Yesterday was the Big Day.
whodathunkit?
woke up in a bit of a stupor this morning as the rest of the family was leaving for church.
so I'll give a quick update: Friday we sold root beer floats and raffle tickets at the bank, then went to give some floats to the nursing home people, then chilled at the school & the Queen's before heading to the chili feed. Went home for a little bit, and had a little fun at the street dance before calling it a day.
Saturday we rose early to eat some pancakes at the Lion's breakfast thing, then stayed for the duration of the 5K. Went home and did hair (which I'll get to in a little bit), then off to the church to chill with the candidates during their judging. Then the parade, the banquet, and coronation, and BOOM.
I'd been in a bit of a bad mood all day: I had to cut my hair the morning of to make it cooperate (=I now have a new permanent part on the wrong side of my head...), and when karen tried to help me with my hair, she failed miserably so I had to take out all 45 minutes of her work and re-did it myself. then I went on a tangent about how my family didn't support me as much as I wanted.
which is entirely true. One thing I regret (of many) is that they weren't involved as the other parents. Never, ever, were my parents the chaperones and took pictures and followed us around. Not once did i get any help with my hair, and I had to literally stand at the side of the bed and BEG for my mom to help with the Princess Night. I didn't get any help with my costume for Anoka, or my scrapbook either, for that matter.
blargh.
I also regret that I was always the clueless one when it came to what was going on, yet when I did, I wasn't allowed to help where I was supposed to. *coughcough* The Queen and her bff still treat me like they did all through high school.
so nothing's changed.
BUT I have many, many once-in-a-lifetime experiences this past year. I was thinking about those and basically all of my life up until now as I was trying to take my crown off last night for the last time. It took a solid hour.
Up until now, my life has revolved around regret. Regret at not being who I wanted to, and being who I didn't think I'd end up as. I was never very close to anyone up until now. I'm still treated coldly by people you'd think would be a little nicer to me by now.
There was pain last summer that the crown remembers, too.
And every time I put on the crown, I would get a surge of "wow, I'm a princess!" followed by gallons of insecurity. This silly piece of metal has been with me through some of the most interesting experiences I've ever had in my life.
I still love going through parades; that will never, ever change. I loved making myself all pretty and putting on makeup and doing my hair and wearing a chiffon dress (and getting to wear flats haha). And crown was always the cherry on top that made everything so surreal.
It followed me through my first year of college and getting a whole new group of friends. It defined who I was to myself, which was projected on them, in a way. It was a kind of security blanket and pair of heavy shackles at the same time: the constant reminder of who I was before. Of where I came from, of where I was going.
And the thought of taking off the crown for the very last time had a lot of gravity to it. It meant that everything up until that point was done; all ties to anything related to my hometown, to what defined me as I grew up (including horrible high school) will be cut. Severed. Gone.
Forever.
And that scared me a little. It's all I've ever known, and who knows what lies beyond it.
Then I started thinking about the other side of the crown. Once it was off, I was free. Free from the regret of my past; free from royalty obligations that I loved and hated at the same time.
I could start fresh and not look back. With all ties being severed, nothing was holding me down anymore.
Then I started crying anew (forgot to say: that hour I spent thinking about this stuff was in a flood of tears), and I took one last look back.
I've loved having the experiences being royalty have provided me. Being in tons of parades; getting to go to banquets with other royalty; being chauffered around like celebrities and photographed like the paparazzi were after us; seeing more of Minnesota; the list goes on and on and on.
The crown was there with me through it all.
I also recognized the finality of ending my reign. Without my high school classmates by my side in rule and having no real tie to our hometown anymore (ie, there's nothing for us (esp. me) to come home for anymore), everything is done.
It's time for a new chapter; for the REAL start of the rest of my life.
I said it the first day of freshman year of high school, and I'll say it again now.
This chapter's a lot more immense than just switching buildings like it was freshman year of high school. This is switching states: both geographically and states of mind.
Who I was is not who I am.
and taking the crown off meant that who I was is no longer relevant; I can start anew.
So I took a deep breath, paused, and whispered "And for the last time, your 2011-2012 Clara City Princess, Jenna Petersen" and took it off.
And promptly started bawling my eyes out. I could barely see through the tears to find someplace to display the crown.
Then I went to bed, thinking of the new beginnings in store and super excited for my future, yet sad to have to permanently call it quits on my past.
So here I am. I woke up as a new person.
This freedom will take a while to sink in...
Of course there are always a few loose ends to tie up, like getting our signs and blankets from the float, making copies of our speeches to pass around, depositing the scholarship, and putting everything away.
But it will all be finished by the time a new school year rolls around, and a whole new chapter in life will begin.
It's been a joy and an honor to represent Clara City this past year, and I've loved growing up here, and will always be proud to say that I'm from here. Yes, there were definitely bad days, but there were also days that I wouldn't trade the whole world for.
And now it's time to move on, to whatever awaits me on the other side of the crown.
It's time to start life anew.
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