Sometimes it always feels like that no matter what I do, I can never win at anything. I try to fit in, and I just end up standing out worse than before. I try to make friends, and I just end up more alone. I try to do good things, but it always seems like bad things are happening. It makes me wonder what is so different about me. Like was I never meant to fit in with the average people, or the supposed "populars?" Auctually sometimes, it seems like that at some points, I'm meant to stand out, but at other points it like I'm supposed to blend in. Not with big group of people either, but with the walls. It starts with my name..Natalia. It's long and dreary..who wants to be friends with a person who's name is one:hard to pronounce the first time you say it and two: get's confused with Natalie. My own identity has been the hardest thing for me to achieve. I used to like my name..but now it just seems stupid. The second thing, my personality, I don't even know what that is yet apparently is not strong enough to be noticed by people. I just want to stand out from everyone else and feel that supposed sense of belonging that other people get. I want friends to wait for my when I take a whole twenty minutes doing absolutley nothing. That can't go anywhere without wondering where Natalia is and that invite out places, not becuase they feel bad if they don't or because someone told them to, but who auctually enjoy being in my company. Is that too much to ask for when I see people who live that everyday? Am I just not meant to live that lifestyle. High school feels hard and I never felt so opposite in my life. Except in fourth and fifth grade, but now I just feel like a cold sore on someone's face. They want it gone and when it is no one will miss it. No one will ask where Natalia went. It'll be like nothing ever happened. All I can wait for now is my peaking period when I sore to the top. Nothing will ever feel better. In high school, I wanted to be a social butterfly like my mom hoped, but now I feel nothing short of a social dissappointment that auctually is starting not to be able to stand herself...I'm erked.
 Midnight Magdeline · Fri Apr 30, 2010 @ 12:17am · 0 Comments |
