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525,600 minutes... how do you measure a year? |
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I really needed to get this off my chest.
Read my diary for the full version. Yes, this is actually only the end of it. -_-;
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So, about the choir and what's got me set off:
It's really more like upset and slightly annoyed.
Time for a round of
'It Makes Me Sad To Think'~~
It makes me sad to think that not a year ago-nay, only six months ago in June, myself and the choir were so sad to see each other go, making promises of keeping each other in touch-even the seniors!
After my trip to Europe, I kept up my end: I emailed as many people from the choir as I had emails, and waited.
I got roughly two to three responses: One definitely from Anartis, the other definitely from Claire. Though congenial on their part, and it warmed my heart to no end to see their responses, I was saddened that the othres had not responded, even now so many months later. u_u
*sigh*
Elone has his reasons, I can guess. I guessed he doesn't have a com at home, much less internet, so he's easily forgiven.
Janeene went off to college-can't expect the girl to keep up with an old choir mate a year below her!!
However, those who were in my year the year before and were to be Seniors along side me are suddenly Seniors on their own course.
Have you any idea how weird it is to walk up the hall to go to your next classroom, and see someone you laughed and sang with, only to not see them wave hello, say hi or whatsup, much less their heads even turn in recognition?
I've tried to keep friendly by greeting those I do see, but it seems like when I do I'm completely ignored. It hurts.
It hurts because for ten months out of twelve I KNEW these people. I saw them cry. I saw them laugh and jest- hell, I saw them tease each other a couple times in the name of good humor!
Anartis sits next to me in Econ and she doesn't even say hi to me as I sit down, much less respond when I say hello (every morning.).
I've stopped greeting Steve when I walk to third period, and though Anartis is in fourth period...
Yesterday at the blood drive, I saw Catherine. She was talking to a boy on the quasi-stretcher next to mine, and to the boy on my right. Even though I was smack dab in the middle of these two boys she apparently knew so well-one I suspected was her boyfriend, so it's an easily forgiven SNAFU-
not so much as a hello to me.
Speaking of the blood drive, at some point some boys walked in, eventually leaving after a while. Among them? Steve- a bass from the choir of last year, and James-the guy sat next to in Art Studio- again last year.
The boy hardly acknowledges me as well.
In a sense I don't entirely blame him. He didn't really like me, and made it widely known if only to Rachel and Tyler, but though it hurt at the time, I didn't care so much because he was being honest, at least, and didn't bother faking that he liked me enough to consider me a friend. He was honest. It's something I respect so much, and for that I'm somewhat thankful. Still, I don't think I did something in particular to piss him off so much that he'd hate me. Most likely I was just hemorrhoids to him, which I don't mind so much. Still, how do you not at least say hi to someone you recognize? Even out of politeness?
I liked him... at least, enough to consider him a closer acquaintance.
Steve, however, didn't even look my way. James at least waved back when I waved at them.
It hurts my heart.
It hurts me so much that I had loved these people once, talked with them, laughed with them, and now they act as though they've never met me.
It hurts. It hurts my throat, which once sang the higher parts alongside my fellow sopranos, in harmony with the Altos, Tenors, and Basses.
It hurts my heart, which had hurt before in sympathy for them when they went through their downs, and was overjoyed when they went through their ups.
It makes my head hurt now, having ruminated over this strange, disheartening experience that has gone on since the damned school year started this year and that I'm only bringing out of my chest from my heart just now in this diary entry.
It hurts my eyes to cry over people I used to see and laugh with every day that I'm still seeing every day, and who now can't seem to bare to so much as look my way even if they're sitting next to me in class.
I wonder if I did something to alienate them all simultaneously, or if all the camaraderie we'd shared was a lie.
It hurts. I can't say how else it feels beyond that, oh god, it hurts.
I think with happiness I'm a simple person. I'd like to talk to them, join in on their jokes, even if we don't necessarily hang out with the same people. I'd be happy to know the warmth is still there, because I knew these people once, and they knew me once.
I would be content with that.
Instead, I'm wearing myself out over seemingly trivial matters, wondering if the people I befriended last year only befriended me out of either pity or because they needed someone to talk to that year and I was sitting next to them.
I'm just wondering what the hell is going on...
... I'm even thinking I should send this little choice to wear my heart lie on my sleeve to those whom I miss terribly and yet are causing these thoughts to enter my head. Of course, doing that could alienate them entirely... something I want to avoid, unless it's already happened and that's why all of this is happening-or not happening, depending on your view point.
... The only way I'll get the answers to my questions is if I myself ask the people who are perhaps unwittingly inciting these questions from me.
I know what I have to do...
But do I have the will-and more importantly, the strength of heart-to go through with it?
Or, will I choose a more cowardly way to let my feelings loose?
They say that one of the hardest things to do is to tell someone the truth, though not quite as straightforward as that.
"The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple."
A truly wise person said this once, and it has had a following due to its wisdom and insight.
And yet, why is it so easy to tell the truth to a crowd of hundreds, and so hard to tell it to the person whom you need to hear it from you the most?
The intimacy is my best guess. But this is admittedly a small group of people who have incited these feelings, and I can't blame them... so why do I?
I really don't want to type that mess out again...
I've hated being thought of as being completely selfish to be completely selfish. I'm almost positive that this probably makes me the most selfish person in the world. "OMG, you attention whore, stop like wanting everyone to like you and like get a life you attention whore!!11!111!1!"
I'm not particularly asking these people to spend Fridays partying at the apartment I inhabit with my family. I'm wondering why they don't so much as say hi to me or turn their heads or nod in recognition as I do them when we pass each other on our ways to wherever.
I'm tired of being some semblance of selfless. I need to be selfish this time, if only for myself, if only to see my feelings written out in front of my, confronting myself with my own horrible truth.
Do these people even remember me?
Because I can't forget them. They could ask me to, but it would be asking the impossible.
Because so far right now, when I pass them in the halls, I feel like a ghost they can't even see, reminding myself of the same occurence that happened to a female character in a story I very nearly completed. Unfortunately, in that story that female character IS a ghost. Annoy me much?
Definitely.
Saddening? Pretty much.
Disheartening? Verily.
 Sakura Moonflower · Wed Nov 09, 2005 @ 04:35am · 0 Comments |
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