NOTE:
The following content is not for:
-Anyone who is of the faint-hearted.
-Anyone who is easily offended.
-Anyone under 15.
[I will not be held responsible for corrupting any curious tweens and I will not be held responsible for any personal insult that may be caused or acquired from reading and/or viewing this list. Any and all content is not directed at any specific individual. The following information is subject to change, updates and justification.]
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Listen kids, I've seen a lot of s**t role plays in my days, and this ol' veteran has a few things to say about them. I'm so sick of role plays violating my personal rules, and I have so many rules and a system for which they apply to: that instead of nagging to my poor victim Bipolar Tangerine (I'm sorry that you had to hear me rant dear), I'm going to make a list of rules that I can print up and use as a guide to separate the failures from 5-Star quality.
First of all I have a policy since I am somewhat merciful and ready to curve my grading system accordingly, to the flawed human society.
•Three Strikes•
I WILL NOT JOIN A ROLE PLAY IF IT VIOLATES MY THREE-STRIKE RULE.
Note:
Some aspects may count for all or some of the three strikes depending on my opinion of the severity of the matter. Other favorable aspects can compensate for strikes.
The following try my patience...
• Romance
Love is so intimate, so passionate, so.... cliché. Until I can see the act performed correctly, as it should be, rather than a teenage love affair, then you'll continue to see this specific section get bigger and bigger. Its a sad excuse for spam when the characters just suddenly decide to get together and call it destiny. The women accept the men based on pictures and personality, while this is partially true in real life, there really is more to it. But in the end the men will want sex and the women will want a mate. Guess what comes next? They will start bedding each other regardless of the fact that they don't have condoms, are not of the same species or even have similar philosophies when it comes to paying taxes and agreeing on a specific style of interior design. Then there's the STDs! Don't even get me started... They even want to get pregnant! Now here's the best part, they spend several posts worrying about the baby, telling each other how much they love the other. They will do nothing but foretell of a story about two happy people with happy lives, having a happy obedient baby.... I laughed so hard and was so sickened by their ignorance. ANY mother can tell you that pregnancy is the worst experience of her feminine life. First you've got morning sickness, mood swings, cravings in the middle of the night, emotional and physical hypersensitivity, then the baby is kicking and growing; and then when the time comes, the most excruciating pain you will ever imagine. It's horrible! Anyways, people pairing up, and time skipping every other week doing all this lovey-dovie crap whilst isolating themselves from the crowd is very annoying to the rest of us who have this dying hope that they will eventually stop role playing in that specific forum. We the annoyed have a message for you a**-hats... chart a jet to the nearest desert isle... (and for those of us in high hopes) that jet will crash and burn.
• Mansions
Ok who in their right mind mooches from rich millionaires and pseudo rich millionaires?! Seriously, if they wanted their mansion full of hobos and rogues covered in filth, full of mystery and probably infected with countless bacteria, they would give their estate to an orphanage. But no... They allow these complete strangers to walk right in. Keep the Mile-High club where it should be, leave the Playboy Mansion ALONE. And think before you do something stupid such as: assuming an abandoned castle has plumbing much less sanitary rooms, believe people who invite you into their castle are perfectly sane, or think that there is no eventual sex scandal that will eventually surface from all the man / woman / whore tension.
• Slave and Master
Losers and sickos, get a GOD DAMN life! You want to indulge in sick fantasies, then go get laid. I can understand certain fantasies, but seriously- it always ends with something ridiculously stupid. The role players start pairing up, the master is then damned to fall for their slave, the slaves are usually emo (because of their depressing history), the masters are always timid pussies in the first place, and these people are expected to find "love" somehow in this scenario. There should be some sick urban action if you're dealing with something like this. Look it up on the internet (for those innocent young minds who should not be on Gaia, I advise against it.) Slaves are nothing but human sex toys that are mercilessly exploited on the net for men to jack-off to. In the event that I feel absolutely relentless and evil, yeah, I'll join one of those role plays just so I can rattle a few cages and play the rouge demon (metaphorical) everyone wants dead. The black market shows no mercy and neither should the dealers.
• Academies
Harry Potter was a good story, but believing that role players will be willing to run from class to class to learn pointless truths and obey the mods is failure waiting to happen, I suppose this could work if a few people actually made several characters each, but everyone is too stupid and unorganized. So why even bother with the trouble of making the role play in the first place. I know! Its basically a mansion role play in disguise. You people waste my time.
