasons I've explained like OVER AND OVER to people. Basically, it was difficult for me to stay mentally healthy while I was there. It really sucked. I was miserable. I'm still miserable but at least I'm miserable around my family and my dog LMAO.

Just kidding. I'm a little better here. It's ridiculous though - part of my reasoning as to why I should come back here was because I had 'friends' that were really supportive and were there for me. What I totally forgot was that I never ******** see them. I've seemed to romanticized the idea that my friends would always be there to hang out or keep me company whenever I feel like s**t. I totally forgot the part where they totally ARE NOT there for me most of the time.

I realize I sound extremely bitter and I am, although I can't really tell if I should be bitter or not. After all, I spent so long pushing away these people and being so distant then why would they expect anything different? Perhaps I do deserve the lack of attention I'm getting. Regardless, I'm trying to reach out. I'm trying to be better at it, but it's so ******** hard. I feel ridiculously needy and I hate it. I just want to be able to stand on my own two feet without anyone else.

Anyway, things are getting a little better I suppose. It takes a while for me to adjust being away from Eric, after all. I found a job sooner than I expected - I'll be a stockperson at this store in the mall. I originally wanted to get a job that would allow me to practice not being so ******** awkward all the time, but this will suffice haha. The manager told me that I might have to ring people up sometimes, and I'm reallyyyy nervous because I've never used a register (which I KNOWWW I'll get used to it but STILL) and I'm just generally super awkward with EVERYTHING.

I'm more nervous that excited. I've only ever really worked at office jobs which I really enjoy doing, but I figured I'd do something that is a bit more out of my comfort zone. I hope I'll do good, but my anxiety is consistently telling me that I'm just gonna royally ******** up. x_____x I start tomorrow and I'm UGH. SO NERVOUS. But I know I can do it! If I get put on the spot I'm usually good at improvising and making it look like I'm cool even though I'm totally not.

I guess something I've been looking forward to is going to see some concerts with my concert buddy. I've been kind of frustrated with him though. We used to talk all the time and I feel like we barely talk now. ;___; I just really miss our conversations. I tried talking to him about it, he gave me an explanation, but it still doesn't change how I feel about it. I guess there's something in the back of my mind that is scared that he doesn't like me as much as he tells me. Idk. I JUST WANT TO BE APPRECIATED, DAMN IT. lmao

I just put some weird gel pads under my eyes?? They're supposed to make it less puffy but idk. The package was such a pain in the a** to open lmao. I was spending so much time trying to open the ******** thing I forgot what I was gonna say...

I don't know. so much s**t is going on in my life and I just wish things would get better already. I just want things to be better. I want to be happy again. Right now I'm doing a lot of 'fake happy' s**t and I'm tired of it. I have so much s**t that I want to say, but this post is already so ******** jumbled and I can't really make sense of what's going on in my head right now.

For the most part I'm just worried about tomorrow. I want to do good, even though this s**t will be completely new to me. When I worked office jobs, I was relatively comfortable with the computer and I got accustomed to working with computers really quickly. But this is new. I've never really done anything like this before, and it's terrifying. And after I got fired from that shitty company, I'm always scared that I'll ******** up and get fired again. It's a huge part of my anxiety.

I also hope that I get into Year Up. It's this program that my cousin completed that teaches you skills in a certain field (In my case I want to do IT) and help you get an internship or help you get into school to further study in your field. I want this opportunity SO ******** bad. I feel like it'll change my life. Maybe not drastically, although I'm sort of hoping for it. This is an opportunity I really cannot miss out on.

s**t is really ******** bad right now but ... I have the future to hold on to. That's all I can really do, right?

~Vanessa