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i truely hate to come down to this, whining about matters that i always think of as trivial, being of such an emotional state that i truely do feel pathetic and as though i am dematuring.

my issue is my inability to cope with inner fears, based on unfulfilled desires of what i admit feel to me like adolescent level goals. in short, my deep-seeded desire to marry and become a father.

i am a Polyamorous person. by my very nature, i cannot stand to be tied down or bond by any expectations of fidelity or monogamy. to place any sort of rule on me frightens me so deeply that i panic and run away. i have broken up with significant others for such seemingly small things as checking the ages of any "side-dishes" i flirt with. i have made it clear that anyone whom i am to be with would have to be comfortable with me being free to sleep around on a whim, and in fact, do anything on a whim. i of course do not mind that they do the same, as long as i can trust them to keep clean of STDs.

however, as i grow older and farther away from my youth (shut up, i know i am only 20! that's still no longer a teen!) and remain no closer to a wife who will support me in all things i do and bear me at least one child, i find myself growing very restless, very frightened, and very tired. am i ever going to fnd what i am looking for? will it be in time, while i am still young? i don'tintend to live past 70, and if i reach 80 i'll off myself for being too old! so i feel i must procreate while i am in my 20s still. yet know i cannot do the single parent thing, i have had practice...

i find myself on the one hand feeling ready to compromise, though it goes against my beliefs of marriage (that it is not about compromise, but rather about perfect singularity and mutual agreement), and become monogamous for the sake of getting the supportive and child-bearing wife that i want. yet i know that this will make me miserable, i can just feel the depression of being caged up like that hitting me even as i imagine living that way, tied down to one woman. i'm not even certain that i could keep that up without cheating, but i know that i would be silent, not eat, barely sleep, hardly any communication with that wife... i fear it would even effect how i behave as a father.

i need help, reconciling my fears, or at least getting insight and advice, hearing the truth of such matters. sad i realy do fear not having it all go exactly how i want it. i want it all on my terms, i want to be able to have children, and someone to support me in everything i do and decide, and to help me raise the kids, and i want to be a father and a better one than either my stepdad who raised me or the loser who made me and then abandoned me (twice now), and i want to be able to live without rules r expectations, to be able to accept an offer of sex without having to worry what my wife will think, to go out and flirt and hook up and swing.

if anyone has anything to share with me, to help me deal with my dilemma, please do. sad i need this advice.