• Cheap Knock-Offs of Twilight
The day I'm reduced to this kind of inexcusable crap, is the day I'll have given up sick kicks for messing with people mentally. I will not (under any circumstances) join this role play. In which case, I've got a hand full of words for all you Twilight-obsessed freaks: GO. ********. A. CACTUS.
• Emo People
Ok... lemme think, you hate your life so you have the need to gain the pity party by having a terrible history; we call these people attention whores. Or, for others with a similar mental condition, they completely exaggerate a character biography to match their own life and play it out as they would want to. Listen, some of us actually have terrible lives who don't even need to exaggerate in the least to talk about true horror in their life. There are some of us among the crowd who would kill for two or even one--just one loving parent to be raised by. Quite frankly all of you posers insult them, because you don't know how to play the part. You don't know how to correctly establish a character of such caliber in the first place. I don't care if your life sucks, nobody has a perfect life. Those of us who know that also know that there are better things to do than isolate ourselves for the sole purpose of attention. As creative as the premise and layout may appear, if the characters bug me, we've got a problem. It has been proven that I kill role plays. I am not even kidding. No... I'm serious, this has happened 10 times, I'll post once in a role play that I am totally fine with and it will just cease activity altogether. It tragic really. To distinguish me from any other person, is the same as identifying a colorless, tasteless, odorless poison that dissolves instantaneously in water. Sound familiar? I am this poison known only to the role play world; I will kill your role play if I don't like the people in the role play. But if your role play passes the Instant-Death posts of mine, then I my presence will only last as long as my tolerance for these people and based on the size of this rant I will let you be the judge of that.
• Whores on Patrol
Ladies and genitalia, I know you seek love, you seek a false reality that you can escape from because your life is miserable. And so you pride yourself by describing your feature down to the very picket sign lodged into your character's vaginal area with a very blunt 'INSERT HERE.' I will not stand for you, and if the role play has yet to flunk my three-strike test, so help me god, I will run you outta town faster than you can say "f*ck me."
• Nekos
The second I see any of you freaks in a role play, I immediately give my self two options: 1.) Keep searching for something better. 2.) Hunt the immature rodent and skin the damn thing. (Use as fashion accessory for later.)
• Inactivity
This has been the sob story of my life. I will find a great role play with an amazing plot. I will think "THERE REALLY IS A GOD!!!" I will proceed to look at the last and second to last time anyone has ever posted and it will most likely date last week and today. From which I immediately shame myself for ever believing in miracles and continue my grim search with a bitter heart.
• Racism
There is nothing more frustrating than seeing a perfectly good role play limit what your character can and can't be. I don't want to be a centaur or a stupid griffin! What if I wanted to be.... BATMAN! Wait-- I've got a better example: humans and vampires / zombies. I have never seen so many of these in my life, and I have never felt such a stronger hatred for the a*****e who decided that vampires should suddenly dominate the role play society. What's worse, some of them decided to establish what vampires are and what they can and can't do. And lemme tell you, those people are the biggest dumb asses. "Vampires are hurt by silver and can turn into an animal of their choice." There are so many things wrong with that statement I don't know where to begin. Aside from that (if one must limit the races) I prefer categories that won't play to appease the band wagons. What can I say, I like variation. Humans, I can deal with to some extent, others... not so much. For humans it depends, reality based role plays... I'm 50/50 depending on the style in which the role play is fashioned. If its pure humanity in an out of society setting...? I'm all for it. Alas, I have yet to see one.
• Unequal Gender Participation
All men I can sort-of handle, but you rarely ever find that. Where there is a man, there is an army of women trying to seduce the poor b*****d. Yet where there is a woman, there is an army of lesbians to try to convert the poor b***h if she already hasn't been raped by some man whore / woman thing and scarred for life. All girls and no men to toy with will begin to screw with a person's sexuality. Which leads me to my next topic.
• Yaoi / Yuri
I will only join such a role play if I really wanna mentally screw with the gay pride society, no I don't mean make fun of them. Listen, I don't mind them getting together and getting married so long as they don't drag my sorry a** into the middle of things. I'm straight. Deal with it. And the "Kawaii~ I <3 Yaoi!" gets old... its gets really old, really fast. Just imagine, the reality of Yaoi in America: two single men, who have no girlfriend, are over weight, drink beer and watch football without showering everyday start having a passionate love affair in bed. Yeah... I don't think its cute. Welcome to life. Heck, this also ties in with the fact that I hate romance. Don't get me wrong, I'm in a stable relationship and I'm happily in love, but when love (the love required for a stable long-lasting relationship) is replaced by an undying passion like the burning of a thousand suns. I start voicing my complaints.
