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I have just reread my second journal entry, and I have to say I laughed at myself. I wanted to slap myself for writting that. I was way to dramatic the turth is I am scared. I'm scared for my brother. The only reason I ever got mad at him was because he is killing himself, and I think I was even more infuriated with myself, because I did actually help him. I didn't tell my mother what he was doing, I ddidn't tell her how he almost killed me when he was high. When I did and my mom kicked him out I got mad at her. Why? Because she kicked out her own flesh and blood. Now I realize that he would thank her or he would hate her for life. It was all up to him really. Looking in her eyes now I know that was the hardest thing she has ever done. Then when I told her I hated her and that she doesn't even care about me or now who I am . I see that she does care and she wants to know me, but I don't give her the chance. I most likely riped her heart out as those awful words spilled from my tainted lips. I regret saying any of those things, I was jealous of my sister, of her talent and resposiblities. She has a good babysitting job now. I realize I should encourige her into do the things shes good at, because she looks up to me. She has recently become a teen. She does not care what my mother tells her, if I tell her she good but she needs to practice more she going to practice. Why? Because she wants to impress me. I know that might sound egotistical, but it's true. She may not respect me but she still wants my aprovel, and when she fights me and stands up for what she believes in I am more proud then she could ever imagen, even though I'm yelling at her she still fights. I am more proud of my sister then I have ever been proud of myself.
My mom tries and I pushed her away. I forced myself to believe that I hated her. That everything she has done has been a monstrosity in my life. I told myself over and over; She doesn't care, she doesn't know me, I hate her, she has made my life a living hell. When in truth she has saved me from so many years of torment. My mom meens so much to me and I never told her, I have never thanked her for the important things. I never huged her just for the sake of hugging her. I love my mom and I want her to know that.
I love my family and I want the world to know!