Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

LAST UPDATED 5 November 2015 at 7:45AM

OCTOBER 30, 2015, ~10:30 PM
FRESH IN MEMORY
If I ask myself, "Would you marry someone who didn't love you?" I would say, "Well, ignorance is bliss."

But ignorance is a privilege and after our talk today, I just don't have that luxury. How do I feel? Hm...

I've been under a lot of stress from school lately and whenever I talk to you, I feel like I'm taking a break from that stress. Being with you feels good and, perhaps, I could be addicted to that. I rely on you a lot and I'm sure you've realized that. I've said it before, but being someone I depend on is a lot of responsibility. A part of me loves you because you're you, but another part of me pities you because you have to put up with who I am because I'm me. I have this innate feeling that I shouldn't always go to you in my times of trouble, but, as I've recently come to realize, I'm a very lonely and secluded person. I know I shouldn't always go to you, but it's almost like I don't have an alternative. And since I feel so strongly for you, I don't want an alternative, even though reason says I need one.

You haven't said it. You haven't said that you've lost feelings for me. You haven't, I think. You've told me instead that you're unsure, uncertain. You've told me that you just don't know sometimes.

I'm scared that you'll leave me, but that's selfish thinking.

I fear that I am a direct cause of your confusion. I don't know what I should do if that's the case.

If I started to lose feelings for you, I would want you to renew them. I feel like I must've told you that before, but I never imagined the reverse. If you start to lose feelings for me, do you want me to refresh them? Because I don't know how to. I don't know how to approach this kind of situation. I don't know. I'm confused.

*hugs really tightly*

I want it to work out. I want to stay together. I want to belong with you. By fate or circumstance, I want you to be the one.

But that's selfish of me if you don't wish for the same thing. Sorry for mentioning marriage, by the way. It started off as a joke. In the past, marriage seemed unreal, undesirable. I was waiting for someone to change that part of me, and you did. You made me want to commit, even if it was unintentional. You made me realize that a person is infinitely interesting and that I could be happy in ways I never knew.

I never loved someone before you, is what I think. If someone can prove that I, in fact, do not love you (by definition or otherwise), then I would confidently say that never before have I been fond of someone to the extent that I am fond of you.

I think I know you. I think I accept you. I think I love you, and my understanding of love is an everlasting affection.

But thoughts can be deceiving and maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I don't know you after all. Maybe there are parts of you that I'm ignoring. Maybe I have yet to love anyone.

Again, ignorance is bliss, and in these thoughts of you I find myself happier than I ever thought possible for me.

I'm not crying yet, but I feel it. It's a bittersweet tension in my chest. Bitter because the thought of you not being capable to reciprocate my feelings is terrifying, and sweet because it is undeniable that you have made me happy at least in the past.

Nothing will change the past. The fact that I was happy when we were together will always stay true. The question is whether that happiness will stay the same, if we will stay as we are.

I don't like thinking about it because I don't want to deal with my worries. I'm going to force myself to seriously ponder it. For you, I do this, so that you might know the truth. For me, I do this, so that I might realize the truth.

So, let us think.

For the past few weeks, every time I have thought (willingly or unwillingly), I have ended up crying. It did not always concern you (ie. IB assignments, TOK issues in class, etc), but you should know that when I'm sad, all sad things return to me. I say I can't remember much, but bad memories have a lasting effect. I still think about Skittles whenever I fail a test. It's like all these negative emotions get stored in one place and that place is safe from my forgetfulness.

When you left to visit the Philippines, I was sad. I knew you were enjoying your time and I felt horribly guilty for wanting you to come home. I was lonely. I was doubtful. I was scared. I cried a lot when you were gone.

Aaaand here comes the tears and sniffles.

I longed to hear you and touch you and hold you, embrace you, and kiss you and take in your entirety. I yearned for evidence of you, is what it ultimately was. I just wanted proof to know you exist. I just wanted reassurance to know you were still here, still mine.

I know it's selfish.

And then you came home and I was so happy. It was the kind of joy you get when you wish for something again and again and it finally comes true.

But you suddenly felt so distant.

As if distance could deter our love!

Oh, but it might have.

Suddenly, I found myself missing you even when you were next to me. It was all so sudden—too sudden.

Today, when we were on the couch hugging, I still missed you. Not because you weren't there, but maybe because it felt fake.

No, not fake, but temporary. It felt like a goodbye hug.

Dearest. T-T

Dearest, dearest, dearest.

Please don't go, dearest. I don't want you to leave me.

I don't want to be just friends. Even super duper uber mega awesome best friends isn't enough, deareeeest.

;-;

I want to be your special one! I want to be yours. I want you. I need you. I love you.

