NOTE:
The following content is not for:
-Anyone who is of the faint-hearted.
-Anyone who is easily offended.
-Anyone under 15.
[I will not be held responsible for corrupting any curious tweens and I will not be held responsible for any personal insult that may be caused or acquired from the reading and / or viewing of this list. Any and all content is not directed at any specific individual. The following information is subject to change, updates and justification.]
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Listen kids, I've seen a lot of s**t role plays in my days, and this ol' veteran has a few things to say about them. I'm so sick of role plays violating my personal rules, and I have so many rules and a system for which they apply to: that instead of nagging to my poor victim Bipolar Tangerine (I'm sorry that you had to hear me rant dear), I'm going to make a list of rules that I can print up and use as a guide to separate the failures from 5-Star quality.
First of all I have a policy since I am somewhat merciful and ready to curve my grading system accordingly, to the flawed human society.
• Three Strikes •
I WILL NOT JOIN A ROLE PLAY IF IT VIOLATES MY THREE-STRIKE RULE.
Note:
Some aspects may count for all or some of the three strikes depending on my opinion of the severity of the matter. Other favorable aspects can compensate for strikes.
The following try my patience...
• Romance
xxxxxx Strikes: 2.8
Love. Love is so intimate, so passionate, so.... cliché. Until I can see the act performed correctly, as it should be, rather than a teenage love affair, then you'll continue to see this specific section get bigger and bigger. Its a sad excuse for spam when the characters just suddenly decide to get together and call it destiny. The women accept the men based on pictures and personality, while this is partially true in real life, there really is more to it. But in the end the men will want sex and the women will want a mate. Guess what comes next? They will start bedding each other regardless of the fact that they don't have condoms, are not of the same species or even have similar philosophies when it comes to filing deductibles on your taxes and agreeing on a specific style of interior design. Reality does not work that way! Then there's the STDs! Don't even get me started... They even want to get pregnant! Now here's the best part, they spend several posts worrying about the baby, telling each other how much they love the other. They will do nothing but foretell of a story about two happy people with happy lives, having a happy obedient baby.... I laughed so hard and was so sickened by their ignorance. ANY mother can tell you that pregnancy is the worst experience of her feminine life. First you've got morning sickness, mood swings, cravings in the middle of the night, emotional and physical hypersensitivity, then the baby is kicking and growing; and then when the time comes, the most excruciating pain you will ever imagine. It's horrible! You can hardly walk without needing to go to the bathroom every two minutes, much less fight monsters! There is a huge difference between love-flings and a well-developed relationship that blossomed over a course of the role play. It doesn't start with finding love because love is supposed to find you, it starts with good characters and proper role players who are mature enough to allow their characters to adhere to realistic expectations while struggling with the day-to-day obstacles that their world has to offer (be they physical or mental.) That's just the surface. There's more to it, but it shouldn't take reading an article to figure that one out. You should already have a general idea of how to understand the logistics for a stable, long-lasting relationship unless you're some slut who goes through life sleeping around and popping babies out of your v****a like candy. Which reminds me... People pairing up, and time skipping every other week doing all this lovey-dovey crap whilst isolating themselves from the crowd is very annoying to the rest of us who have this dying hope that they will eventually stop role playing in that specific forum. We the annoyed have a message for you a**-hats... chart a jet to the nearest desert isle... (and for those of us in high hopes) that jet will crash and burn.
• Mansions and Moochers
xxxxxx Strikes: 1.0
Ok who in their right mind mooches from rich millionaires and pseudo rich millionaires?! Seriously, if they wanted their mansion full of hobos and rogues covered in filth, full of mystery and probably infected with countless bacteria, they would give their estate to an orphanage. But no... They allow these complete strangers to walk right in. And that's just it! They will march their god damn self-righteous asses right in there, have some kind of poignant moment with one of the characters, or themselves if they are really that lame and then start to decide on calling it "home." What the hell?? Who the ******** in their right mind pulls that kind of crap?! If a stranger so much as walks on my property I will beat the living snot out of that freeloader within an inch of his / her / its life! The same applies for that lost group of loser kids who hide out in some abandoned area. Keep the Mile-High club where it should be, leave the Playboy Mansion ALONE. And think before you do something stupid such as: assuming an abandoned castle has plumbing much less sanitary rooms, believe people who invite you into their castle are perfectly sane, or think that there is no eventual sex scandal that will eventually surface from all the man / woman / whore tension.
