Have you ever gotten so hyper that you just go insiane and have a good time but it ends creeping people out. you feel hurt by it and go into this state of deep depression where it's hard to come out... and you think that really hurts you when in reality it just bugs you so you just don't get like that around any one except a few. But then there's some one you truely love and you never get like that around them in afriad that you will creep them out... and just one night you get really insainly hyper and happen to be like that around them and they being one of the first people to bluntly tell you that you are creeping them out because of how you are... That had happened to be tonight... and it just ended up really hurting... I know it's stupid but it did hurt... I care about what he thinks and the fact i creep him out like that kind of scares me and makes me sad... again stupid i know... but i just went in a state of depression and he said to me if as long as he can control the situation he's fine... i took bit offence to that because my rational thinking wasn't in full order so i felt as if it was like my dad trying to be controling over me in a force full way, i do not like it and i am not easy to handle then and won't be for i will not tolerate it and I'm afriad i will not be pateint and just do what my love one says... he says he's experanced but he has never been around me when i'm that hyper and may not be able to control the situation.. and I fear i will bother and bug him and I do not want to do that...
And for some reason i got very pissed off and mad at him because usually i can predict what he's going to do next and thats how i can detect if somethings bugging or upsetting him or not but it was different.. i did not hint any sign of anger or upsetness towards him for it was not nessicary and again my rational thinking was low so it would have been over and was over nothing for he did absulotly nothing wrong. I feel horrible for that.. but when i was reading the last bit he sent me of his essay i ended up laughing and smiling because i was smiling for what he said it was encouraginh and made me feel much better and i was laughing at how stupid i was being and the two topics do nothing to relate with one another... weird i know... and I also felt bad before when i was upset because i was almost feeling as if to break a promise i made to my love, because i just got so deep and down that the addiction i have to what i pormised not to do would make me feel better even if it is a bit painfull but it just i guess symbolizes the release of hurt anger pain resentment, basicly anythnig that is really negitative. But i kept my promise since luckly then when i remembered my promise my rationality was coming back and good thing my friend took the object away from me that i could use... she does not know, all she knows is that i was playing with that object and i was just a bit scary XD...
I also didn't break the promise in a afriad of hurting and losing the person i can not live with out, unless it was something they needed... then I would... but again what he thinks is important to me and if he was mad at me I would feel awful i caused him to feel the way he felt for i was the cause and i broke a sence of trust and such (i can not think of the proper words for it is three in the morning -sighs-)
I realize half of this if not all makes no sence.... or is hard to follow....
but basicly I care about what my teddy thinks and do not want to break a promise that i made to him especailly more since what it is i promised could cause more problems if i broke... or something along those lines
 Rikku42 · Sat Apr 15, 2006 @ 11:00am · 0 Comments |