Maybe it's a selfish love. Maybe it's not even love. Maybe I'm just infatuated. Maybe, but I was so sure.

I was certain that we belonged together. I was so sure.

Is that why I'm sad? Because life is doubting the only thing I've ever been completely convinced of?

Please, dearest.

I don't... I'm so selfish. And behaving like this isn't going to renew your feelings for me. I apologize if this is all off-putting.

You've done a lot for me. You've let me experience a multitude of things, some which I should have saved for the future and some which I regret not embracing in the past.

I've done a lot for you, too, I hope, but definitely nothing in comparison to the effect you had on me.

The effect you still have on me.

I can't force you to stay in this relationship. I can beg, but that's not right.

Please, oh dear Lord, please, I could say. Please don't leave me, I could say.

Please, I need you.
Please, it was going so well.
Please, it will work out.
Please, give us more time.
Please, this just has to be.

Speaking of which,
"To be or not to be? That is the question.
Whether 'tis nobler to the mind to suffer
the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune
or to take arms against a sea of troubles
and by opposing end them."
I tried memorizing the lines earlier.

Hamlet made me calm down a bit, haha.

"haha"

How insincere.

I didn't know you were falling into depression. I didn't know you were vulnerable to the same things as me. I didn't know that the human who I have chosen to love was suffering on a greater scale than myself! I didn't know.

How could I not know and claim to love you? Foolish me.

"There's not a doubt in my mind," I told someone when they asked about my feelings for you. I was sure of it. And, although I doubt sharing it makes a difference at this point, I am still very much indeed sure that I am in love with you.

And within this past month, the month of October 2015, I have found myself falling deeper and deeper for you each day.

And yet, ironically unfortunately, it seems you have been experiencing the opposite.

I think I should have noticed. I think I remember days where you just... didn't want to deal with me as much. But of course I didn't dwell into it. Love is blind. Ignorance is bliss. I didn't know, I didn't wish to know, and in not knowing, I let myself be happy.

But never have I ever felt so alone as I do now. Never have I ever felt like life might be able to compete with the joy you've given me. Never have I ever fancied the idea of our separation.

And never have I ever let the truth steal away my capacity to smile.

But how can I act happy when I depend on you for happiness and you simply cannot do that for me anymore?

I suppose I won't marry someone who does not love me.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to save us. But believe me, you make me happy and I want you close.

I don't know how. I feel severely disadvantaged because we have such different lifestyles, but that's just another dimension of your ever-expanding potential for me to investigate.

I'm cold and tired. I might continue this note in the future, but let me see.

OCTOBER 31, 2015, ~4:45PM
GHOST
It's been a strange day. I, uh, don't know what to make of a lot of things.

It feels like we broke up, like I'm officially alone--or, "single" is the term, I s'pose.

I don't think we've decided to part ways, but I'm getting a taste of what that would be like. It's not... great, how I'm feeling.

I have this immense yearning to be hugged by you, to be enveloped by the warmth that you always seem to radiate with.

But, hm, that won't happen.

I feel very lonely.

And while I know my eyes are as fine as they'll ever be (I mean, they're sore from crying), the world kind of appears... grey. Everything emits a dullness. It's like I'm a ghost, a soul who passed on from the bounds of human life, and now I'm incapable of effectively interacting with my surroundings.

Like a ghost, I feel invisible and incomprehensible, yet want to be seen and understood.

Like a ghost, I feel unsatisfied, kept to this earth because I have, heh, "unfinished business." un-severed ties, maybe even regrets (although I don't want to be a being of regrets).

Like a ghost, I am consumed by my thoughts, constantly thinking, trapped in thinking, always thinking. But the true pity is that I, the ghost, am haunted by the same thoughts, eternally chasing its tail in my head.

NOVEMBER 1, 2015, ~12:15PM
RECOVERY
Last night, I was really happy to be talking to you over our call. I missed being able to laugh like that.

I can't understand my previous anxiety. I felt last night that we weren't going 90° downhill. I felt like we were being like we always used to be. Maybe it was just in my mind, but I was so relieved.

Here's the dealio.
-A few days ago, before you told me about your current state of emotions, I had written an entry about how happy you make me. I wrote about how, if you knew, you wouldn't think twice about staying with me because you would know that you were capable of making another human, me, so incredibly happy. I wrote about how that was the good person I believe you to be.
-Bertenshaw told me last night that, during the time we liked one another, I made him really happy. The way he described his happiness was so... true to the way you make me feel. I didn't know I had such a profound effect on his mood. I think if I knew, we (you and me) might not have happened. It was scary to think of a happiness without you, but it made me realize that you might not understand how happy you make me. If that happiness was known, I can't help but wish us together.
-I was distressed last night, repeatedly thinking you would leave me. I don't want to force you to stay, and I kept thinking about how I couldn't do anything to keep you by my side. I was preparing for the worst of scenarios. That's why I want to let you know, now more than ever, that you are the pinnacle of my ease.