• Slave and Master
xxxxxx Strikes: 2.0
Losers and sickos, get a GOD DAMN life! You want to indulge in sick fantasies, then go get laid. I can understand certain fantasies, but seriously- it always ends with something ridiculously stupid. The role players start pairing up, the master is then damned to fall for their slave, the slaves are usually emo (because of their depressing history), the masters are always timid pussies in the first place, and these people are expected to find "love" somehow in this scenario. There should be some sick urban action if you're dealing with something like this. Look it up on the internet (for those innocent young minds who should not be on Gaia, I advise against it.) Slaves are nothing but human sex toys that are mercilessly exploited on the net for men to jack-off to. In the event that I feel absolutely relentless and evil, yeah, I'll join one of those role plays just so I can rattle a few cages and play the rouge demon (metaphorical) everyone wants dead. But that's if I'm feeling particularly immature. The black market shows no mercy and neither should the dealers.
• Academies
xxxxxx Strikes: 2.0
Harry Potter was a good story, but believing that role players will be willing to run from class to class to learn pointless truths and obey the mods is failure waiting to happen, I suppose this could work if a few people actually made several characters each, but everyone is too stupid and unorganized. So why even bother with the trouble of making the role play in the first place. I know! Its basically a mansion role play in disguise. You people waste my time.
• Cheap Knock-Offs of Twilight
xxxxxx Strikes: 3.0
The day I'm reduced to this kind of inexcusable crap, is the day I'll have given up sick kicks for messing with people mentally. I will not (under any circumstances) join this role play. In which case, I've got a hand full of words for all you Twilight-obsessed freaks: GO. ********. A. CACTUS.
• Emo People
xxxxxx Strikes: 2.5
Ok... lemme think, you hate your life so you have the need to gain the pity party by having a terrible history; we call these people "attention whores." For those that throw themselves out into fights they can't win; we call these people "retards." Or, for others with a similar mental condition, they completely exaggerate a character biography to match their own life and play it out as they would want to. Listen, some of us actually have terrible lives and don't even need to exaggerate in the least to talk about the true horrors in life. There are some of us among the crowd who would kill for two or even one--just one loving parent to be raised by. Quite frankly all of you posers insult them, because you don't know how to play the part. You don't know how to correctly establish a character of such caliber in the first place. I don't care if your life sucks, nobody has a perfect life. Those of us who know that also know that there are better things to do than isolate ourselves for the sole purpose of attention. As creative as the premise and layout may appear, if the characters bug me, we've got a problem. It has been proven that I kill role plays. I am not even kidding. No... I'm serious, this has happened 10 times, I'll post once in a role play that I am totally fine with and it will just cease activity altogether. It tragic really. To distinguish me from any other person, is the same as identifying a colorless, tasteless, odorless poison that dissolves instantaneously in water. Sound familiar? I am this poison known only to the role play world; I will kill your role play if I don't like the people in the role play. But if your role play passes the Instant-Death posts of mine, then I my presence will only last as long as my tolerance for these people and based on the size of this rant I will let you be the judge of that.
• Whores on Patrol
xxxxxx Strikes: 2.0
Ladies and genitalia, I know you seek love, you seek a false reality that you can escape from because your life is miserable. And so you pride yourself by describing your feature down to the very picket sign lodged into your character's vaginal area with a very blunt 'INSERT HAWT p***s HERE.' Here's a little activity for you readers, shake your head in dismay and testify your sad experiences if any of these things looks or sounds familiar to you. These are the people who tend to play hot, wet and stubborn 90% of the time, eventually become the damsel in distress but refuse to play an acceptable role for that part even then! Oh my god, there is so much wrong with these people! They don't even stay true to their character descriptions! As soon as they see a semi-decent man in the role play then you'd better watch out and you'd better not cry. Meanwhile I'm pouting in the corner, and I'll tell you why (no, it's not because of the Santa Claus jingle that I just referenced) it's because the whores are patrolling the town and they are looking for a boyfriend to fall in love with. C'mon people, we know how these things work. They either faint, get attacked, become lost, or play shy and seemingly hard to get. Then when they have the male's attention they go on to pain-painstakingly describe every detail of their every being. And if their subtle over-descriptive dialogue fails to catch the man's attention, then the obvious slutty fan-fic fantasies in OOC chats or unnecessary fantasy love sequences that THEY started without ANY PRIOR role play influence, then you will definitely know who these people are. If your character isn't already a whore, and they are staying in character, then you dipsticks know who you are. I will not stand for you, and if the role play has yet to flunk my three-strike test, so help me god, I will run you outta town faster than you can say "f*ck me."
