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I'm here to check on my inventory, but while I'm here I can tell you some good news.

I have made a partial recovery. I won't tell you what conditions I have. The few people I told have just threw it back in my face with such comments as "Nobody ever died from that!" And if you think that's perfectly justified, consider the fact that I don't even tell you, or anyone a fraction of what it's like. Just because you know the name of one condtion, ONE of them, you people think you have the right to judge me.

One person I told was the daughter of a doctor. She didn't even know how to spell it and yet she felt she had the right to tell ME how bad it is for ME.

Among many reasons, that's why I don't tell anyone the specifics. I am doing all I can for it, I'm trying harder all the time to do what the doctor says. I'm drinking hot and warm water now, instead of cold. I drink more than two litres everyday, as they tell me. I take everything they give me. I have to take stuff twice or three times a day. I can walk now without constant pain, I can move my arms finally without it being too painful. It used to be very hard just to put on a sweater or jacket. I'm sleeping more than a few hours at night, finally, after 9 and a half years of that. I've gained my weight back, from losing 35 pounds the year I couldn't eat anything, not even drink water without it being too painful.


The one thing I was worried about, for myself, was hearing from the doctors that it was hopeless, that there was nothing I could do.

They did tell me that. Just imagine what it would be like for your doctor to say you will always be like this, the best they can do is lessen some of the symptoms.

But I didn't stop there, I went to more doctors, different ones. Eventually I gave up on western medicine. After something like 15 different doctors in all this time, I lost track, I found one that's helping. I *am* getting better, very slowly.

I was scared I may never get better, no matter how hard I tried... and that they were right... so because I am improving I feel there is some hope for me. All I needed was a little hope, it's such a powerful thing...

The other event in my life which has made a difference is Jessa's promise. She told me that even if I don't get well, she will take care of me.

Life is not right yet, all of the same problems are still there, I struggle now with doubts and hopes at the same time. I am trying. I'm still here, that's proof that I haven't given up. For all you people who said I'm a failure and a person who gives up and who's too negative, then why did I try so hard? Why didn't I just give up when it got hard? I told some of you my worst fears... and that was a mistake, to share that with you in the hopes of finding some way out...

If I wanted to give up, I would have done so already. It would have been easy to give up, so if I'm such a loser why didn't I take the easy road? Why did I fight this hard against all odds? Of course I was scared! But why did you have to try and put me down? How was that ever supposed to help me?

You've treated a "friend" poorly, if you dare and call me that. You've kicked me when I was down, you harmed me when I needed help. Thank goodness I'm not like you.

Justin's getting married soon, and he's alive today because I told him I would help. His mother is gone, his dad killed her. He's in jail now, but Justin is making it on his own. At least he made it out okay.

If you ever claim you are helping someone by yelling at them and putting them down.. what kind of people are you? Helping someone is offering support in any way that you can. Putting a person down, will never lift them up. You will only hurt them further.

I've fought all my life to be different from my father and people like him. He always looked down on people, especially women.
I'm still here now. I'm still trying, despite how bad it looks. I still want to win in the end and rub it in your faces. As if Justin isn't enough proof already.

I hope someday I make it back here and be my old self again. I owe many people here my thanks for helping me make it this far.

I tried to give Stacey something back for being good to me. I just wish I could have done better for her.