NOVEMBER 3, 2015, ~12:30PM
SERENDIPITY
Seeing you this morning before Mrs. Hnatiuk shut the choir room doors was a pleasant surprise.

I was so excited to see you, but I couldn't break tradition. I went to my P1 class to drop off my load of books only to discover that I was supposed to come in to finish a paper. It was 8:37AM at the time and I thought I'd finish early to come find you, but lo and behold, the bell rang and I was trapped in class.

I wanted to finish this note and let you read it while you were in French class, buuuut I don't think that's gonna happen. I'll just write a bit and then read my TOK textbook or play some games or something. I just need to stay occupied, distracted.

I think I've recovered from our real talk. I can't tell if you're acting a certain way to not hurt me, or if you genuinely enjoy my company. Either way, I don't mind how things are right now.

There's always that fear nowadays that you'll just give up on me, that you'll just... go. You won't, though, I believe. You won't disappear out of my life, but I anxiously anticipate what you'll become to me if "we," us as a single entity, ceased to exist. I push the thought back every time I notice it surfacing.

I'd like to say I'm in a rather fragile state of mind, but...

I feel pretty okay. I feel like I am able to keep you. I feel like everything is stable and kind, and it's such a relief from my previous emotions.

I don't know how much of this is real, but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. Mmmwah.

Oh. "You're cool sometimes." I started saying that to fill in space, but I recently noticed a trend in my thought process. I try to stray from talking about marriage, kids, furnishing my imaginary future house, ...etc. I realized that it's such a habit for me to picture you with an intimate role in my future that I consciously have to stop myself. "Hey," I'd start. Then I'd realize that I wanted to mention futurey things, and instead of sharing those thoughts, I say, "You're cool sometimes."

And it's true. You are cool sometimes. Not cooler than me, ofc, but still really awesome. Regardless of what you do, I'm proud of you as a person.

I think you have very pure intentions. I think you acknowledge the good thing to do and you seldom hesitate to do what you think would be good for someone. How can I be jealous, then, when you're being a good person to someone else? Of course, there are times when I do feel something when I see you with another person, but it's not jealousy. I think it's more of an innocent curiosity, perhaps. Whatever it is, it doesn't last too long. I don't harbour ill will against people who you spend time with. I'm just a spectator.

A spectator who is very engaged with the show. I feel privileged that you'd accept me. I feel... content. If I can forever be yours and you forever mine, I would not fear a single thing.

NOVEMBER 3, 2015, ~11:20PM
FUTILITY
What point is there in pretending that everything is alright?

No, our relationship isn't as stable as I'd have hoped. You claim to not know and all I can do is believe that. I thought at least we act like a couple on that outside, but is that what it is? An act? Because if so, you're an awfully good actor and I keep falling for you over and over and over again.

In fact, I'm so hopelessly fond of you that your lack of emotion is almost offensive. Or, no, not offensive, but it's painful.

A bad kind of pain.

And then sometimes, you do the littlest things and I'm just... hopelessly hopeful.

You'd call on me and my heart would light up instantly.

You'd mwah my forehead and all my worries would disappear.

You'd crack me a joke and I'd laugh a much needed laugh.

But at the end of the day, I can't tell why you do what you do. I want it to be out of the love you have for me, but it becomes more apparent every conversation that I am becoming less and less special to you. I'm slowly becoming not "her" and instead "just another girl."

I guess I would be more understanding of your situation if I was experiencing it, too. If we both simultaneously realized we were loving each other less, maybe I wouldn't feel so bad.

But,

dearest,

I fall for you every damn day.

Today, I love you more than yesterday and less than tomorrow.

And yet, as every day passes, I feel like you become more and more "unsure" of your feelings.

I don't see it as uncertainty. You can tell me many things in all kinds of wordings, but it just sounds to me like you're... falling out of love. That's a scary thought. That keeps me up dying at night. Nightmare fuel.

I wish there was some way, some obvious guaranteed way, to restore what we once had, or, at least, what I believed we once had.

I'm sad. I have no right to be sad. You're lost, I say. You're depressed, you have so many things to worry about. You are innocent.

I'm so stupid. Even when your mind is in a state of chaos, I fool myself that we're fine. How can the whole be fine if one half is crumbling?

And if both halves crumble, is there any hope to become a whole once again?

"If we break up, do you think we could get back together?" I asked. Do you remember your answer?

But dearest, if we're going to go separate ways only to reunite later, why ever split in the first place?

And maybe we won't end up parting hands (which is a direct translation from Vietnamese, meaning "breaking up" wink , but I feel like sometimes, we're not together anymore.

