... Sadly these are the feelings that have made their way into me like a sponge to water. The more I think of the losses, the more it hurts to live. To recall what I have proved from my last essay, life is a roller coaster of highs and lows, however extremities have hit me most deeply. The best weekend I have ever had- full of freeness, full of excitement, full of life- has taken a turn of events so sudden that I had taken into consideration of committing. I will narrate the tragedy, but I will only write of my problems. I will not write of any others because I give my respect to them.
The whole story begins like this...
It was a sunny day. The anxiety of school had not crossed my mind at the least bit because it was Saturday, a day of relaxation and a day of recreation. My morning started off chronological. First was self defense classes, then came art, and finally guitar; this is how I enjoy my weekend mornings. After finishing up my 5 hours of guitar practice, I decided it was time to spend some time on Gaia. When I logged on, I luckily came on at a time when my gf was on. I had always loved talking to her; I loved learning more about her life and her learning more about my life, and because of this, I honestly thought that our relationship could have led to being together in reality. However, as the evening continued on, she stopped responding...
When this had happened, I knew that there was something wrong especially since we were talking about something serious. These were the last few words that we shared together...
Whitefire_Fox
bloodycorpse40
I want you to be careful with that, I dont want you to get hurt.
kay.
I'll try
30 minutes had passed since I responded to that quote, and still no answer. During this time, I had been talking to her best friend and we were talking about my gf. Finally I received this message from her...
Gaara_is_my_lover
It seems you have grown an attach ment to her,
its too bad she is quitting gaia.
its too bad she is quitting gaia.
These words rang in my mind countless times, and it had forced me into skepticism. At first I didnt know what to believe. I assumed that she was making the whole thing up, but the pieces fit too smoothly that it was without a doubt true. Ashlee wasn't responding because she was gone. Her friend had her on the phone line and was describing everything that was happening. There was something going on, and I know that Ashlee would never lie to me about all of this, especially since she had told me many times that she missed talking to me; I couldn't help but wait for more info about her because it was too compelling and the feelings I had for her were too strong. The info that came into me left me more stunned everytime, and the worst came with that final note... she was gone...
I will tell you this, there is nothing more painful than losing someone that you really love, one that loves you back yet tough turn of events have forced you to lose this love. I really wish I could have done something to help her out, but the distance between us have tarnished that hope. My feelings at this point were almost suicidal. I thought about what might have happened to her... maybe she was heading to find me? this I knew was false because that would be nearly impossible. maybe she was going to live with her ex boyfriend because they were great friends? However, all of these thoughts disappeared because of the one line that her friend quoted from her on the phone... "God jus kill me now..." The only few questions that stuck to me were this... What if she is gone forever?... if so, should I do the same and follow her to the heavens?...
I really didnt know what to think at this point, and my frustration had hurt many of my friends feelings at this time. Luckily, they were there for me, kept me company during these stressful moments, and helped me calm down. I really thank them for that because I would be looking down at you right now...
Finally, to end such a depressing moment for me, I logged off. I thought hard... Were my chances of ever being with her in real life ever possible anymore? Would she somehow find a way to communicate with me again so that our relationship would continue? Will I ever find a way to move on if she is gone completely? I knew first hand that I would never fall asleep knowing that the chances for the safety of her life and our relationship were very slim. Knowing this, I took my guitar outside with me, layed back on my lawn, gazing up at the dark sky, and began to strum a random metranome...
Old memories of being with her began to embrace my troubled mind...
the first time we shared a laugh...
the first time I found out what made her angry and what made her happy...
our first argument...
our second argument...
our third argument/ fight...
the reconciliation of all these fights which therefore brought us even closer in our relationships....
I know that this may only be an "online" relationship, but I really do believe that the line betweem playing around and truly loving someone lies in the relationship itself. I have had many close relationships in real life and its pretty clear to me that there is no difference between the mediums of communication, they all express our emotions, our thoughts, and our personality.
So as I layed on my lawn, strumming the emotions I had into the guitar, tears were shed amongst the dew on the blades of grass. These tears were not just of the fact that I had lost a distant love, but it was of the fact that my best friend was gone and there was nothing to do of it. It really came to my surprise that the most tears that I have lost was to a girl I have never met in person... could this mean that I truly loved her?
Finally, with soreness in my arms and in my concentration, I passed out...
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