• Literacy vs Illiteracy
Some role plays are literate (I respect these.) Other role plays are semiliterate. (I wince at these.) Some are a bit of both. Now let me get some thing straight. I am a Grammar Nazi. Yes, I make mistakes too, but I fix them. Let us first consult the Oxford dictionary to further enlighten us about these meanings. Semiliterate: unable to read or write with ease or fluency; poorly educated; something that is poorly written. Literacy: ability to read and write; competence or knowledge in a specified area. Alright now that we have that out of the way, lets take a moment and reflect on the fact that anyone with a good education is literate. Its impossible to honestly believe that everyone is seriously that stupid. Then again ... when I see the lack of apostrophes, the lack of space after a period, no capitalization at the beginning of a sentence, typing "your" instead of "you're" and even misspelling words... Its not that hard to imagine any more. But there's also the others who are so high with literacy, that they create the "Great Wall of Text." Nobody in their right mind will be willing to read something like that. Seriously, just because you are literate, doesn't mean that you're intelligent or creative. And for those of you who can't type for crap but have a wide imagination; take English lessons and then come talk to me. When in doubt, keep in mind, "quality over quantity."
• PG-13
So I'm a fan of graphic content, I'm not talking about sex; I'm talking about violence. In my book, gore is preferred and highly applauded. I only refer to explicit violence of quality. I also enjoy the occasional drug content and alcoholic connotations. both of which are very appropriate for real life even though such actions and abuse is frowned upon in society. It's real life. And I enjoy it, that's why I'm not keen on these ignorance borders that are established in the rules. A minor set back that I can work my way around.
• Auto-Hitting and Power Playing
This is something that should not be present in a role play. If anything, it is highly frowned upon in all role playing societies. Mind you, those that are so uncreative to such a point where they have to power play and / or auto-hit in the first place- should not be fighting in the first place. If they wanna play dirty, I'll play dirty right back.
• Elemental
For those of you stupid enough to merely accept the fact that your character can control H2O, a chemical reaction, eroded sedimentary rock, the Coriolis Effect and / or the very concept of photosynthesis: is preposterous. I can't stand imbeciles who blatantly assume that they can just control all these things without the slightest notion of how their powers work. The only reason that I would even be there, is to explain how these "abilities" will cause them certain death in the future. That alone isn't likely.
• Gods / Goddesses
The only reason that I would ever be there would be to disprove their existence in the first place. We have prospered with out their presence in our society, we don't need them stepping into the big picture and screwing everything up like they already have with the very idea of religion. But there are exceptions. For example; if they are in mortal bodies, they can suffer mortal ailments. There is no better way to reach out to them for a warm "Welcome to Earth" greeting than with a sniper rifle.
• Post Decorations
When posts are decorated with a cleverly placed picture of their character, I don't mind, in fact, I try to look for role plays who endorse such rules. But then all good things come to an end when posts are covered with this "creative" nonsense that takes away from the post itself, or even worse; stretches the page. That bugs me to no end, if you want decor, go for something simple and tasteful rather than something that will give us O.C.D. kids an aneurysm. Don't take pride in that. We WILL come after you.