• Nekos
xxxxxx Strikes: 2.9
The second I see any of you freaks in a role play, I immediately give my self two options: 1.) Keep searching for something better. 2.) Hunt the immature rodent and skin the damn thing. (Use as fashion accessory for later.)
• Inactivity
xxxxxx Strikes: 3.0
This has been the sob story of my life. I will find a great role play with an amazing plot. I will think "THERE REALLY IS A GOD!!!" I will proceed to look at the last and second to last time anyone has ever posted and it will most likely date last week and today. From which I immediately shame myself for ever believing in miracles and continue my grim search with a bitter heart.
• Racism
xxxxxx Strikes: 1.0
There is nothing more frustrating than seeing a perfectly good role play limit what your character can and can't be. I don't want to be a centaur or a stupid griffin! What if I wanted to be.... BATMAN! Wait-- I've got a better example: humans and vampires / zombies. I have never seen so many of these in my life, and I have never felt such a stronger hatred for the a*****e who decided that vampires should suddenly dominate the role play society...--coughStephanieMeyerscough--... What's worse, some of them decided to establish what vampires are and what they can and can't do. And lemme tell you, those people are the biggest dumb asses. "Vampires are hurt by silver and can turn into an animal of their choice." There are so many things wrong with that statement I don't know where to begin. On a side note, it is also not uncommon for some sap to make a sad excuse like their parents were killed by the other race and go off on a genocide mission. LAME SAUCE. Aside from that (if one must limit the races) I prefer categories that won't play to appease the band wagons. What can I say, I like variation. Humans, I can deal with to some extent, others... not so much. For humans it depends, reality based role plays... I'm 50/50 depending on the style in which the role play is fashioned. If its pure humanity in an out of society setting...? I'm all for it. Alas, I have yet to see one.
• Unequal Gender Participation
xxxxxx Strikes: 1.0
All men I can sort-of handle, but you rarely ever find that. Where there is a man, there is an army of women trying to seduce the poor b*****d. Yet where there is a woman, there is an army of lesbians to try to convert the poor b***h if she already hasn't been raped by some man whore / woman thing and scarred for life. All girls and no men to toy with will begin to screw with a person's sexuality. Which leads me to my next topic.
• Yaoi / Yuri
xxxxxx Strikes: 2.5
I will only join such a role play if I really wanna mentally screw with the gay pride society, no I don't mean make fun of them. Listen, I don't mind them getting together and getting married so long as they don't drag my sorry a** into the middle of things. I'm straight. Deal with it. And the "Kawaii~ I <3 Yaoi!" gets old... its gets really old, really fast. Just imagine, the reality of Yaoi in America: two single men, who have no girlfriend, are over weight, drink beer and watch football without showering everyday start having a passionate love affair in bed. Yeah... I don't think its cute. Welcome to life. Heck, this also ties in with the fact that I hate romance. Don't get me wrong, I've been in stable relationships and I enjoy the idea of "love", but when love (the love required for a stable long-lasting relationship) is replaced by an undying passion like the burning of a thousand suns. I start voicing my complaints.
• Literacy vs Illiteracy
xxxxxx Strikes: 2.0
Some role plays are literate (I respect these.) Other role plays are semi-literate. (I wince at these.) Some are a bit of both (I grin and bear it.) Now let me get some thing straight. I am a bit of a Grammar Nazi, (for all those smart-a** jerks who nit pick every detail, take note: nobody is perfect.) Yes, I make mistakes too, but I fix them. Let us first consult the Oxford dictionary to further enlighten us about these meanings. Semi-literate: unable to read or write with ease or fluency; poorly educated; something that is poorly written. Literacy: ability to read and write; competence or knowledge in a specified area. Alright now that we have that out of the way, lets take a moment and reflect on the fact that anyone with a good education is literate. Its impossible to honestly believe that everyone is seriously that stupid. Then again ... when I see the lack of apostrophes, the lack of space after a period, no capitalization at the beginning of a sentence, typing "your" instead of "you're" and even misspelling words... Its not that hard to imagine any more. But there's also the others who are so high with literacy, that they create the "Great Wall of Text." Nobody in their right mind will be willing to read something like that. Seriously, just because you are literate, doesn't mean that you're intelligent or creative. And for those of you who can't type for crap but have a wide imagination; take English lessons and then come talk to me. When in doubt, keep in mind, "quality over quantity."
