♫♫
I've been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate, a poet...
The enigmatic presence in my mind just makes me wonder what my subconscious thinks about.
Recently, I have been having... strange dreams. Strange is the best way I can put it, although it's not strange at all. It's all so normal in the dream, and the content isn't what is strange at all. It's the context of these dreams, and the whole reason of why I am having them now that perplexes me beyond a reasonable doubt.
To begin, it was months yore, when Anti and I were still together, when I first had one of these cryptic dreams. What caused it, I haven't a clue. I haven't had any contact with her in years, and it's not like there was a sudden overhaul of thought, but I dreamt I was with my first girlfriend again. The particulars of the dream, I'm not sure, but we were happy together again. I mean, I'm mostly conscious during a dream, especially when something so unordinary happens, that I instantly realized it was a dream. But why I was dreaming of Sara, I'm not sure. And it wasn't just friendship in the dream. We were together, and I knew by the kiss.
Afterwards, I let it go for months. I mean, after I woke up, I instantly knew I had to figure out what had happened, but the urgency was very little. It's not too often that when I dream, they are cryptic and very unstable. But this stuck out, because it wasn't a normal dream.
I had kissed her and felt it, almost as if my body was hypersensitive. There was a warmth in the lips, and the feeling of a palm on my cheek that I'll never forget. I felt it in my dream.
Following in the months, things became rocky between Anti and I. It was hurtful, to say the least, especially when I spent good money to see her, and she didn't have the time. But I have to leave her to her own decisions. I highly doubt if she continues this course of action, we can ever be anything remotely like friends. But that's a story for another time. For now, I'd like to return to the dreamscape that I've been experiencing.
This time, we come to this past week. What was the catalyst this time is almost as unknown as the first trigger. But something had caused it, and I'm determined this time to know why my mind is exploring this torture.
Melinda and I were parents above all else in the end. We wanted something for the children we never would have. A daughter and a son, at the least, and they were all we ever would have to each other. However, after we lost the baby, it hurt me too much to bear. As much as she doesn't want to admit it, and even if it wasn't true, I failed as a father that day. I'll never forgive myself, and I have no reason to, either. Either I failed because there was no child, or a I failed because we lost our child. Whatever the case, there will always be that loss in my mind.
But back to the dreams. At first, I didn't understand what was happening again. The first night, Melinda and I were just lovers again, in the way I wanted to be now. It was just the cuddling and emotions that made me feel human, not the ******** I had for so many months. It was everything that I wanted with Anti, and that's when I knew there was a problem with my mind. Melinda and I never had this, and I knew that I would never forfeit a memory for a loss. But why was I interspersing my feelings for my love now into a love lost to idiotic actions? I woke and just had to tell Melinda the dream.
At the time, it was just weird for us both. But then... the next night caused me to question my mind's motives. We were in a hospital. She was pregnant. It was mine. It was everything we had lost. And it was all just a dream I knew I was never supposed to have. The night after, I watched my son grow. What caused it, I have no idea. But I watched the son I'd never have grow before my own Goddamned eyes. Brandon... I called him Brandon for some reason. Maybe it was the red hair that made me choose that. But it still didn't make any sense at the time.
I had to tell Melinda, but I haven't explained it to her yet. She knows what happened in the second dream, but not about me watching him grow. It's all too strange for me to try and understand. Then, I decided to watch Inception.
Inception.
The ******** of the century. I knew it was about dreams. I knew everything about that. But the problem? It made me start to analyze my own dreams. To try and find the logical fallacies behind them. All of this, and why it was happening. Why I would suddenly be dreaming about the son I lost, the wife I'd never have, the people I had lost.
And then, at that moment, I knew. I knew I'd dream of Winnie one day if I didn't fix things. But first, I have to talk to me. The subconscious me that never wants to talk. Or change. Or do anything other than be a completely barbaric and intellectual id. The id that has controlled me for four years. The id that ruined my life. The id that made me this way. The id I gave a name because he isn't me, he's another person. The id named James Walker.
