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no longer mine
well... last week on thursday night, paul told me that im a "slut" and u know what... that really hurt. i dont know how to tell you. i hated hearing that.... hes the one person i thought i would never hear that from. but i was wrong. he said it. and then he ended it. i was so heart broken, i didnt want to do anything @ all. all i wanted was his love back. then the next day @ skool he gave me a bloody note, and my ring back. that hurt the most. i was crying all day. i saw him @ luch after he had been avoiding me most of the day. he didnt seem like he really wanted to talk, and he was so distant. when he walked me to my bus he decicded to kiss me... and i was just confused. in the note he said that he was going to commit suicide... but i know that he wouldnt. he wouldnt want to leave me in a world like this... all alone. and he didnt. but we talked. and then this weekend we spent a lot of time together. we went to a basket ball game and i went with him to the YMCA... hes getting into basket ball.... so i was watching him practice and goofing off with my friend. things got pretty physical. but this time it was my doing... my friend asked me how far i thought he would go... and he went pretty far. haha. and i love him. he made me feel special. and i he helped get rid of some of that emotion i had in me... building up. whew. tomorrow he said that he is going to be all like that all day... i cant w8 to see that. i dont think he can really do it all day like he said. im going to help him out... he also said that he was going to emotionaly hurt me on sunday and that didnt happen. oh. speaking of sunday. when we were aftraid of being pregnant.... he told god that if he made it so i dont have a baby... then he will go to church every week... and this week he didnt go to church... for what? we went to practice after 3... and church is over @ noon. i feel sorry for him... i have siad things like that to god... and then gone back on my word for a while... but i always make it up... though im sure god doesnt see it like that. haha. but then again... god does know... everything... right? so that means he knows that what i said wasnt really gunna happen and he still had things go the way i want... usualy. when me and paul were messing around... i felt like a vergin. lol. i havent felt hat way in a long time... maybe this break is what we needed... only i hate the male attention... i did like it when it was under control... but its not... all these guys think im easy... and i know im not. but they think that if they ask for it then ill spread my legs... paul is getting a little worried. and wants to show public dwesplays of effection... especialy when another male is around. one that he knows has taken a hit @ me.... i think its sweet. <3 he knows im going to get back with him... and it wont be that long. march 10th he is going to ask me out again. thats my birthday...... and i will be 16... the age i can date. i wish he thought that i might not be with him... then he would really take being with me seriously... but i dont want him to think of me as low as those other boys think of me. thats they reason we broke up..... i hate feeling like that. like im worth change.... u know... the junk in ur pocket after u go to jack in the box... lol. im kinda just ramboling now. i should be quiet now... lol
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