• PG-13
xxxxxx Strikes: 0.5
So I'm a fan of graphic content, I'm not talking about sex; I'm talking about violence. In my book, gore is preferred and highly applauded when the situation calls for appropriate measures. I only refer to explicit violence of quality. I also enjoy the occasional drug content and alcoholic connotations: both of which are very appropriate for establishing the gruesome reality of life, even though such actions and abuse is frowned upon in society. It's real life. And I enjoy it, that's why I'm not keen on these ignorance borders that are established in the rules. A minor set back that I can work my way around.
• Auto-Hitting and Power Playing
xxxxxx Strikes: 1.5
This is something that should not be present in a role play. If anything, it is highly frowned upon in all role playing societies. Mind you, those that are so uncreative to such a point where they have to power play and / or auto-hit in the first place- should not be fighting in the first place. If they wanna play dirty, I'll play dirty right back.
• Elemental
xxxxxx Strikes: 2.5
For those of you stupid enough to merely accept the fact that your character can control H2O, a chemical reaction, eroded sedimentary rock, the flow of gases on a large scale and / or the very concept of photosynthesis... is preposterous! I can't stand imbeciles who blatantly assume that they can just control all these things without the slightest notion of how their powers work. The only reason that I would even be there, is to explain how these "abilities" will cause them certain death in the future. That alone isn't likely.
• Gods / Goddesses
xxxxxx Strikes: 2.0
The only reason that I would ever be there would be to disprove their existence in the first place. We have prospered with out their presence in our society, we don't need them stepping into the big picture and screwing everything up like they already have with the very idea of religion. But there are exceptions. For example; if they are in mortal bodies, they can suffer mortal ailments. There is no better way to reach out to them for a warm "Welcome to Earth" greeting than with a sniper rifle.
• Post Decorations
xxxxxx Strikes: 0.5
When posts are decorated with a cleverly placed picture of their character, I don't mind, in fact, I try to look for role plays who endorse such rules. But then all good things come to an end when posts are covered with this "creative" nonsense that takes away from the post itself, or even worse; stretches the page. That bugs me to no end, if you want decor, go for something simple and tasteful rather than something that will give us O.C.D. kids an aneurysm. Don't take pride in that. We WILL come after you.
• Vampires
xxxxxx Strikes: 1.0
I don't know where to begin with this one... First of all, vampires are the living dead. They are basically zombies with a little more brain power to them. Unlike zombies, they are conscious of those around them, they know to feed on blood because that is the only way to circulate blood in their own system and replenish their bodies. Why? Because there is NO beating heart to pump the blood through the body! Of course vampires have a different anatomy than zombies (who basically just decay), because vampires can sustain their form. Now then, I am still slightly vague about vampires on an anatomical level, but I can give you a run down about what vampires should not do based on a simple analysis of their condition. They do NOT give birth, nor do they reproduce. Why? Again, because there are no active reproductive organs in either gender to pull of such a feat as to give birth to another vampire. They don't sparkle in the sunlight, nor do they burn in the sunlight right away. Their skin no longer produces the proper oils to protect itself from ultraviolet rays, its all dead! In theory, it will gradually bake / harden in a way that will damage the vampire. The stronger the light, the worse it will be. The vampire's skin is not invulnerable to bullets much less silver bullets. (The only way they react to silver (Ag) is if they were allergic, and they can't be allergic because that would mean that something in that body of theirs is very much alive.) Of course this depends on what mythology you base said vampires off of. Since silver was known to be a holy metal back in the day, they believed that this was the answer to take down a vampire. They can and do take damage, maybe not as much damage as a normal human since they're dead, but it will affect them in some way. Ok, now to something more benign: coffins. If I were a vampire, I would see sleeping in a coffin as something like a tradition. Of course a bed would be better than such a thing, but think about it for a second. This is your coffin, this is what you were laid to rest in and this is what you crawled out of to take those first few steps of your new life. See what I mean? It's the last link between your past life and your new life, so it would be something to treasure. Not everyone may agree but that's the only reason why I'd ever sleep in one of those things. (Unless it had a life time supply of those "Caramel Delight" Girl Scout cookies.) But I digress from the real problem... Finding love... For all you bacon people out there, I've got an experiment for you; you take a well-seasoned steak; a really juicy, tender, 8 ounce steak; cooked perfectly and everything. Place it on a plate and then on a table right in front of you. Now sit there right in front of it. Smell that juicy aroma, think of the protein, consider the fact that you need this steak in order to live another day. Now, with all that in mind (apologies in advance for any growling stomachs), you tell me that you're just going to sit there, "fall in love" with that piece of meat and let it go to waste. To me, that meat is an orgasm in your mouth just waiting to happen. As for all you losers vegans out there, do the same thing except with a bowl of salad... or something...