It scares me. It fills with anxiety. How can I live comfortably without "us" now that I've had a taste of our happiness?

I just wish there was somehow a way to get you to understand my feelings enough to reciprocate them, but that is such a selfish thought. I wish that you would love me again, if even that meant it was only for my happiness. Again, selfish.

You are in such a tough situation. With the future looming in on us, it's hard not to stress out. Your grades aren't to your standard, it sounds. Your family isn't in the best of terms financially, it sounds. Your mental condition is being impeded by depression, it sounds.

Ignorance is bliss. Maybe I'd be happier a deaf kid.

But I listen to you and I take many of your words to heart. "I don't know" is like telling me you have lost your feelings.

BUT YOU HAVEN'T SAID IT AND I DON'T KNOW IF I'M FOOLING MYSELF in believing that we have a future together!

I think frustrated is a good term to use here. Things aren't going my way and it's killing me, typical of a spoiled brat.

But, I don't know what to do other than keep adding on to this note. A part of me wishes that we were flawless. That anyone could tell we were meant to be! I wanted to have that, that... perfection.

I'm going to do laundry and sleep a while. I pray that I won't have nightmares.

NOVEMBER 4, 2015, ~8:45AM
HESITATION
I don't feel like meeting you right now and I'm not entirely sure why. Maybe I'm scared of what will happen after last night's thoughts.

I recently dug my nails into Cecilia's arm when she touched my hair. Her skin broke where my nails stabbed her. It's been a really long time since I physically lashed out at someone.

NOVEMBER 4, 2015, ~6:35PM
HABIT
I don't know what to say anymore.

You are the world to me, but then my world is in shambles.

I've been feeling really empty since last night. I perhaps let myself think too much, beyond the point of mental and emotional repair.

I wanted to tell you about my dream. I wanted to write about it in here. It wasn't so much of a dream about us. It was just a dream.

And not a nightmare.

I was going to record it here, in this note, during period three, but I ended up just talking to other people about the dreams that they've had. It was time well spent. It was a good distraction.

I don't know if I've mentioned it yet, but I need to keep myself distracted. It doesn't fix anything, but it prevents me from breaking down.

Since last night, however, I haven't felt the need to cry. I'm not pleased, but I don't feel sad either. I feel... dead.

I'm probably coming off as slightly depressing here, but I don't want to filter my thoughts with you.

More and more, our relationship feels like a mere show. When I'm with you, I can't help but get a rush of joy. It's an uncontrollable, bodily reaction. My mind, however, is elsewhere. I just watch myself, from a detached perspective, not knowing but doubting whether I'm being honest with my emotions.

I am extremely fond of you, yes, but because of how you feel, I don't know if I'm allowed to. I don't know if it's right for me to harbour these feelings for someone who can't return them.

I know you haven't said it. You haven't said that you don't like me anymore, but

dearest, can't you see? That's all I think when you tell me you "don't know." Maybe you're telling the truth. Maybe you sincerely are not sure of your feelings, but no matter how hard I try, I can't bring myself to believe it. I can't accept your claimed uncertainty. I want to, really, but all I absorb is a statement of rejection.

"No" is all I hear. "Not anymore," is all I hear.

I want to fix it. I want to repair our relationship to at least its former glory. I want to be happy because of you, and you happy because of me.

But it's hard to stay motivated when I'm constantly like this, always thinking too much.

It's really hard. I feel alone.

I don't want us to come to an end and I wish there was some way to return to the past before these issues surfaced.

That's selfish of me, though. I might talk about your cardigan next time.

NOVEMBER 5, 2015, ~7:35AM
CARDIGAN
I think I'm going to let you read this later today, so this might be my last entry. I meant to type this last night, but I fell asleep really early, so I s'pose this'll have to do.

When you went to the Philippines, there were times when I question my, uh, relationship status? I realized that I depend a lot on you and that maybe that wasn't the best. When I wasn't drowning in my sorrows of missing you, I was questioning myself.

It felt weird (maybe because it was new) to need someone so much. I wondered if it was really worth it. Independence is a nice thing sometimes, I s'pose.

But then I'd see your cardigan and be reminded that you were my dearest. I'd snuggle with your cardigan whenever I missed your touch. Your cardigan was super important to me at that time, and even now still.

I don't know if anything would've changed if I didn't have that cardigan. I think my fondness wouldn't have stayed this strong.

That cardigan gave me hope that you'd return. It let me bear with the distance a lot better than I could've on my own.

Even now, when you're in a state of not knowing, that cardigan gives me hope. It gives me a sense of closeness because despite how you're back in Calgary, you still feel so far away from me.

Aaaand I'm at school. Talk to me soon about this, maybe?