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One of the nice things about this journal, is that nobody actually reads it, therefore I can pretty much write whatever I want and nobody will care or criticize it.

.. I could be writing naughty stories!!

... stare

Well, anyways. It's the last evening of 2005. I never liked New Year's, and this coming year won't be any different. The time after Christmas is just so.. depressing. I leave up my Christmas decorations for as long as I can to remember my favorite holiday. I never want to let go of it.

Thankfully, Christmas comes back every year. It's pretty reliable when it comes to that. People, on the other hand, don't have that kind of reliability. xp

While I was generally lazy this year, especially in the 'accomplishment' field, I had a good year. It was 'different' from other years, in many, many respects, both in positive and negative ways. It's something I reflect upon somewhat confusingly.

Basically when I think about it, I spent the whole year playing around. Something about it feels so selfish. I was very anti-social, and the fact that I have so much fun while BEING anti-social.. perhaps there is something deeply wrong with that. The only people I spent a lot of time with or communicated with frequently were Lukahn and my mom. My other friends.. well.. that is another story, I suppose.

Is it so wrong to be elusive? I isolate myself, and indulge in all of my selfish desires.. I really don't go out of my way to do anything I don't want to do. I feel spoiled and undisciplined because of this.. but at the same time I feel that is only one way of viewing my lifestyle. The way I see it, since I only live once, I take advantage of my situations, and quite plainly, I do whatever it is I feel like doing, when I feel like doing it, and I look upon the rest of the world and their daily complaints and think "I have it made." Although I'm sure there are some who think I am just a spoiled ungrateful brat. Maybe I am? I really don't know. I really don't want to know.. and do you know why? Because above anyone else, it is my friends.. the people closest to me... who can and do feel this way about me. I carry a deep fear and hatred of criticism.. most of all by my friends.. and how else to completely avoid it but to ignore those who deliver the criticisms? I know it is probably a horrible choice on my part. But that is why, this year, I was amazingly elusive to all but a few.

I will remember the most about this year: Disneyland, Sex, Cruise to Bermuda, Disney World at Christmas, World of Warcraft, Mom's Moving, Lacey's UTI (lol.. don't ask), Memoirs of a Geisha, My Complete Year of Artist's Block, Las Vegas.

At my cousin's wedding this year, she never threw the bouquet. I was really hoping to catch it, because of my ridiculous pipe dream of marriage.. well not so much that as having someone really want to spend their life with me. I wish I knew what it was like to have someone feel that devoted towards me. Oh well.

So um.. Happy New Year. I cringe as I say it. Another year gone by and now I've gotta start all over again.