• Werewolves
xxxxxx Strikes: 1.0
Personally, I favor werewolves a little more over vampires in a role play simply because these guys have a set hierarchy which is modeled after the canine pack system for wolves. There are the alphas and the betas, etc... point is they aren't nearly as screwed up as vampires are... and I'm a vampire fan. Now what annoys me about these guys is the competition to see who has the most magnificent wolf form. I have seen some pretty stupid looking wolves out there, but I saw one that really took the cake. I mean- once, I saw a pink one with a rainbow tail the size of Australia, the longest eyelashes I've every seen (you could make a six-inch braid with those things), a halo, and freaking WINGS!!! It was like the poor beast was just raped by the gayest Care Bear in the spectrum, got some kind of super happy fun-shine strand of herpes and died in a skittles factory. While this fagot was running around as the alpha's mate, the rest of the pack was off on their own having strange love affairs and dramatic sequences that showed absolutely no effort to abide by the canine's philosophy (meaning that it is their natural instinct to travel in packs). On top of that the whole change sequence also starts bugging me at some points. The mythology says that they change by the light of the full moon. Being a person of tradition, I'm just not too cool with these creatures being able to change form as fast as a n00b can spam random buttons in a classic arcade game.
• Zombies
xxxxxx Strikes: 1.5
I've seen way too many zombie role plays recently. As a result, I'm just not okay with zombie apocalypses anymore. I suppose they are "fun" if you're into that kind of thing. Alas, most role plays have the Chance System which means that your character's fate is determined by the role of the dice. I dunno, my characters are like my own treasures with minds of their own, I don't like putting them in dangerous situations. Heck, maybe that's just the female in me talking. But what I have recently discovered, much to my own disgust, is the unnecessary amount of people even existing in a role play like this, keeping level headed with no psychological progression of their "fight or flight" mindset. And seriously, since when does a 17 year old girl own a military grade submachine gun? Also, do you folks have any idea how much recoil a freaking shotgun has? There is no way a teenage girl can lift, pump the bolt action, and then fire it without smashing her own face in with the weapon. Then they go boarding up all the doors and windows of the nearest house like a bunch of extreme home makeover retards... thus making it into a MANSION ROLE PLAY! Because you know they're gonna go make the insides and the furniture all pwetty and thuper fabulous~
• War Zones
xxxxxx Strikes: 1.0
Now here is an interesting one, I enjoy the idea of civil disobedience along with a glass of wine and a game of chess. In this situation, there is a game of cat and mouse afoot between myself and my prey, but that is if I am able to choose a side. It gets even better if everyone gets into it and starts to play out the story in pure synchronicity. But here's where the idea of it being a strike comes in. As the saying goes "War is hell." and some role play hosts don't think so. As a result of this philosophy, they will create weak excuses for these fights and it will end in one side becoming more active than the other (which results in a "Mansion/Castle Role Play" wink or nothing will be done on either end (which results in role player isolation and then to the death of the role play). Not only that, but the leaders suck most of the time, my late-goldfish could do a better job at leading a battalion than most of these guys. Also, making complicated story lines for rivalries like these will do no good in the long run, because I get lazy; trust me, I'm not the only one; I have no interest in reading up about who slept with who to cause this dispute. If anyone does find a good role play that follows my rules alert me of its presence!
