I haven't written anything down about this before today. I love writing, and putting down the feelings I have into words. It's difficult. But I guess I'm ready for it now. I recently just lost my mother, Nancy. We had just celebrated her 39th birthday at new years eve. A little more than two months after, she was gone, ripped out of my world, forever.
My mother gave birth to me at the age of 19, and now at the age 19 she dies. One of the toughest things is that over the years me and my mum got furhter and furhter away from each other. She had a lot of things going wrong for her, and I remember we talked about how she felt that whenever something was going good, something really bad would happen, she had become very negative I felt, and I tried telling her to look at the bright side, I believe in karma, and I knew she didn't deserve all the bad that had come to her, I really expected for her to have her nice period of life, where she would be happy. But she didn't. Instead she just died.
She died the 12th of March just after 6 in the morning. After more than 8 hours on the operation table.
I woke up early on the 11th, cause I heard a weird sound that I couldn't put my finger at. It wasnt something I had ever heard. I got out of bed with a blanket wrapped around me, walked into the living room. She was half lying on the sofa, the sound came from her, it was a kind of gasping sound, her eyes were closed. I just thought she was having a bad dream, so I gently padded her arm, she sleeps very lightly, but she didn't wake up, so I said mum... no reaction, I started shouting mum and I shook her, but there was still no reaction. I called 112 and while I talked with the man, she stoped making the weird sound. She stopped breathing. I know that the brain can go without air for a couple of minutes, I had to act fast, I had to remove a big stone table out of the way so I could get her down on the floor, it didn't take long, but when I had to drag her down to the floor, I couldnt, she was too heavy. Like a big human sized doll that can't move. It's hard for me to explain, but it's not the normal heaviness of a person. I ran out of our apartment and knocked on several doors, but no one answered. I was still on the phone with the emergency man, and after trying the hardest I could I got her down to the floor, and started doing mouth to mouth and keeping her heart going. I felt like ages until the ambulance arrived, I dont know how long I tried keeping my mother alive. Maybe around 10 minutes. The ambulance people took over and I went into the kitchen, I don't think I had cried during the time before they came, there wasn't time for that, the instinct had taken over, the adrenalin was controlling my body. In the kitchen I turned on the water, and the tears started flowing. I could hear the sound of a female machine voice saying something like: Look for a pulse, do not shock. I went slowly into my room and put on some clothes, in the ambulance I remember asking the driver if she was dead, dont know what she answered, but it wasnt a clear answer. Another thing I remember was cursing the people who stop to stare at the ambulance, who found excitement in what was going on. Damn you!
When we arrived at the hospital I didn't leave the ambulance until a nurse came, I felt the adrenalin paralyzing me. We got into a little room where there was a phone, after telling the nurse what had happend, she asked if I wanted help calling people. I said yes, I couldn't do it alone - no one picked up, I felt so so alone. The first person I got hold of, was Rick's mother, she was on work, she said she would be there as soon as she could, and that she would call Rick. I finally got hold of Vibse too, my cousins mother. She told me she would be on her way aswell. She was the first to arrive, then Rick came. Vibse took care of contacting the others. The nurse came to inform us that my mother would go to the surgery room, and we could come see here before. Vibse went with me, she looked a little better my mum, she was still unconscious, but the colour of her lips and face were a little bit better. I remember feeling so fake when I said, "I love you", it felt like something you see people do on tv, I kissed her forehead a couple of times, then we left the room.
We went to another and bigger room, a waiting room, nurses came with warm blankets to wrap around me and they checked up on me a lot, I was in shock. After a lot of hours of waiting I tried forcing down some food, I felt like vomiting all the time. The doctors had told us it was very critical, it was a blood clut from her thigh that had travelled through her heart and into her lung in less than a third of a second. Which meant that she hadn't felt anything, she had just been out like that. The clut was gone, but she wouldnt stop bleeding from the surgery wound because of the strong blood medicine she had gotten when she arrived, the effects of the medicin would first stop after 6 hours, but they tried giving her something which would make the effects stop much sooner. She was on the operation table more than 8 hours. One of the doctors had told us that they didn't know much oxygen she had gotten in an hour and a half, so maybe she would be braindamaged if she woke up, and she would probably have to be on dialysis for the rest of her life, the doctors really did all they could, and at one time, they really got me hoping, I really thought that there was a chance that she would make it, I knew she was a fighter, but at the same time, I knew she would or could ever cope with a brain damage, or having to have people take care of her. I remember watching my mothers big sister, her eyes full of sorrow but still hopefull. They hadn't seen her the way I had when I was alone with her in the living room, keeping her body alive with my hands and my own oxygen, I decided to leave the hospital after around 13 or 14 hours, I knew where this were going. As I left the hospital with Rick and his mum, I said, "I have no mother anymore, and I have no place to live." ...
Rick's mother drove us home to Vibse, she had made pancakes, my favourit dish, but I couldn't eat anything. I just sat there and prepared myself for being alone, for being homeless, motherless. I gave them space to hope, but at the same time I said I knew where it was going, and that it might be tough to hear, but still... Vibse woke me and Rick up the next morning, she had passed. I couldn't feel anything, I was numb, and tears didn't leave my eyes for a very long time.
I love you mum <3
Nathalie
Freaky-Jam Community Member 
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