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LAST UPDATED 27 November 2015 at 3:30PM

[Observation]
Monday after school. Grey skies, a grey boarding station, crowded train after crowded train. The one time it can exist, it chooses not to.

[Imagination]
Time. Silence, but for the persistent scratching and scrapping against a far too worn canvas. A dim incandescent lamp fighting against the shadows of midnight. There is a defeated artist, lonely in a room of scrutinizing eyes. The aged bulb weakens further until everything shyly emanates the rouge warmth of a hearthstone before a passionate flame. Harsher stroke after harsh stroke, each progressively becoming less and less forgiving than the last as he cordially invites his fears into the core of his being. His hand trembles and his breath turns uneasy. He doesn't realize it. Entirely absorbed into the beauty of his art, mentally encaged by the flat manifestation of his creative instinct, he simply cannot return his mind back to the state of conscious thought.

[Reflection] What a waste.
(objective: I don't want to think because I only think negatively. However, when I consciously reject thinking and purposefully clear my mind entirely, I feel as though I'm wasting time. That said, time spent thinking is time spent unhappy, and time spent unhappy is the true waste.)
I have spent much
too much time bent on
figuring out where it went wrong.
Thoughts not spent in wonder
might save me from under
this sea, as I just can't swim long.
But when my mind is not hollow,
I can't help but follow these
fears, my nightmares turned true.
The sad waste is this;
when our souls cannot kiss,
distant without distance from you.

[Reflection] Hope vs Hopelessness
I say all of this with the utmost desperation and sincerity. I am writing from my heart, so please refrain from disregarding my thoughts. *deeply inhales* Okay. I love him. I have known so for a few months now. He claims to have loved me once upon a time, but he can no longer attest to that. My love is an idea of forever. I love him and I can't foresee an end to that passion. However, I simply am not allowed to harbour this emotion if it isn't being reciprocated! For now, before my mind begins purging memories of him, I will fight for a return to mutuality! For now, I will give my all to remind him of his love for me! It's unfortunate because, even if I succeed, it will never be like it used to be. If I fail, I will lose my first love and be forever discouraged to enter in a relationship like this.

[A Letter] To whom it may concern
When I'm alone by myself at home in the middle of the night, I think of you. I mean, I always think of you, probably 20/24 hours a day, but recently, thoughts of you have been hurting me. Except now. Except when it's silent but for my own typing. When I think of you in times like this, I am so sure I love you. I am so sure we will be together. I am so sure. That's why it hurt before, because life is going against my certainties. The fact that it doesn't hurt now tells me that I'm dreaming again, fooling myself again. I don't mind, though. I'm happier like this. Isn't that what life is all about? Being happy? And you make me happy. You make me live by making my life worth it. You are everything to me and I can only hope to have the same effect on you. When I see you, though, all this hope is suddenly adjusted to realism. I hate pondering over the possibility of not being yours and you not being mine. I hate waking up, but for now, I'll enjoy this dream. Ryan, my baka, my dearest dear, my lab, my love, my beloved. Mmmwah. Please don't wake me up.

[Reflection] This fear.
I know I'm not handling this well. This breakup, I never anticipated it. I never dreamed of it. The idea never even ventured into my nightmares. The worst I saw was a dispute, conflicting values at most. In my mind, we could handle anything that life threw at us. In my mind, we braved a relationship despite rough edges because it just wasn't meant to end. Les Mis was right. It's only in my mind. I've been distracting myself for almost a month now. At first, it was so that I could avoid thinking since my thoughts seem to want me dead. However, our talk that day has made me realize that distractions are blinding. I can't see things for what they are. Knowing that doesn't change the fact. What is actually going on? I don't know. I was so sure, so certain that, even with our imperfections, we were meant to be. Now that we've split ways, I... don't know how to think. I never expected this outcome and to say I was woefully unprepared for this development is a severe understatement. I'm torn between two options that I'm presenting myself. I can let go of these feelings (and inevitably those romantic memories we share) and continue as friends forever and always. The alternative is to stay deeply attracted to you, ready to accept you when you decide to return. However, the former is terribly unsatisfying because my current self is devoted to you and only you. Meanwhile, the latter runs the risk of never having my feelings resolved and, as I am waiting for reciprocation, I will suffer my own thoughts.