• Plot
xxxxxx Strikes: 2.0
This is some pretty big deal stuff here. Basically, if the plot sucks, then I don't join. But, there are some exceptions that leave little plots and stories that have a lot of potential to them. They usually start out young in the first few pages and have decent characters with maybe one or two nimrods in them. That's where I descend from the heavens with my little parasol, enter my character and can convert the entire thing with the subliminal actions of the "monkey see, monkey do" technique to enlighten the other players about some of the happier aspects of story telling that don't involve villages being slaughtered or kids being raped and having their memory wiped like a windows hard drive. But really, I remember this one role play, I'll never forget it: it was a fairy role play (I must have been drunk off my a** at this point) but I said to myself "What the hey?" and I made a profile. Not but two posts later, and I finally make my lovely little non-attention-whorish entrance post. That I catch the thread maker talking playfully with another fairy (she was a fairy too) and she quite literally said Quote: "Cool!" she said in her sing-song voice. "Soooo... What do you wanna do?"[Unquote] My jaw nearly broke when it hit the floor. I mean, wow. Seriously. WOW. Its like her brain went "Jeez... Um, this is embarrassing. I just ... didn't think I'd get this far." That's why good plots really, really, really make a difference here. Unfortunately, these ideas have been abused and ignored by idiots wielding flat and static characters who turn it into some fancy-shmancy background to an in-character chat room . There are reasons why it's called a PLOT not a SETTING.
• Angels and Demons
xxxxxx Strikes: 1.5
It became a sad, sad day when this genre made it on to my list. But it only goes to show that there is nothing pure in this world. On to the verbal maiming. So recently I've noticed a trend that has greatly irked me. All angel and demon role plays take place in a city. Or, if the thread maker wants to be a giant inflatable d**k, and make it take place in a castle / mansion. Then comes the pretty picture contests to see who has the most beautiful looking slut or impressive pair of wings or even who has the lowest crotch as the pictures imply that the model was right in the middle of pulling their pants down to flaunt their junk. After which come the stereotypical attitudes and stories: the angels are all fallen or act like love sick teenagers and the demons are all emo or all bark and no bite. This is then followed by the hoards of peace-keeping, hippie, douche-bags who are always all about rebelling against the man plot and keeping peace with the races despite the fact that the angel and the demons aren't supposed to like each other. Also, for the sake of safety, you DO NOT want to bring the bible into these role plays for many reasons. It is extremely offensive if you get your facts wrong or start making assumptions that really bring friction to the phrase "going against the grain" and it also drags in a whole new world of technicality that I nor any other sane individual would want to deal with. There's also the fact that Christians themselves can't all agree on a set mythology so the biblical creatures are creating much more trouble than they are really worth. If you can make it work, more power to you, but I really don't advise it. What winds up happening is a christian or an atheist or a scientologist or some one from a very religious background finds the role play and starts parading their "wisdom" by cramming their over-glorified balls books down everyone's throat.
• Offspring
xxxxxx Strikes: 1.0
I love kids. They're so innocent and cute! ...But I remember seeing this ugly, obese one once in a carriage and it made me want to grab it from the lady and punt it off a cliff. The sad truth of reality is that not all kids are cute and wonderful. They can be bigger jackasses than the average ex-boyfriend. Sometimes parents who undergo a lot of stress have miscarriages and even produce children who turn out to be special needs or have some kind of rare genetic disease. Nobody understands that twins are uncommon. They are even more uncommon than a beautiful, healthy baby... like me, obviously. And while I'm ranting on about this miserable little topic, let me get something straight here, there is nothing more powerful than a mother's love for her child. The length of time for which that love lasts is still debatable, but that's not my point. There's a huge problem with children being produced from sex-hungry characters and it's not the fact that they are always perfectly healthy and always insanely fast learners and always child geniuses and always happy. For the sake of an example, let's say an angel and a demon mate: suddenly, the child is all powerful and has black and white all over their bodies and hair and can fly with two colored wings and has heterochromia! Sure, it's fantasy and up to the imagination. Heck, I have fantasies too! Ones that usually include Gregor Mendel (the father of genetics) descending from the heavens and impaling the retarded offspring with this giant, pointy, pea plant cross-breeding tool.
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 Graceful Silhouette · Wed May 18, 2011 @ 06:20am · 2 Comments |