I need to talk to him, or else I will kill myself soon.
Recently, I have been having... strange dreams. Strange is the best way I can put it, although it's not strange at all. It's all so normal in the dream, and the content isn't what is strange at all. It's the context of these dreams, and the whole reason of why I am having them now that perplexes me beyond a reasonable doubt.
To begin, it was months yore, when Anti and I were still together, when I first had one of these cryptic dreams. What caused it, I haven't a clue. I haven't had any contact with her in years, and it's not like there was a sudden overhaul of thought, but I dreamt I was with my first girlfriend again. The particulars of the dream, I'm not sure, but we were happy together again. I mean, I'm mostly conscious during a dream, especially when something so unordinary happens, that I instantly realized it was a dream. But why I was dreaming of Sara, I'm not sure. And it wasn't just friendship in the dream. We were together, and I knew by the kiss.
Afterwards, I let it go for months. I mean, after I woke up, I instantly knew I had to figure out what had happened, but the urgency was very little. It's not too often that when I dream, they are cryptic and very unstable. But this stuck out, because it wasn't a normal dream.
I had kissed her and felt it, almost as if my body was hypersensitive. There was a warmth in the lips, and the feeling of a palm on my cheek that I'll never forget. I felt it in my dream.
Following in the months, things became rocky between Anti and I. It was hurtful, to say the least, especially when I spent good money to see her, and she didn't have the time. But I have to leave her to her own decisions. I highly doubt if she continues this course of action, we can ever be anything remotely like friends. But that's a story for another time. For now, I'd like to return to the dreamscape that I've been experiencing.
This time, we come to this past week. What was the catalyst this time is almost as unknown as the first trigger. But something had caused it, and I'm determined this time to know why my mind is exploring this torture.
Melinda and I were parents above all else in the end. We wanted something for the children we never would have. A daughter and a son, at the least, and they were all we ever would have to each other. However, after we lost the baby, it hurt me too much to bear. As much as she doesn't want to admit it, and even if it wasn't true, I failed as a father that day. I'll never forgive myself, and I have no reason to, either. Either I failed because there was no child, or a I failed because we lost our child. Whatever the case, there will always be that loss in my mind.
But back to the dreams. At first, I didn't understand what was happening again. The first night, Melinda and I were just lovers again, in the way I wanted to be now. It was just the cuddling and emotions that made me feel human, not the ******** I had for so many months. It was everything that I wanted with Anti, and that's when I knew there was a problem with my mind. Melinda and I never had this, and I knew that I would never forfeit a memory for a loss. But why was I interspersing my feelings for my love now into a love lost to idiotic actions? I woke and just had to tell Melinda the dream.
At the time, it was just weird for us both. But then... the next night caused me to question my mind's motives. We were in a hospital. She was pregnant. It was mine. It was everything we had lost. And it was all just a dream I knew I was never supposed to have. The night after, I watched my son grow. What caused it, I have no idea. But I watched the son I'd never have grow before my own Goddamned eyes. Brandon... I called him Brandon for some reason. Maybe it was the red hair that made me choose that. But it still didn't make any sense at the time.
I had to tell Melinda, but I haven't explained it to her yet. She knows what happened in the second dream, but not about me watching him grow. It's all too strange for me to try and understand. Then, I decided to watch Inception.
Inception.
The ******** of the century. I knew it was about dreams. I knew everything about that. But the problem? It made me start to analyze my own dreams. To try and find the logical fallacies behind them. All of this, and why it was happening. Why I would suddenly be dreaming about the son I lost, the wife I'd never have, the people I had lost.
And then, at that moment, I knew. I knew I'd dream of Winnie one day if I didn't fix things. But first, I have to talk to me. The subconscious me that never wants to talk. Or change. Or do anything other than be a completely barbaric and intellectual id. The id that has controlled me for four years. The id that ruined my life. The id that made me this way. The id I gave a name because he isn't me, he's another person. The id named James Walker.
I need to talk to him, or else I will kill myself soon.
... a pawn and a king.
♫♫
