So my day started off in a bad way.
I woke up at 8:30 and promptly fell asleep again and dreamed a dream about my boyfriend's extended family and my father being in some house thing. I then realized it was a dream and i dont want to be there anymore and started trying to kill myself in various ways until i managed to be attacked by some monster thing that tore me apart. (how kind of him)
anyway that was odd for a dream of mine.
then i tried to carry on with my day since it is one of my few days off for the week.
i went to the post office to pick up a package and while i was driving home i had very strong urges to run my car into things. things that would severely injure me or kill me.
now i have these thoughts from time to time, generally on the interstate but i never feel a pull to actually do them as i did today.
so then i just start to cry and manage to drive myself home without incident.
my boyfriend tries to comfort me with hugs and food
and i feel a bit better but i kind of just hate what i do with my life right now.
which is essentially working 40 hours a week at a place that is mind numbing and i hate. literally. hate.
but i dont know how to fix it.
im bad at social networking to find new jobs
whenever i try to job search online i just get discouraged really fast.
and i am afraid of going to my major's reunion due to the fear of social judgements on me since i have failed to do anything worth while in the year and a half i have been out of school.
i know lots of people don't get jobs in their majors but
i just can't help like i have completely failed thus far and i have no way to change it without hard work that i am too depressed in my current state to achieve.
and with all that i actually felt like killing myself.
it would be just so much easier to end it. then i wouldn't have to deal with any more judgement of others or more importantly myself.
sure some people might be sad but i'm sure they would get over it.
i really only think 7 people would deeply care.
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