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Todays journal entry is a little rant about a user. Not any of the mods, not the admins, not the helpers, and (not to me anyways) a prommie-type either. In all honesty it really does sadden me that I feel so strongly against her, because she does come across as a good person, and as long as I've known/known of her, she's done nothing directly at me to make me against her and her ways.

If any of you are big vendors/Exchange whores, you may know her, the user is, Lull.

I really don't know why it is that I'm so against her, for the longest time I very much enjoyed her company, matter of fact, any time I saw her in the forums, to me, it was like seeing a mod, I'd get all happy and such. And she's done nothing to me, in fact, she's done quite a bit for me, which makes it that much more odd and a bit shameful that I must say I really can't stand her. I never talked to her much, never had much of a reason, just simply posted in her journal and checked it probably every other day (like all the journal's I'm subscribed to), and that was good, I felt a sort-of closeness doing that and that was as close to her as I felt I needed to be. But...in one of her entries a while back, I don't know if I was just having a really bad day, or if something finally snapped, but I left a comment that must've been rude (it didn't seem rude to me, but that's me) and we (I, Lull, and who ever else felt the need to jump in) got into a bit of a tiff and I believe it was about something about her leaving her bought art to the public, I think it was an entry where she was ranting about stolen art, but anyways, since that day, I haven't so much as looked at her profile.

Up until today. I checked her journal just to see if anything had changed. It hasn't. She still posts her art, still posts arbitrary things and such, and I still don't plan on going back and reading it like I used to. But, more to the point, I think the reason that I can't seem to think of her the same way, it's that I've lost respect for her, I mean yes, she does very kind things, she's a very kind woman, and very easy to get along with, but it's just that over the time that I had read her journal, it seemed like the same thing again and again, which was expected but....oh I don't know, I suppose I'm just a hard a**, really, at least half of the time that I read that journal it seemed to me, to be about something bad that happened that she seemed to need support for, where as I, rarely need that, and things that always came across as being her fault, and I can have empathy, and sympathy for only so long before something comes up that I just have to say "Well, that's some tough s**t, get over it", particularly when it seems to be that person's own fault. Maybe it's just me, actually it probably is just me, because really, I don't think I would ever be able to keep any of the friends I have now if it was a mostly online thing. To actually see where I'm coming from, the person that I am, why I say and do the things I say and do, one has to have met me, and know me for a good while so that the fact that I am an a*****e can get through and be accepted, because I'm a realist in my own ways and I RARELY hold back my opinions unless it's out of common curtousy or to save my own a** a lot of trouble.

The way I grew up, it became stuck in my mind, that life is hard and rarely gets softer, if something bad happens keep your s**t to yourself and rant it out alone because whining about it to your friends will usually do nothing but make them feel awkward and deppressed. So, whenever I have something that bothers me so much that I feel the need to go on bitching about it, I try to keep to myself because I like my friends to stay happy and enjoy my company, not feel bad for me when something bad happens, I'll get over it with time (and the way I'm so opinionated, it's best that the friends I have don't bother with my problems).

Where I'm going with this rant I'm not too sure, I guess all in all, if I could tell Lull anything, anything at all and have no response, and just have her know the one thing I want her to know it would be " Grow some thick skin, and move on. There's nothing I can say that will make you have some kind of revelation, be free, and watch out for people like me ". I'm everywhere you don't want me to be, it might not be this body, it might not be this mind, and it might not be this mouth, but I'll be there to say all the things you don't want to hear, and to tell you all the things none of your friends will say. That's not saying I'm a better friend at all, if anything a really bad enemy, but I'll be the one to tell you all the things you already know and that you've already contested in your own mind, it'll be your cage with no bars.



[Also if anyone gets the chance, some good reading that I've recently started: Hardcore Zen by Brad Warner]