New Years day. The mark of some sort of new begining typically. That begining for me is at the start of a broken heart. I was a complete and utterly big idiot a couple days ago telling him how I felt. I really was. Why? Because, he blushed, then kissed me, and then I broke when he asked to be just fwb for three days so he could figure things out. Last night was the end of those 3 nights, starting at the stroke of midnight the start of the new year. That was when I became shattered even more.
I guess I should be happy that he didn't choose anyone, and decided to work out his own lifes problems, but Im not happy. Not one bit. Yes he chose nobody, but, it hurts. I guss I was hoping he would have choesn me. I really was and I was extremely hurt when he didn't. Who the ******** kisses someone and then breaks their heart?! He does apparently.
I asked for 17 days to not speak with hi. To give me until my 18th birthday to try and heal. Will I be fully healed by then? Probably not. 17 days probably wont close up a years worth of emotions or the fact that I tried to make up for what I did and he then kissed me. 17 days will not heal a broken heart, but I guess its a start.
One of my friends is trying to cheer me up. Trying to say that everything is going to be okay, trying to get me to smile, but it probably wont happen. Right now smiling and being happy seems too far out of reach. If I ever smile, 9 times out of 10 itll be just a show for others. I probably wont be truely happy for a while. I probably wont.
I'm probably done with guys for now. For a while at least. I don't want to let anybody get as close to me as he did. I don't want to get hurt anymore by anyone so close to me. I just don't. I'm going to have to relearn a bunch of stuff. I'm going to have to learn to be more dependant on myself, not to let anyone get close to me, probably trust guys again, and etc.
Like one of my friends says. Love is like a roller coaster. You're either afraid to get on, or you're afraid to get off. From now on, I am definently afraid to get on.
 Shortstopkate · Sat Jan 01, 2011 @ 04:08pm · 0 Comments |