• Vampires
I don't know where to begin with this one... First of all, vampires are the living dead. They are basically zombies with a little more brain power to them. Unlike zombies, they are conscious of those around them, they know to feed on blood because that is the only way to circulate blood in their own system and replenish their bodies. Why? Because there is NO beating heart to pump the blood through the body! Of course vampires have a different anatomy than zombies (who basically just decay), because vampires can sustain their form. Now then, I am still slightly vague about vampires on an anatomical level, but I can give you a run down about what vampires should not do based on a simple analysis of their condition. They do NOT give birth, nor do they reproduce. Why? Again, because there are no active reproductive organs in either gender to pull of such a feat as to give birth to another vampire. They don't sparkle in the sunlight, nor do they burn in the sunlight right away. Their skin no longer produces the proper oils to protect itself from ultraviolet rays, its all dead! In theory, it will gradually bake / harden in a way that will damage the vampire. The stronger the light, the worse it will be. The vampire's skin is not invulnerable to bullets much less silver bullets. (The only way they react to silver (Ag) is if they were allergic, and they can't be allergic because that would mean that something in that body of theirs is very much alive.) Of course this depends on what mythology you base said vampires off of. Since silver was known to be a holy metal back in the day, they believed that this was the answer to take down a vampire. They can and do take damage, maybe not as much damage as a normal human since they're dead, but it will affect them in some way. Ok, now to something more benign: coffins. If I were a vampire, I would see sleeping in a coffin as something like a tradition. Of course a bed would be better than such a thing, but think about it for a second. This is your coffin, this is what you were laid to rest in and this is what you crawled out of to take those first few steps of your new life. See what I mean? It's the last link between your past life and your new life, so it would be something to treasure. Not everyone may agree but that's the only reason why I'd ever sleep in one of those things. (Unless it had a life time supply of those "Caramel Delight" Girl Scout cookies.) But I digress from the real problem... Finding love... For all you bacon people out there, I've got an experiment for you; you take a well-seasoned steak; a really juicy, tender, 8 ounce steak; cooked perfectly and everything. Place it on a plate and then on a table right in front of you. Now sit there right in front of it. Smell that juicy aroma, think of the protein, consider the fact that you need this steak in order to live another day. Now, with all that in mind (apologies in advance for any growling stomachs), you tell me that you're just going to sit there, "fall in love" with that piece of meat and let it go to waste. To me, that meat is an orgasm in your mouth just waiting to happen. As for all you losers vegans out there, do the same thing except with a bowl of salad... or something...
• Werewolves
Personally, I favor werewolves a little more over vampires in a role play simply because these guys have a set hierarchy which is modeled after the canine pack system for wolves. There are the alphas and the betas, etc... point is they aren't nearly as screwed up as vampires are... and I'm a vampire fan. Now what annoys me about these guys is the competition to see who has the most magnificent wolf form. I have seen some pretty stupid looking wolves out there, but I saw one that really took the cake. I mean- once, I saw a pink one with a rainbow tail the size of Austrailia, the longest eyelashes I've every seen (you could make a six-inch braid with those things), a halo, and freaking WINGS!!! It was like the poor beast was just raped by the gayest Care Bear in the spectrum, got some kind of super happy fun-shine strand of herpes and died in a skittles factory. While this fagot was running around as the alpha's mate, the rest of the pack was off on their own having strange love affairs and dramatic sequences that showed absolutely no effort to abide by the canine's philosophy (meaning that it is their natural instinct to travel in packs). On top of that the whole change sequence also starts bugging me at some points. The mythology says that they change by the light of the full moon. Being a person of tradition, I'm just not too cool with these creatures being able to change form as fast as a n00b can spam random buttons in a classic arcade game.
• Zombies
I've seen way too many zombie role plays recently. As a result, I'm just not okay with zombie apocalypses anymore. I suppose they are "fun" if you're into that kind of thing. Alas, most role plays have the Chance System which means that your character's fate is determined by the role of the dice. I dunno, my characters are like my own treasures with minds of their own, I don't like putting them in dangerous situations. Heck, maybe that's just the female in me talking. Whatever.
• War Zones
Now here is an interesting one, I enjoy the idea of civil disobedience along with a glass of wine and a game of chess. In this situation, there is a game of cat and mouse afoot between myself and my prey, but that is if I am able to choose a side. It gets even better if everyone gets into it and starts to play out the story in pure synchronicity. But here's where the idea of it being a strike comes in. As the saying goes "War is hell." and some role play hosts don't think so. As a result of this philosophy, they will create weak excuses for these fights and it will end in one side becoming more active than the other (which results in a "Mansion/Castle Role Play" wink or nothing will be done on either end (which results in role player isolation and then to the death of the role play). Not only that, but the leaders suck most of the time, my late-goldfish could do a better job at leading a battalion than most of these guys. Also, making complicated story lines for rivalries like these will do no good in the long run, because I get lazy; trust me, I'm not the only one; I have no interest in reading up about who slept with who to cause this dispute. If anyone does find a good role play that follows my rules alert me of its presence!
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 Graceful Silhouette · Mon Sep 07, 2009 @ 05:31am · 1 Comments |
