KABOOM!
mind. officially. blown.
from the "HOLY s**t THERE ARE PEOPLE FROM MY HOMETOWN ON CAMPUS!" to "HOLY ********************************** I KNOW HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
and she was getting married, and looked like a flibbin' model... *.*
and to think, she used to go to my college. O.e
oh school directory, how I love thee. xD
as of now, i'm getting mildly used to the idea of next semester. that includes checking up on who's in which room (some peeps have moved :S), making up the schedule, general musing, and who knows who.
I love lazy days like this. get to sleep in as long as I want, and do whatever I want whenever I want to do it.
currently on the agenda today is trying out a new workout thing (after my very fulling brunch of chocolate milk and mozzarella sticks), find a good book to read, see how much fabric I have, and possibly make a trip into town.
we'll see.
wrote a song last night. think it's kind of utterly ridiculous that I'm still thinking about it, much less have enough emotion about it to make a stupid song concerning it............................. lasdkjdflgkhfdgiskl.
started cleaning my room, too. two garbage bags later, i've barely made a dent in it. but I'm starting to see a little floor, so that's good. :]
and I've shoved all of the crap to one side of the room so I have a titch more space to sew.
now I need a giant magnet to collect all of the pins on the floor.
... right then.
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a couple hours later:
that workout kicked my butt. I was only halfway through when I had to quit... goodness. :]
... naptime. i love doing absolutely nothing. :]
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end of the day. urrrrr.
ended up not taking a nap, but made a skirt outta a couple old t-shirts and found myself going to the gym with karen and mom.
which is why i don't feel so bad that i was gorging on candy corn all night.
xD
it amuses me greatly how much I hate my college, yet refuse to leave it.
because the very things I detest I also enjoy. lol.
the tight-knit community: it's totally awesome... if you're on the right side of the right fence.
the money: bang for the buck?.... yay scholarships galore.
education: close-minded teachers who force their ideas of our own religion down our throat while encouraging us to think for ourselves. (say what??) also yay for smallness because they actually make an effort to know my name.
name and mascot: utterly ridiculous. it sounds stupid, and our "mascot" isn't beastly in the least... defenders?! come on!
yeah, our sports suck. our name sucks. our education is small-minded. our campus is less-than-stellar. and how we handle things is just plain... weird.
despite being in the middle of a cornfield, people here aren't hicks. they can't be; that's too good for these kids who've grown up in private schools and know nothing of the real world.
they didn't come from communities where the schools have "drive your tractor to school day", where a burning house is a social gathering, and random people help you out when you're in a pickle 10 miles from anywhere.
i feel i reek of "public school".
why am I still there?
well, I already have the plan set up, for one, and for two: money. the bill is fifteen thousand. I'm only paying one thousand. (soon to be less than that, too)
and even if I don't fit in at all, it's nice having a pseudo-support system in place all through campus for whatever.
anywho... the plan, you ask? well, it's like this. I already have every single course plotted out that I need to take my entire college career in order to graduate with a bachelor's in Communications-Public Relations with minors in English (general) and Business Administration- Human Resource Management. I will have 3 more on-campus semesters before I go to Nashville for a semester, then two more after that. I plan to graduate a semester early. (it could be a year, but this IS college and anything and everything becomes a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity). during the summers, my plan is to work. This coming summer it'll be in town; either the radio or at the hospital or something funky like that to rack up experience. then the summers after that, get internships across the country. Seattle, New York, San Francisco... heck, maybe even overseas biggrin
hopefully by the end I'll have discovered a passion, then I will know how to pursue it for the rest of my life.
who knows where I'll be by then. When i walk out of there in a graduation robe and a(nother) diploma, things will probably be very different from what they are now.
friends, relationships, physical appearance, personality, priorities... everything.
i want to be more social. i want to look better, be a better person. I want to find what drives me, what sets me on fire and makes me alive for the world. I want to live up to my own definition of successful (which I'll probably make up as I go along, haha).
and who knows. I may still be here, I may not. I don't really know what I'd do without this simple pleasure of being able to write and write and write whatever I want and post it to the world, yet no one has to find it.
I'll keep thinking. Internalizing these desires is what is going to make them come true; they aren't New Year's resolutions, they are simply... *shrug* they're not "goals", per se, just... what to aim for. What to believe in, what to live for.
for simply saying "I want to lose weight, my condescending attitude of life, and my social ineptitude this year" isn't going to cut it for me; I need to understand the millions of little parts that make up everything, then gradually shift the pieces that will allow me to make said changes.
"Gradually" being the key word.
Life is a habit. Everything we do is a habit, so if we try anything short-term, it's bound to fail (DIETS, anyone?). Lifestyle changes are necessary for ANY change, and a s**t ton of people don't understand that.
Examples of said changes: Whole milk to 1-percent (I'm typing in the dark, numbers and symbols scare me right now lol), making more social arrangements instead of holing up in the dorm room between classes (could be as intricate as a weekend outing or a simple trip to another's room to say hi), and keeping mouth shut when someone does something utterly stupid (degree of stupidity could warrant use of verbal acknowledgement).
the hardest part for me is going to be the social one. I'm not the kind of person who talks to people "just to say hi"... a purpose is usually needed for me to start talking, but I know how to make small-talk from there. I understand the reasons for just saying Hi, (all of which have to do with maintaining a socially-acceptable social reputation) but then there's static in the station when the battle starts so I shut down. (If you're talking to them just to say hi, then you're trying to just improve your social image, but in our society we're taught not to care what others think about us, yet are informed that what "they" think about us matters more than what we think about ourselves... etc.)
aterrahw43jsdlfkjbsldkjgvoijrhlkjwehrflskjdflkasdjflkaj.
i'm so young. so juvenile. to this day, it drives me absolutely crazy.
I'm sure this is one of the anchors that keeps me there, and my current social circles as well.
it's kind of like rotating a skyscraper 90 degrees, in some sense... you have to start the shift at the foundation, then support the rest as it follows suit.
so I need to find the core of my foundation, and pluck up the courage to start pushing. I know all too well that the rest of me will follow in due order.
if there really IS more to life than college, what is it? Life is simply living each day for what it is, whether that be a day at college or a day in a fluorescent-lighted plastic cubicle.
one of these days it'll start making more sense. like I said, it's shifting some of those millions of pieces to start change.
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