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I've been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate, a poet...
So, I'm at my crossroads. I can either fight this, probably ruin some friendships, and things might work out for us. Or... or I could just let it go. Float on. Let the two of them be happy. Fall into depression again. Go back to contemplating suicide. Add another emotional scar to my heart, the scars people never see in a person. Ruin my life, happiness, hope, and future well-being for another person.
And I'm choosing the latter.
I've always said I'd go through a million years of pain to make another person happy. I never thought I'd ever have to go through emotional pain. Nobody ever thinks anymore, so I always thought a knife wound or a bullet would be the pain I'd experience. Instead, I'm going to have to live with the thought that I gave up. I quit, and I lost the second person I've ever truly loved like her. I didn't fight it, even if it meant the slim chance of being happy.
I always promised her she had free-will. I always told her to leave if she didn't want me. I always said so many things that I regret in the end. Just thinking about how stupid I was to say things like that, when I knew I couldn't live afterwards, is enough to make me want to put a bullet in my head. And I'd do it, too, if I didn't care so much about her. And my mother, too. I just... I wish people wouldn't say things if they don't mean it. And it's not like she only ever said, "I love you," once. And it's not like I was the one who always said it first. If she didn't, then why did she say that? Why would she lie to me? To justify something? I don't know if I'll ever ask her, because she doesn't want things to get awkward. I never wanted things to be anything but happy.
Either way, I love her, and I don't think she loves me anymore, if she ever even did. And if you're reading this, I'm not second-guessing her. I never want to believe for a second that she stopped loving me. I never want to forget the happiness I had. She's the person I never wanted to let go of. Never gave up on. I wanted to be there through thick and thin. Now, I'm just another guy to her, I guess. The guy who was prepared to give up everything and hold up the world for her. All because she was nice to him, and she was the sweetest person he had ever met, and he was prepared to take the chance of letting the heart he had locked up for four years out, even if it meant being hurt again.
I lost everything with her, and there isn't another person alive who has ever made me feel this way.
I love you Winnie.
And I'm choosing the latter.
I've always said I'd go through a million years of pain to make another person happy. I never thought I'd ever have to go through emotional pain. Nobody ever thinks anymore, so I always thought a knife wound or a bullet would be the pain I'd experience. Instead, I'm going to have to live with the thought that I gave up. I quit, and I lost the second person I've ever truly loved like her. I didn't fight it, even if it meant the slim chance of being happy.
I always promised her she had free-will. I always told her to leave if she didn't want me. I always said so many things that I regret in the end. Just thinking about how stupid I was to say things like that, when I knew I couldn't live afterwards, is enough to make me want to put a bullet in my head. And I'd do it, too, if I didn't care so much about her. And my mother, too. I just... I wish people wouldn't say things if they don't mean it. And it's not like she only ever said, "I love you," once. And it's not like I was the one who always said it first. If she didn't, then why did she say that? Why would she lie to me? To justify something? I don't know if I'll ever ask her, because she doesn't want things to get awkward. I never wanted things to be anything but happy.
Either way, I love her, and I don't think she loves me anymore, if she ever even did. And if you're reading this, I'm not second-guessing her. I never want to believe for a second that she stopped loving me. I never want to forget the happiness I had. She's the person I never wanted to let go of. Never gave up on. I wanted to be there through thick and thin. Now, I'm just another guy to her, I guess. The guy who was prepared to give up everything and hold up the world for her. All because she was nice to him, and she was the sweetest person he had ever met, and he was prepared to take the chance of letting the heart he had locked up for four years out, even if it meant being hurt again.
I lost everything with her, and there isn't another person alive who has ever made me feel this way.
I love you Winnie.
... a pawn and a king.
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